Thursday, May 08, 2008

Crap Expresso!!

The Crap express begins here.
It takes you to the real world of nonsense and utter nonsense. ..
wow..i feel home..

Overheard Somewhere….

JOOM TV reporter to Item girl:-”Rakhi, There are gossips running around that you want to date someone like ‘An officer and a Gentleman’ “Is it true? “

Rakhi fuming: and furious: - “Bitch!!...I am not that cheap you know? Dating two people at the same time…uh! What do you think of me!! ”

After the reporter left the place, a panicked Rakhi rings up the Gentleman:- “Sweetheart, I swear what she asked on television is absolutely untrue…I don’t go out with the officer anymore..”

The gentleman call it quits and delivers all her goodies to her home and ofcoz with a DVD of the movie which apparently would enhance her IQ by a whooping 50%.

Meanwhile somewhere in the Secretariat a minister is puffing his Dinesh beedi…
Kerala Health minister to secretary: “PILLAI... You say Kerala has highest liquor consumption?”
Health Secretary: Yes SIR!!
Kerala Health minister:” PILLAI… You say Kerala has the highest percentage of suicides in our country as well?”
Health Secretary: Yes SIR!!
Health Minister:”You know what PILLAI??. I have studied till fourth, but I can’t figure out how the hell we STILL have the highest life expectancy in the whole country!!!!!!*

Health Secretary submits his resignation unable to answer the toughest question since his civil services interview.

We get back to media, as a famous news website which gives authenticate interviews did this..

Dudiff interviewer:”Paaji...Your favourite kind of movies??”
Harbhajan:”Oye... I love slap stick comedies! Oops NOOO!! ..I withdraw the statement...Ask me another”
Dudiff:”Paaji…what kind of music do you listen to”
Harbhajan “Aussie…I mean like Ozzy…Ozzy Osburne..Could you please cut off this question as well?”
Dudiff:”Okay Paaji…one last quick question…Almonds or Symonds”
Harbhajan: “Teri…@#%*&……...”
Dudiff: “Thanks Paaji...We will edit it to make it even more scandalous!!”


What’s in the news?

Union avaition minister fly in to Chennai to dedicate the new Airport.
He has come down to inaugurate the new Bengaluru international airport which has come up in the western suburbs of Chennai.

New Hockey league floated to bring in competitiveness and glamour.
Punjab Gills and Chennai Jyothis would be the star teams of the tournment. Chennai team bought the star player Kumaran for a huge some of 50000 rupees at a hotel in the city. Television channels were told not to be ‘stingy’ with the coverage. Punjab Gills however has promised to win the trophy within the next 346 years and ridiculed at critics who don’t understand him.

Oxford dictionary acknowledges new word of Indian origin

Amarsinghed (adj)
To be spotted with Amitabh bacchan.
To be spotted in television for no reason.

Usage: Can be used as a verb.
Abhishek bacchan was found to be Amarsinghing at the filmfare award function

Pritaming (Noun)
The art of copying or layman word for Xeroxing.

Usage: Please submit the pritam of your passport for filing the visa application.
That song looks like pritamed from somewhere.
Two students dismissed for Pritaming during the exam.

To make contriversial decisions

Usage: M.F Hussain ramadossed again!!
In another ramadossier, the minister requested the defence minister to stop using 'smoke screens’ for our military exercises considering the health impacts on enemy soldiers.


Gossip Column

Pinarayi Vijayan admits he failed for the English paper in school because he couldn’t answer the question àMake a sentence with the words ‘peaceful’ and ‘co-existence’. Though later he passed with flying colors for his diploma in machine and tools.

Anil Ambani building a new home in Mumbai. Teams of architects say the new multi storey building is so tall that it would overlook the Atlantic Ocean across Africa. The first fifteen floors would be dedicated for family disputes resolving boardrooms. The family would be staying in floors 16 to 20.Any further high the signals from reliance telecom wouldn’t reach. There also plans to schedule the Mumbai Marathon in this house where runner would have to climb the 125 floors in the 42 kilometer long stretch. Winners would be given a house on a shared basis. (Not shares)

Sigh the crap expresso terminates here. Have a safe journey ahead!!
Please alight from this blog station for more sensible life..if any!!


Preetha Nair said...

"I bow to thee , O creator of Crap Expresso!!!"
:) :)

black coffee said...

rofl! i loved the bit of the Officer and the Gentleman! :D

Ramadossed? Amarsinghed?? lmao!

great job!

Sachin Sawant said...

