Saturday, July 26, 2008

Castles in the air! Really?

Airlines as we all know would cease to exist in the year 2555 A.D. Reasons are aplenty. Fuel is getting scarier and even the Arab sheikh’s talk about being “frugal” (recently introduced in Arab dictionary). Flying was getting dangerous and many other things as seen below from the extract of a science class of year 2751 A.D.

“These models on page 32 are from archives of our ‘Ancient modes of transport’. The specimens showed here called Airbus A340 and Boeing 747 was popular during the late 20th century. A special now-extinct kind of liquid called aircraft fuel was used to lift these instruments in space and transported humans across oceans. Our science teacher’s great great grandmother was one of the last few who flew in these devices and the ‘boarding pass’ framed in the principal’s antique gallery was the pre-requisite to enter these flying devices. They were operated by companies like....ahem… (Students go to page 46 naming list of outdated companies). Yes, AIR INDIA which primarily depended on hot air to carry it forward, Kingfisher airlines (which initially explored possibilities of making fuel out of Beer), AIR DECCAN (which pioneered the use of parts from old refrigerators, radios and television sets to fabricate airplane spare parts), Air France which was known to have aerodynamically shaped air hostesses and Air China fabricated entirely out of plastic.

But what finally stopped the airline industry was the fares which as we see from a sample ticket below in the early 21th century.

**************************************************************
AIR DRACULA
…..We squeeze to the Last Drop!!!

Fly with us for our special offer of 1 million tickets sold for 1 rupee.

Ticket price One Rupee ONLY!!!*


**************************************************************

*Additional charges (font size 3) (reproduced in a bigger font in the blog for the benefit of the elderly.)

Airport taxes fees and other charges we mention separately just for the heck of it
1000 rupees

Insurance charges
Its safe to fly with us, but you know maybe a loose screw somewhere. You get the point right? We gladly accept 500 rupees for your insurance.

Weight levy
If the passenger weighs more than 75 kilos surcharge of 200 rupees apply
If the passenger weighs more than 100 kilos surcharge of 400 rupees apply
If the passenger weighs more than 125 kilo we offer special discounts in our cargo service.

Food surcharge
Unsold biscuits and peanuts which we repack and give it to you attracts additional charge of 25 rupees

Tissue charge
Passengers requesting for wet tissues are charged an additional 50 rupees.

Pilot’s happy hour allowance
This is a voluntary charge levied on passengers for a verbal assurance from the Pilot that he wouldn’t fall asleep during the flight even though he had 8 beers the previous night.

Air hostess house keeping allowance
This is a voluntary charge levied on passenger for a verbal assurance from the air hostess that they make sure the above pilot is after all awake

Airport ground handling Coolies federation(AGHCF)
Again voluntary. Reason’s unknown.
But the federation slogan is “Do you miss something in your baggage?”

Special charges
Pregnant ladies would be charged for two.
Special offer!! 1 month pregnant ladies are given a 25% wavier

First to disembark surcharge
Passengers wishing to disembark first on landing could avail this service for a surcharge of 250 rupees.

Aircraft Loo Frequent User card
On paying a surcharge of 100 rupees you don’t have to wait at the toilet in our long haul flights. Pay 200 rupees and be our Gold class frequent user card.

Air traffic controller’s wives’ welfare association fund
This will go for the honorable cause of a special manicure class arranged for the ATCWWA arranged by L’Oreal. Donate and take part in this noble cause.

Duty for goods purchased from duty free shops

5% of the cost of goods purchased

Flight announcement surcharge
For providing passengers valuable information on altitude, pressure and humidity somewhere above you don’t know where.

Flight entertainment systems levy
We charge 50 rupees for a movie.
Special documentary videos from Animal planet like "The Wild Lok Sabha Park " are free.

Your total fare is 18000 rupees.
Thanks for flying and while logging out please pay for our website maintenance team association.

LOG OUT!!!

61 comments:

Hari said...

LOL!!!
ROTFL!!!


"Air hostess house keeping allowance
This is a voluntary charge levied on passenger for a verbal assurance from the air hostess that they make sure the above pilot is after all awake..."

And how exactly do they do THAT? :P

The funniest of 'em all!
"Flight entertainment systems levy
We charge 50 rupees for a movie.
Special documentary videos from Animal planet like "The Wild Lok Sabha Park " are free."


Speechless, bro, speechless!! Been a LONG LONG time since I read such a rib-tickling post! Even your Crap espresso looks crap compared to this! :-)

Philip said...

Air China fabricated entirely out of plastic - LOL

That specimen of the boarding pass would be the star attraction of the Museum of Science and Technology.

silverine said...

Hilarious!!

"recently introduced in Arab dictionary" ha ha So true!! :))

"Yes, AIR INDIA which primarily depended on hot air to carry it forward, ....Air China fabricated entirely out of plastic."

Brilliant!! :))

Deepti said...

Brilliant!! absolutely ...."Thanks for flying and while logging out please pay for our website maintenance team association.
"
The above money would be used by the author of website to fund his beer which was initially free but was suspended after Kingfisher took over
ROFL absolutely ...

