Wednesday, April 04, 2007

1251 rupees every month for 65 years!!Join us!

Thesis presented in “Okalahoma School of advanced bluffery”

This is a extract from the thesis paper I presented in the school and was selected by reputed institutes like "Yell Eye Sea" as most indespicable accusation on the trade.
After careful research and countless hours I finished my study on insurance agents.

How to identify the species?

They survive under hard and unwelcome conditions (even more dangerous than Amazon rain forests) and can withstand severe human expletives with ease and panache.
They usually claim to be relatives of yours like your uncle’s father in law’s sister’s son was married to the agent’s brother’s grand aunt’s brother in law, quite simple permutations and combinations..
Please look out for abnormally huge hand bags embossed with a picture of two palms as if trying to close in on your necks.
Species gets instantly attracted to males and females of age group 20-28 ,high value gadgets like cars, bikes and laptops. They also have a dislike for humans older than 75 years of age.


Common technique of catching preys

Although they look calm and harmless most of the time ,they have a uncanny ability to spring up in family functions hide behind the kitchens or toilets and catch you off guard. Background information like your job..your age..your approx salary are already documented in their database. General conversations goes like this.

Agent(smelling fresh blood in the vicinity): “Wow..How tall have you grown up Boy!! When I saw you last time you were a chubby bubbly kid”
Prey(unaware of the lurking danger): “Oh really..I knew I knew!! ..I was quite handsome since then”

Agent: ”Btw Son I think you have had everything in life..a nice job..a nice house..a nice wife.. And a nice insurance policy will make it perfect!! ”
Prey(is already in point of no return):”Er..Ahem..well..hey..i think someone is calling me..oh…yeah..am comin..”

Some preys do have a easy escape like this. But most of the preys are mercilessly butchered with numbers and left bleeding with cut throat rates.

Suggested techniques of escaping the preys include hiding away or camouflaging amongst the older humans nearby. Generally older humans by then have developed a magnetic premonition of any agents nearby and hence easily gets repelled away.


The venom that is fatal--Policy talk

Blow up Policy

A policy tailor made for people working in safer places away from human inhabitation like Mines ,Oil rigs and tunnels. This one will ensure that if you are killed in a blast , your family is entitled for 25 lakh rupees..special incentive of 10 lakhs if your limbs are severed and face is beyond recognition!!wakooow.!!
Just apply for the scheme..”The future is bombastic—A policy you will die for”
That was lovely Mr Agent , I love the way you cheer me up !!

Get a disease and decease policy

Another attractive scheme that can give maximum returns are the one if you have neuro paralysis neck down or irreversible heart failure. But the best one is if you can manage multiple fracture of the backbone and kidney puncture.. This combination can ensure you get at least 15 lakhs.. This policy makes sense only if you manage to die after paying easy instalments of 25k per month for 10 years.
To make this scheme attractive they have introduced a new offer:-

“Guess how fast you can go 6 feet under” policy..

With this scheme we have variable interest rates, the faster you die more the returns.

Car insurance

Car insurance is not attractive like old times. Your car should be destroyed beyond recognition and at least three passengers should be killed to get the money back from the company. Also note the policy has a clause that the dead person should send a requisition form within 3 days of his death otherwise which the policy will be revoked .

Note: Any destruction to the front panels of the car, doors. engines,brakes,chassis and body of car are not covered under the policy.

Travel Insurance

The hottest policy in town.
Attractive tag lines encourage many people to enrol in this policy.

“Fly with us and crash land for the ultimate thrill”
“Hijackers love ya babies..board my flight”


Best part of this scheme is the unrivalled publicity after your death. TV channels will flash the adventure ride you went through. .Presidents and other world leaders will offer condolences for you.. What more can you ask for!!

If you get lucky the airlines might even offer a free ticket back home ..well inside a coffin..

Theft insurance

The insurance carries a heavy premium. All gadgets at home are covered under the insurance.
Humans are not covered under the scheme.

Clauses:-
If your wife is stolen by your colleague it is not considered as a case of theft.
If your kid runs away with the girl next door, It is considered as voluntary submission to theft and is not part of the scheme.
If you lose your bike it is necessary to prove that the bike was not stolen by the above two scenarios.
If you lose your laptop you will be subjected to intense police interrogation !! ;-P

The latest policy in town is “Shock and awe insurance”

Youngster suffering from numbness after watching cricket matches like one in which India losing to East Timor are covered under the scheme. The policy is unique with a reverse shock clause which states that the insured get double the amount in case India manages to beat Australia.

