Monday, October 29, 2007

It’s all about exclamations!!

Recently I read in a blog the nostalgia of sending letters the old fashioned way, drafting a beautiful hand written letter…and then buying the post cover…sticking the stamp, strolling to the nearby letter box and awaiting the reply after a few days…Although I embraced e-mails, chats etc without much fuzz there is something which was amiss.

Technology has made things too predictable. There is no asking the postman whether any letter has come. Letters come in virtual mailboxes and the postman has now reinvented into a faceless pop-up announcing, you have got mail. No bated wait during the ceremonious opening of the letter or passing on the letter until everyone in house has read it again and again. Even movie tickets and rail tickets come online these days and you can even select the seats.

There isn’t the surprise factor anymore. Now why am saying this is coz recently my friend and his wife visited the doctor to check the status of their upcoming baby. This couple had requested the doc right from the beginning not to reveal the sex of the child. You see a little surprise factor when the baby pops out.

The couple as usual goes for the routine check up and enquires about the lifecycle status.

But this dumb moron of a doctor did this…

Couple (in typical ‘never-been-there’ curiosity): “Doc…Hope our baby is doing fine...”
Doctor:” Of coz he is doing great...Don’t worry about him... Everything gonna be fine”

Couple (in a collective sigh!!!): “Doc…You just ruined the surprise of a lifetime”

As you see like Newton’s law every climax can have an anti-climax…Once trying to be the smart Alec I have utilized anti-“get surprised” factor to disastrous effect. It could have actually cost Dad his job…This big sarkari boss calls home one day when am alone at home. As a précis I have real prank-friendly cousins who are masters at voice makeovers...And this time I tried to play smarter with my Dad’s boss whom I assumed to be one of my prankster cousin’s.

Hello…May I speak to Mr.Mathew...This is Chettiar calling from Delhi”
“ number manasil irrikattei…sound maati patikaan nokendaa”
(Keep this trick in your sleeve…don’t try to bluff me by changing your voice)
Is it dubble 55 dubble 66…..”
“mm..pinee...englishil paranjal manasil avulla ennu vachu alle”
(Well…Do you think your talking in English can cover it up?)

Promptly he cuts the phone. The satisfaction of not being gagged by my cousin was short lived when Dad came home red faced that day. Apparently the big boss was malayalee enough to understand everything I said and this humble child did definitely create a lasting impression on him.

Talking further about surprises, there is huge percentage of people surviving on fake surprise syndrome...How many times you have heard…

Oh my Gaawd!!!...I can’t believe it!! “” people with wide-eyed expression of make-believe surprise.

The line is often repeated during parties when the guest neway is expected to bring gifts for the host…but the trouble is that the occasion demands you to get surprised. And the gifter may probably feel shattered if you don’t display that exaggerated version of surprise with multiple exclamation marks. It just reminds me of the surprise lunch at the office canteen where they duly notified us about the surprise one week in advance so that we are prepared to be surprised about the surprise lunch and that it doesn’t come as a rude surprise!! How thoughtful!!

Real surprises happen when you actually planned a trip or a movie with friends after strategically avoiding a few “pain-in-the-ass” types…Only to find them at the same place…

Surprise...surprise ...What a coincidence...We changed plans and there you are… don’t know how happy I am for you!!!”
This will be followed by series of high fives and some display of brotherhood…
Meanwhile in silent eye-eye language we say...”Dumb idiots here as well…#%&!”

There isn’t really much surprise these days unlike school when I used to surprise parents all the time…But my idea of surprising them with single figure grades did not go down well… I thought that the shock and awe method of attack would work wonders and probably my poor grades wouldn’t matter much.