Lol !!!
Very good post........

Anonymous said...

Reading this blog was a great way to start friday morning :)
"Pritaming (Noun)
The art of copying or layman word for Xeroxing."

Good one, even I was wondering other day, that whichever Pritam song I seem to like, is copied from some where or the other :)

Philip said...

Awesome post!
I'm sure the question the Health Secretary got was tougher than his civil services interview questions :D

Superficial Gibbering prater said...

Mathew at his best...I wish the Crap express comes every week a series...It is very Good

There is a Synonym for Pritamed..It is called Deva-ad(A tamil music director,who will make Pritam look like a creative,original mozart or beethoven ) :)

Naiesha said...

Had a good laugh!!! Hahaha...especially this statement, "Abhishek bacchan was found to be Amarsinghing at the filmfare award function".......Neat stuff.....

Have a great weekend!!!

Karthik said...

"Abhishek bacchan was found to be Amarsinghing at the filmfare award function".......


Caroline Kaunds said...

hey really nice post..had a good time laughin...

Neha said...

What the F!

Anphy said...

y dont u start a daily crap express??

Abhi said...

Kalip post, was ROFL, What a compilation, loved the minister's question to the secretary! Hope somedays our minister's do ask such questions and DO something about it!

Anonymous said...

This is definitely NOT a crap express ......had a hearty laf :))

anN-series said...

Can i be the news reader/yellow journo/gossip aunty when this Crap news airs on ur own news channel?...watte welcome break from all those exam readings...

Priya said...

Not a crap indeed hilarious!!!

జేబి - JB said...

You did it again! Great work and a great way to start my weekend!

I visit your site everyday for updates.

Neena Padayatty said...

Absolute laugh riot!

Amarsinghing,Pritaming, ...also Pinarayi....

You are too good!:D

mathew said...

Danke danke..;-P

@Black coffee
What a movie that was!!..isnt..

Thanks dude..

@Silence killed
I probably guess he doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘original’!

Hehehe…but isn’t it a strange coincidence..

Lol!!..we have that in Malayalam movie industries too..perfect rip off from English movies are plenty…

Thank you…and have a masti weekend!!


Thank you…

mathew said...

Well…the kind of crap I see every day, I don’t seem to be short of choices..

Athinnu athu odannei onnum nadakkum ennu thonilla…:-(

Thanks a lot!! Glad that you enjoyed it..

Hahaha...good that your exams are over….and that would mean lesser penal
nice to see you again bud..

Thank you..

That’s quite a honour for me..thanks a lot …

Thanks a lot…;-D
btw I suppose your exams are over, I expect a few classic blogs from your side…!!

N A R I YA L C H U T N E Y said...

LOL :). Need more flavours of Crap Expresso.

N A R I YA L C H U T N E Y said...

Bad Bad Dudiff :) , They do it So Often :D

Deepti said...

Rakhi Sawant Was seen Amarsinghing on a news show against an item song of hers that was Pritamed . the Other item gal however blames Rakhi for Ramdossing her .. Loved your post .. make this a weekly event :D

Hari said...

Funniest crap EVER! Loved the Rakhi one and "Pritam-ing".

Hope you won't persecute me if pritam you by using your word in a ramadossial decision!

Sreejith Panickar said...

Wow! One of your best posts!!!! Liked the new words... I also feel very much home! :)

Neena Padayatty said...

Mais non!:(...That was just a peek during an "Expresso" break...keep it brewing!

Anonymous said...

have they accepted ur entries yet? :P

Anonymous said...

lmfao @ the words of indian origin and the ambani residence. awesome read

Macadamia The Nut said...

*The family would be staying in floors 16 to 20.Any further high the signals from reliance telecom wouldn’t reach.*


Amarsinghed.. :D :D
Me likey!!!!

P.S. Been ghost-reading here for SO long that it was almost an anticlimax seeing you this morning :D


Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha..what a laugh riot!
Nothing on Sreeshanth crying like a baby??
Oh btw, got your blog link thru Saphire's blog.

Jina said...

i have linked u..hope u dont mind..
and btw brilliant satire..:)

Rejil Krishnan said...

ohh man... its really really brillaint.... ur head office is beyond compare...

Usha said...

:)) the dictionary addendums were simply awesome! total rotfl material, i say! :)

Emmanuel said...

Satire with overflowing humour. :)

superb ideas!!

Mahalingesh said...

Super One!

I linked you..

Still Searching said...