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Hilarious!
So many of us miss these fine prints.

Thanks for letting us know.

LOL

Solitaire said...

Hehehe!

I won't be surprised if this actually happens within the next decade considering all kinds of things that domestic airlines in the US are doing to extract more money from their flyers.

mathew said...

@Hari
They dont have to do anything exactly to keep the pilots awake!!

thanks for enjoying the post!!indeed thats why it was called a crap expresso.;-P

@Philip
athe athe...btw I remember reading somewhere that it was an indian kid who holds the record for collecting most number of boarding passes!;-D

@Anju
thank you :-)
Any Arab friends who read this would feel pity on me and sponsor a 3 day stay at Burj Al Arab!!;-D

@Deepti
thanks a lot.. ;-D

@Nikhil
Thats the only thing you need to check in airline tickets..the finer prints...rest of the info like destination is secondary..;-p

@Solitaire
Same here in Europe with Ryan air having its own share of fun...
thanks for dropping by.

Rahul S. Nair said...

Airport ground handling Coolies federation(AGHCF)
hehe
Hilarious...
With the news of the bomb blasts pushed into every minute of every tv channels, it was a very nice change..
Still convulsing with laughter..

Jans said...

Laughed my lungs out Mathew...really neat,,,Njoyed every bit of the journey ;)

Ms Cris said...

Woowwww! This was total fun! I couldnt ask for better entertainment from a Charlie Chaplin movie! ROFL and double ROFL!
Keep writing! More and more and more!

VIDYA said...

omg! ths is serious comedy stuff.

this is dammmm hilarious!!! u should have ur own comedy show on tv! :d .... i even thought of a name for it, 'mathai news' okkk if tht s lame u can call it 'mathaimala' (like cinemala) ahhh how i love lame jokes. anyway lemme know if u want a producer for the show k.... we can rake in money coz ppl r so not sick f mimicry of te cm and pm now.

i loved te part abt deccan airways.... sooo true!

Priya said...

U made laugh out of the shell u know. Such a great humor in every post u write Mat.

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

Awesome post. Loved th description of th various airline's, esp tht of air deccan, air India n kingfisher. Expect a swift litigation from all these:). Loved th additional charges disclaimer. As Nikhil told so many of us miss these:)

Vinod said...

Nice work pal..!! Some terms that you have come up with are real gems..!

Even though this is similiar to complaining that Tom and Jerry shows lack a good story,
your datelines are missed by around a hundred years (19th, 20th instead of 20th and 21st centuries)and the totals by quite a number of thousands (INR18,000) :)

mathew said...

@Rahul
thanks a lot..;-D

@Jans
thank you.. :-)

@Cris
thats a very generous comment...gracias madam..;-P

@VIDYA
LOL!! i would say thats is a outrageous compliment..;-P
am actually a good method actor..ahem... any movie offers..;-P

@Priya
thank you.. ;-)

@Abhi
Well I hope they give me free tickets..;-P

@Vinod
I guess its our Vinod saar..;-P
Edaa century dates I have corrected, pakshe total fare is debatable..
Thanks for visiting and hope to see you writing bigtime..and esp your special life experiences!!;-D

scorpiogenius said...

Hilarious!

Back to your best, mathew... And the new template makes it look fresh and cool..:)

But am i missing the hitler mustache in the page??

Mishmash ! said...

ehh...evide paint okke adichu aake kuttappan aakiyallo! kollam :)

LOL at Air Dracula and arab dictionary:)) Guess what , here some airlines have already started charging for the snacks which were complimentary earlier!!!so i think I should trust you and click a picture of my next air travel as a series.....u know, something to save for my great-great grand kids!!!

Vidya's comment was hilarious....'mathaimala'...do consider that :D

How do we know said...

MATHEW IS BACK!!! HIP HIP HOORAAH!!

Abraham Menacherry said...

he he he.. I see the mallu in you.. you may have written in english.. but this is definitely malluisque.

Red Soul said...

aww the wild lok sabha park :)) and the word frugal. how coem u so funny:D

Ancy said...

Hilarious this....

Aircraft Loo Frequent User card
On paying a surcharge of 100 rupees you don’t have to wait at the toilet in our long haul flights. Pay 200 rupees and be our Gold class frequent user card.

wow come to think of it, it shud be more scary than funny...OMG!!

asiftherock said...

Truly rib tickling!!!!!!

Gr8 post....

Rejil Krishnan said...

humor in ur breath.. isnt?
great thoughts on paper... hehe... ws laughing, as always... a lot....

Sidin said...

Howlarious. Very well done indeed!

maduraiveeran said...

"Aerodynamic hostesses" - good one

mathew said...

@scorpiogenius
thanks..and yeah the Meesha was taken of coz i thought it was sort of a nuisance in the template.;-P

@Mishmash
hehhee..yes and it can be passed down over generation as one of the most precious things along with jewellery..;-D

@How do we know
;-P

@Abraham
How true when one mallu understands another mallu!!;-D

@Red Soul
thank you..and glad you enjoyed it..

@Ancy
Well think about the plight of diabetics in that case..;-P

@asiftherock
thank you..and thanks for visiting..