Appa...You got to sign my Progress card”
*Appa’s eyes pop out in natural reaction to the display*
“You call this a PROGRESS!!!… :-O”
“Appa...Please do it fast I have to study chemistry between 5 and 5:30 as per my timetable”
(contingency plan 1)
“What is that 3 besides Math…”
“Appa…err…it means like being third in class”
“And what about that 100 just besides the three”
“Whaa...whaaat...You scored a three in Math!!!!”
“Appa...the Paper was very tough...Moreover they were asking about ‘sin’ and all which you know I won’t do neways”
“What is that little circle beside biology?”
“aah...well that is the smallest living unit...the symbolic representation of a cell...”

By this time I have run out of all ideas and feeling ashamed like a fully covered Rakhi Sawant.

“Wait…i see some comments out here…”need lot of improvement...parents are requested to meet the teachers”

ahh…That’s nothing is just that the teachers are trying to get the best out of me…they say that I have it in me to make it big. So that’s why they say that I can still improve…kind of motivating.. You know dad…and probably, they might just say something nasty about me when you come to school. But they just do that to relieve other parents who have bad performing kids...never take em seriously. I rock actually”

The geography teacher had taught me that most stars are millions of light years away and very difficult to see with the naked eye...But I knew they lied coz that evening after dinner, I saw them…millions and millions of em...ayyo…*thrash* ...ente Appa...Next time I ll score better…I promise..ayyo...bwwaahh..!!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Scary Movie part VI

It was one stormy night in Sydney and it had been raining torrentially for the past few days. The windows rattled violently and the outhouse doors squeaked almost falling apart…Few minutes later in a deafening thunder the power was gone too. It had never been this bad in Sydney before. Last time it was this horrible was way back in the 70’s when ‘Psycho’ was released…

Impulsively Andrew woke up with a shudder...He began to cry aloud...

“Mammaaaaa…. Mammaaaa………………”

Mamma ran to the room to console her little boy. But Andrew was shivering obviously scared the hell out after that chilling dream.

“Andrew Boy...What happened…don’t cry my cutie pie”

*Another blinding thunder for effects*

Still panting and sweating… Symonds unwraps the gory nightmare…

“Mamma…. Mamma…I saw …. I saw him...Bwaaaaaaaaaaahh….”

The blonde Mamma is all distressed now.
“Tell Munna… what u saw”

“I saw… I saw him coming…Sreesanth…”

Mamma hugs Andrew Symonds who is still bawling and the camera slowly focuses to the picture on the wall of a grinning Ricky Ponting …

The bold and powerful Australians had feared none until now...

In Early 21st century downtown Australia difficult kids were put to sleep with a threat…
Sleep…or else Sreesanth will come and give you a stare… ” And it did not take long before it became part of folklore. Those skull-bone warning on high voltage electric lines were replaced by Sreesanth graffiti...Patient bed ridden with decades in Coma came to life after being administered a steady stream of “Stare” videos.

Cricket commentators analyzed and gave expert useless opinion on the aggressive nature of this malayalee cricketer...Rumours flew helter skelter…The Indian government forms a “Patel commission” to look into the matter…well Patelji had a good time in Kovalam is another story. Australia lodges a protest in United Nations against the Indian’s aggressive behaviour and its influence on the average Aussie’s psyche.

Sreekuttan’s Papa talking to the press…”When he was a kid I taught him that we are supposed to hate Pakistan. But I realized that he actually hated the wrong country when he called for a strike in school coz David Boon had mentioned ignorance about Atlas Jewellery!

Rodriguez Mattancherry (old school buddy from Fort Kochi)…”He was always waiting for the elusive break…but when it was getting too long a wait. He started doing break dance...and he never stopped thereafter”

But all the confusion...myth...was shattered one memorable day…


This quote was splashed as headline in malayala melodrama and other newspapers throughout the country..

Few weeks later a special investigative team was send by the Australian Cricket board to Trivandrum to study the influence of Sreesanth’s best friend. In a much-hurried press conference 24 hours later at Melbourne cricket ground, Ricky Ponting issued a statement withdrawing all allegations of vulgar/aggressive/taunting behaviour about the young Indian fast bowler.