Been ages since I read anyone's blogs.. am catching up now... nice one this.. the Rakhi one was funny... got to read your other posts too!

broca's area said...

lol...does dudiff u mean rediff??....and what is the ans for that liquor qn?..:)

Zee said...

awesome awesome post!!! complete mathew ishtyle!!!!!
warning: post is injurious to work life. it possibly puts an end to worklife as one may get fired for laughing out loud while reading a blog while she's supposed to be putting together a research brief of some sorts!!!! almost fell off the chair at the bengaluru airport bit!

mathew said...

yeah…I think they have made a niche out for themselves at it!!;-D

Lol!!..that was a nice combo..our words can do wonders!!;-P

hehhehe…yeah it will quite a ramadossier..
thanks a lot for dropping by..

thanks a lot buddy..

ahh..its time that we reschedule the exams then..;-P

nein..mine is too sensible to be accepted..

thank you!

I was a ghost reader for sometime too at your kingdom..
Only if Ambani offered me a similar flat, I could have written hymns about them..;-P

mathew said...

thanks a lot.. ;-)
I am fed up of the media attention on him..The poor kid has to be left alone ..take him in the team if he plays well..otherwise don’t give a damn…

Its always a honour.!!;-)
Btw I saw ur comment at Mishmash…congrats and best wishes!! could have always used my food blog for perfectly fatal results!!..oops!!;-P

thanks da…nee engane paranju ente thalla pottikalle!!;-P

thanks a lot!!

thanks dude..

thanks..and glad that you enjoyed it..

@Still searching
Thank you...and it is indeed time for you to ‘tick’ and post new blogs taking cue from your last post. .;-)

yeah..I guess you can take that guess..
Liquor question is still under investigation by the Patel commission which is due to be submitted in the assembly in 2025!

Am deliriously happy to see that!! ;-)
Research brief..sigh..that sounds like a concentration camp!!
Btw isn’t it really sad about the blore airport..idiot could have made it between blore and would have made perfect sense by serving both cities…

How do we know said...

where do u get ur ideas??

Abhi said...

GOSH, all these comments say just one thing. Hear the chant

!!!!!!!!!!!Crap Expresso be made a regular feature!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

LOL...this was good :)

CandidConfessions said...

Wow! Lol, You've got a knack!! Awesome one!

Mishmash ! said...

Heyy :) I saw this post last weekend but since we had guests, i wanted to read it later...from the title, I knew this was going to be a spiced up post :) I loved the crap Express dictionary better...and the Health secretary part was funny too...and we want moooorrrrre gossip :)))))

P.S appa amma ethiyo?

Seema said...

Brilliant! Another great post from Mathai kunju.. I so wanted to use the word pritaming in my office unfortunately canadians won't understand :(

Nirmal said...

he he echaya u got a great

Nanditha Prabhu said...

sorry I was late here....
loved your crap expresso!

Nanditha Prabhu said...

sorry I was late here....
loved your crap expresso!

mathew said...

@How do we know know am in the office..;-P

thanks man..considering the news I get to hear everyday it wont be a far cry..

@Home cooked
thank you..:-)

@Candid confessions
thanks a lot..:-)

hehehe…I think it will make a new websters or something..
and by the way parents yet to:-)

Seems like someone already know one half of my pet name..;-P
Oh I love Canadians btw..they are the most easy going people in the world..No wonder ‘Just for laughs’ originated there..!!

thanks..and thanks for dropping by..

No one comes on time here…
The crap express always runs late anyways...;-P

alakananda said...

hats off to u matt! how do u come up with theses? LOL.

scorpiogenius said...

WOOOOOW! Mathew...hats off!

Good compilation!

thomas said...

lol!!, hats off to your creativity. I can see why this post has over 50 comments; maybe you should start a weekly expresso, will get enough circulation for sure.

silverine said...

© Amarsinghed (adj), © Pritaming (Noun)and © Ramadossed copyrighted by silverine :p

Pliss to use my permission before Pritaming them ! :))

Brilliant post!! :)

cm chap said...

ROFL... Fabulous

mathew said...

thank you.. :-)


I think if our joker make consistent perfomances, it aint that hard!!

madamji..I have already got the patent!!;-D

thank you..

Jackfruit said...

Thats a good one. :D

scorpiogenius said...

Well, I liked the Health Minister- Secretary Pillai one...


But, in the world!!!

Priyankari said...

Awesome!Esp. the oxford acknowledgements! After such 'crap', who needs sensible stuff? :)

Hope to see some more episodes of Crap Expresso!