@Rejil
danke schon..;-)

@Sidin
Very glad to see you here and having enjoyed the post..myself being a big fan of yours!! ;-)

@maduraiveeran
thank you!!

Aniruddha said...

LOL...Aerodynamic air hostess...loved this one...

Too good dude...

adMad said...

Too good ! esp the China/ deccan bits !

congrats on makin it to DP home page too :-) btw wot about the Customs officers Scotch collection fund ?

Rakesh said...

huhahahhuhahhauahahahahuhahahuhhahaha...... you can multiply it by as many as you can

TheGreatOne's Home said...

Into-the-future blogs always excite me! I love it! This one was amazing too, keep up Che! :D

Hammy said...

Absolutely BRILLIANT post!
:)

AIR INDIA .. hot air
Kingfisher airlines .. fuel out of Beer
AIR DECCAN .. parts from old refrigerators, radios and television sets
Air France .. aerodynamically shaped air hostesses
Air China .. plastic

Superb!
:)

placidfreedom said...

Awesome post :)

usha said...

teehee! gud 'un!
futuristic thinking for history books, eh?

Shrinidhi Hande said...

Why would this situation take till 2555 to happen?

I see this happening in next 5-10 years itself

ani said...

Hi! seriously!!! this was way too hilarious for my funny bones to handle!!

Posted the link to your post here: http://78mmadventures.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=21&st=0&gopid=382&#entry382

I hope you don't mind... if in case you want me to remove it please lemme know!

Browsing the rest of your blog now! :)

Sreejith Kumar said...

1 month pregnant ladies are given a 25% wavier??? "Proration based Mathematics" seems incorrect!!!!!

I thought this was the best >> Its safe to fly with us, but you know maybe a loose screw somewhere. You get the point right? We gladly accept 500 rupees for your insurance.

As riveting as ever Mathai!

Sreejith Kumar said...

And by the way, a new template, huh?

Molly said...

Ur sense of humor is amazing!Just blogrolled you..hope u don't mind.

Ps said...

Pilots happy hour assurance was hilariuos but scary at the same time.Have you ever laughed while watching a horror movie?Out of fright as well as sheer relief that what you see is only on the screen--but then also a nagging voice somewhere at the back of your mind telling you that it could happen to you?!
Well--i felt like that!
Cheers
Preeti

homecooked said...

This is so good. I wont be surprised if someone from the airline industry reads this post and decides to follow it :) Maybe they will give you royalty and then you can buy your own plane ;)

Zee said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Boy they really do suck the blood off you! They're all air dracula! and i've always wondered why tey announce the temperature outside as if the doors are about to open any min and u're supposed to go flying!

Zee said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Boy they really do suck the blood off you! They're all air dracula! and i've always wondered why tey announce the temperature outside as if the doors are about to open any min and u're supposed to go flying!

Sree said...

lol, its always nice to read you,Mathew.Thanks for the laugh :D

VIDYA said...

no new post... :( ... oh btw bout te film offer .... iam contemplating a wildlife porn movie. :p

starry nights said...

loved this post, made me laugh.I needed that.

Tedy Kanjirathinkal said...

Absolutely hilarious, Mathew! :-)

mathew said...

@All
Apologies for the late comments!!!:-P

@Aniruddha
Thank you..and thanks for visiting the blog..

@Flaash
Nice to see you bud….;-D
Pinee rukaavat in your blog keliye khed hein..;-P


@Rakesh
Thank you.

@TheGreatOne's Home
Thanks man…future is what we all want to know abt..

@Hammy
Danke schon..

@placidfreedom
Thank you..

@usha
Hehehe..nice term…yes I think I be the first one who writes a history book for the future..

@Shrinidhi Hande
Well..going by the prices, I think I can soon edit the dates in the blog…;-P
Thanks for visiting..

@Ani
Thanks..and no issues with posting the link..glad that you enjoyed..

@Sreejith Kumar
Hehehhee..i didn’t think deep into the Math!!;-D

@ Molly
Thanks..and a honour to be blogrolled.. 

@Preeti
Hahhaha…that makes me a bit scared too…Will have to check out the state of the pilots before I board a flight!;-P

@ homecooked
Hehehe..someone please give me business class!!;-P

@ Zee
That’s a valuable information which passengers are supposed to know to enjoy the journey!!;-D

@Sree
Thank you!! 

@ VIDYA
Hehehe..that would be heights..
I was held up with work… will blog again soon..

@starry nights
Hi..nice to see you get back to blogging..

@Tedy Kanjirathinkal
Thank you..and thanks for visiting..

Sayesha said...

Gosh! This was HILARIOUS! :D :D :D

Dewdrop said...

ROTFL. That was hilarious. Nuances which characterises the present state of aviation industry is beautifully depicted. Thanks for this funny post. :)

Amooma said...

LOL!
So these r the heads under which all the additional charges go to, eh?

Particularly loved these lines.

AIR INDIA which primarily depended on hot air to carry it forward
“Do you miss something in your baggage?”

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Priyankari said...

Hilarious post! Too good!! Njoyed a lot!
And a nice template too!

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