The sudden turnaround was received with cynicism by the press. Reporters from Reuters and BBC flew in and camped at Trivandrum for weeks. Later they documented few gruesome incidents…

Lecturer in college questioning student union leader why he had came late for class.
Lecturer: - “I need an explanation from you for coming late for the lecture””
Student-Union-Leader (sporting “Trivandrum cherra” famously called Sreesanth stare)
Lecturer (now stammering) “Oh..oh..okay..yeah...I understand...Its okay son...please do have a seat”

Ticket holder asking someone who occupied his seat in the movie hall
“Chetta…this is my seat…see my ticket number”
Venomous Trivandrum ‘cherra’ oozing from the guy sitting there without the ticket
“Oh...enikkum kozhappum onnum illa... njan vere ticket medichoolaam”
(“No worries boss. I ll get another ticket for myself…Okie dokie??”)

Trivandrum cherra or cheerayal definition in Oxford dictionary

The act of looking eye-to-eye for an excessive period of time or stripping down
a person with a rude stare. This technique has been perfected over the years by
residents in the southern city of Kerala. Some liken it to an exaggerated
version of Clint Eastwood stance just before he pulls the trigger.


The ‘cherra’ is typically used by public when someone tries to jump a queue
anywhere in Trivandrum or when a non-trivandrumite inadvertently mouth
obscenities at a trivandrumite. Usually results in severe physical injury if the
‘cherra’ is not taken seriously or relevant reconciliatory measures

The Australian press camp found the environment very hostile and attributes Sreesanth’s behaviour as a natural influence of his Trivandrum friend. On a positive note the Australian board has signed a memorandum of misunderstanding with Trivandrum mayor to train few upcoming Australian players in this exquisite art. And thus the whole debate over the famous stare came to rest after this recent acknowledgement from Sree.

But we Trivandrumites are furious about the whole thing...Sreesanth has brought disrepute to this ancient art…The ‘cherra’ which was used over the years to ward of attack from the Romans…the Spartans...and the Mughals. The ‘cherra’ that was used as the first line of defence for the not-so physically agile college anti-heroes… The ‘cherra’, which cannot be imitated by any silly non-trivandrumite, has been shamelessly adopted by an outsider and that too for a silly game called cricket!! It is going to take years of hard work to get back the lost glory …

Viva l'arte!! Viva l'arte!! Viva l'arte!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Last week I was very busy...Work pressures...status was all getting on me. My other 'busy' friend and I had to fight out till the end. At the end of the day during the crucial status update meeting Joe said ...

hahaha.... I made 2600...I win!!...Now you have to do that online course on 'Effective Time Management' for me...

Now playing "Snake" isn't fun anymore..

Amidst this busy schedule I do browse youtube...Someone had once said that you cannot concentrate on one task for more than 45 minutes at a stretch and a break is always good for better efficiency...And usually after 45 minutes of coffee and chit chat I take the much needed break to browse through youtube...And this resulted in a amazing discovery..THIS...It was a big shock when I understood that this music was blatantly lifted for our famous GUPT GUPT!! jingle... Now I did a search in google for songs plagiarized in bollywood..The results were nonetheless startling..

Listen THIS..and THIS

Listen THIS..and THIS..

Listen THIS(love this one.. ;-P)..dint get a Listen THIS

And many more like this..well disguised in this..our own khambakht ishq and this super hit..

Thanks to youtube I was able to figure out the original and appreciate the talent of real artists..See this link for complete list of copied/inspired songs...Maybe these music directors might have given us an opportunity to hear these awesome originals in a desi version...but why did they never bother to acknowledge the original artists in the credits...Now in a time when the film industry raise a hue and cry about fake CD's..Theater prints..etc..why don't they first cleanse the rot within ...

P.S Sadly i now see many bloggers doing the same..and never bothering to acknowledge it!!

Monday, October 15, 2007


Wish …

All pain vanished like sublime steam, flirting zephyr...
All happiness spread like waft of fragrant incense…
All hardships mellowed like ripples in tranquil pond…
All love effused like the Vesuvius egress…

Oh I wish…

Poems were true!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Historical and Geographical Secrets...REVEALED!!

Unknown to the outside world there is a story long long ago about Vasco da Gamma who got a Work Permit and arrived at Calicut in his little dingy boat...

The following excerpt from the immigration office files in Calicut reveals what transpired on that day.

Immigration Officer (as usual enjoying his parippuvada and tea): -First name?
VDG (in all Latino gallantry pose): - Vaasco!! …Amigo...
Immigration Officer (a sreesanth stare at him): - mm....Middle name?
VDG (rest one hand on the officers desk): - Da!!
Immigration Officer (furious and pointing finger at VDG): - You call me “Daa”...phaaa!!. Do you know who I am? I officer of Malabar panchayat…Pre-degree…!#%&*#!*!!

Luckily his boss Beraankutty interfered and allowed Vasco da Gamma a 3-day tourist visa, which he used for visiting Goa. Later he was deported to Portugal by Indian authorities for over-staying. Being the first to get an Indian tourist visa he was proclaimed as a hero throughout the world. The existing history books however give a doctored picture of the whole story.

The problems in the immigration office never ended there...Years later when someone from the Middle East arrived to buy some spices to make palpaysam.

Immigration Officer (as usual enjoying his pazhampori and tea): -First name?
Middle East guy (adjusting his head gear): - Sheikh
Immigration Officer (as disinterested as ever): Shake what??
Middle East guy (desperate to impress the officer): - Sheikh Tintumon
Immigration Officer: Are u nuts!! ...From which country do you come?
Middle East guy (ayyo at the officers response): - Kuwait sir.
Immigration Officer (la Sunny Deol): You ask me to wait…You wait. I don’t wait…Out of the line potta!!

After sometime Middle East guy get back in the line.

Immigration Officer (now frustrated): O’ man ...You again!!!
Middle East guy (pleading): - Sir…Oman…our neighbour...I Kuwait!!

K-YOU-double YOU...!!

Now the frustrated Immigration officer calls in the security and packs him off to Saudi…

If you thought history is interesting, there is geography, which is overwhelming... I was always interested in geography and probably the only guy in the whole school who used to find delirious pleasure in memorizing country names, capitals..etc..etc Remember the kind of kids who would sit in the front bench waiting for the teacher to ask a question…

Teacher: - Who can tell me the average rainfall in Cherrapunji?
Bespectacled Genius me (raising both hands): -Eleven thousand four hundred thirty three millimeters Sir !…
Teacher (oh..even I never knew it.. ;-P): - Very good boy...You are smart as a whip!!

I sit down proud of the precise answer. After all a welcome change from the Math class where I usually have to stand on top of the bench! Unfortunately the rest of the class used to think...”Huff…whaat a bore”

If you thought geography is boring just look at the map and behold. You can learn a lot about the people just from the names. For example…Some countries are so arrogant even when they name their country …Like what is so great about Great Britain??…even the most arrogant people like us didn’t name our state as The Great Kerala...but we did come up with a Greater Cochin!! ;-P

And there are some downright funny ones. Greenland. .hahaha…Greenery in a place where people don’t even turn green with envy!!

Some names are difficult esp. for rest of the world (I mean India). My north Indian friend insists it is “Anda artica”…”Lovely Khanna… its Antarctica!!”... But the crazy egg lover wouldn’t agree with me...

Can you believe there are countries like Burkina Faso and Honduras who have capitals like Ouagadougou and Tegucigalpa...those are some serious tongue twisters dude. (I warn you never try pronouncing in the absence of a trained medical professional)

Geography can as well be used in psychology classes. Like if you want to explain what is Inferiority complex. You can say, “It the state of emotional turmoil when a Russian asks someone from Maldives to show Maldives on a world map…”You see the amazing possibilities with geography!...

Then there are something’s that baffle me like how the American kids learn geography. Just imagine how a 10 year old kid can memorize the name of 50 states and their capitals. Probably even the American president doesn’t know it either!! Those Yankees must be real envious of kids say from Vatican...

*In some school in Vatican…*

Teacher: - Which part of our country has the highest agricultural productivity?
Maldini: - “The kitchen garden in cute Monica’s house”
Teacher: - “Bravo…son!!”
Teacher: -“Tell me who is our head of state”
Maldini: - Pope
Teacher: -“Brilliant. Now tell what is the staple food in our country”
Maldini: -“Popcorn”
Teacher: -“Amazing...Tell me who is more popular in our country...The Pope or Shakira”
The entire class in unison…”SHAKIRAAAAAAA!!”(Oh baby)

Well over the years my fascination with Geography has left me dumbfounded as well… I happened to save the phone number of a friend of mine whose name is Kanagaraj…To label it as land number I put it like…


A guy from ICELAND who was sitting near me makes out the first line and blurts...

“I have never been there before...Is it in Europe??”


“ really sorry”

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Ala and Myra

Somewhere in the north sea lived a petite seagull called Ala…Ala was just a year old and enjoying the summer playing with beautiful seashells she had collected carefully. Life was good and every day her Mom used to go out to get food and brings home delicious chunks of arctic salmons. Fish was not aplenty with giant fisherman boats taking most of what was left. Well nothing profound for Ala to be worried about and she was the playful kid as always…

But there was a problem, which perturbed Ala’s Mom. She was worried that Ala was still afraid of the mighty ocean...she feared the water unlike her cousins who could swim with élan...She hadn’t yet learned to fly into the unknown horizon and swoop down the waves to catch her food...Ala was very well aware of her own fears…She knew how badly mom wanted her to be like her cousins...But then she was as always comfortable in the golden sand dunes with her little pebble potpourri...

1000 feet below quite near the same place lived a school of fish...Myra was probably the youngest of em all...energetic and naughty but adored by all... Myra loved hearing stories and often used to nag his Dad for stories about giant monstrous sharks and other adventures of his hey days. Myra always used to look in awe whenever he heard those tales…Sometimes when he gathered with friends they used to talk about the world outside the water…they talked about the sky...the sun…and the flying creatures…There was so much he hadn’t seen. There was so much of fun outside which he craved for...

Few weeks later...

She gathered all her courage and ventured into the sea that morning. As she flew down, her tiny claws emerged out for the first kill she might make in her life...the gentle sea breeze trying to calm her nerves…The waves petrified her for a brief moment. But she knew it was her moment of reckoning...Unaware her mother was watching from a distant perch praying that her little Ala overcome the demons...

A few feet away from surf their eyes met each other in a fleeting glance... Myra all eager to have a glimpse outside the sea…that brilliant streak of light called the sun...and Ala’s eyes trying to prove her worth…but still unsure…that brief moment when their eyes met each other...they knew it was either one of em...

We are often the fish or the seagull...Maybe they are different manifestations of our thoughts or ourselves... Sometimes we fight it out to over come fears…sometimes we take risks to see the unknown…sometimes we do it to prove our mettle...Sometimes we just get plain lucky…There is always an Ala or Myra in each kid who took his first steps in his life…each child who rode a bicycle for the first time...worried about the fall…each adult who is apprehensive about future…about finding a soul mate…It is just perspectives that matter!!

P.S…Random thoughts inspired by the seagulls I see in my every day ferry ride to office…They have a soothing calming effect on me… :-)
P.P.S. I got a hot date finally..But she is pretty expensive..Yeah gonna meet Mona Lisa at Louvre Museum , Paris in 3 weeks time... :-P

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