The Policy carries several clauses.
!)Applicable only for select sports
2)India winning kabbadi gold medal in Asian games is not considered a “shock and awe” event
3)The combined experience of the Indian team should be 10 times more than the opponent which will ensure respectability to the contest.
4)If the agency is not able to fully repay you in this scheme, the policy allows you to destruct and vandalise any place of your choice (amongst residences of the cricket players) and burn effigies of any 3 people responsible for mass discontent and grudge.


The latest policy we have introduced is “Stairway to Heaven” policy

This will insure that your death will be condoled by at least 10k people .
Also part of the scheme is a requiem by Alexis Leon.(If any dead person return to life after this, the corporation is not responsible for it)
Extra premium if you want a procession in the streets or a heart wrenching speech from the local MLA(forced closure of shops comes free!!!)

Enrolments opens shortly..!! Arrive at St Thomas Cemetery and grab a seat before its over!!


Are you insured?? The world is a scary place to live. The chai you drank just now might have been poisoned with thallium. There might be a murderer planning his next hit on you. The Comb you use for combing your hair might pierce your skull and injure your brain…It is really really scary…Get insured!

Hoping I am managing to make you feel scared!!!! ;-P



Wishing you all a happy easter!!!

33 comments:

mystic rose said...

you are making your hopes come true quite well indeed :P.


quite a long post, but awesome -humor. :0

Natasha said...

And I assume you got your inspiration for this article from your 'great office robbery'? :) nice post

priya said...

Pretty interesting mat and I know how thesis works with all nooks and corner.

Good one asusual and about insurance, it shud work with your pc theft huh!!!

Mishmash ! said...

"...The Comb you use for combing your hair might pierce your skull and injure your brain….." How can u come up with stuff like this !! :)))

hmm..at times I feel pity for some of those species who do this for their livelihood :(

Easter Greetings to you too. Hope you have some friends/family to celebrate and enjoy the feast in Deutsche land!

Shn

silverine said...

Super!!!

Something I was itching to write about for some time now... :) In fact now that you have digested and regurgitated the nitty gritty of the various policies, it does sound impressive, specially the Travel Insurance. Imagine the publicity! In fact I am spoilt for choice here and will be mulling over this post this weekend and by Monday I think I will have the answers to all my existential dilemmas. Now I know why we are sent to this Earth. So that we depart leaving our beneficiaries rich, all thanks to Yell I See! :p

btw hilarious compilation!! :))

Jac said...

da matt !

LSHMBB !!!

Your laptop was insured ??? ha !


Happy Easter, matt !

Di said...

i recently was faced with a similar situation of a-somebody-who-knew-a-somebody-who-barely-kinda-knew-some-not-so-near-relative-of-mine who ensured i got insured. AS i pored through small print in the reams of forms i needed to fill..i realised how atrocious the conditions were! Id only get back teh money if i lost both hands,both limbs,or both eyes...wat the.....!!

Neihal said...

hahahahahha

me thinks you will have lots of insurance agents visiting this blog soon ;)

Rahul S. Nair said...

well written..though a little long

Raghav said...

nah, my agent is a sweet middle-aged mallu!

Cuckoo said...

Superb !!

You have a ready job in hand just in case you are bored by your current one !!

Btw, I am waiting to read about your dreams. Remember the tag ?? :P

Seema said...

I am glad i landed up here...worth reaching the end n laughing all the way...sleek interesting Insurance packages...the travel one was fantastic :) sense of humour rocks !!!

PS - It was nice to c u at the Clouds...

crumbs said...

i kw this creed, i kw this creed!
man, they are a scary bunch!! but i'm guessing they musta hounded you quite bad if you actually managed to understand wat those fabled policies mean :P :D
hilarious post

mathew said...

@mystic rose

thanks a lot.btw happy easter to you!!

@Natasha

yeah..a tad inspired by that..and a lot by similar experiences..

@Priya

yeah..am getting a new one next week!! :-)

@shn

Thanks a lot..wish you the same..I prefer naadan food though..

I know people who ek a livelihood with it..but it irks to see well off family folks persisting us with it..

@Anjali

Hey..I think you should write.it would be quite hilarious to read from your side.

Btw I fear I should get insured after reading your latest blog.. ;-P

mathew said...

@Jac

thanks a lot..yeah it was kinda insured..wont be a big headache for me.

@Di

It can be quite irksome..people go extremes to get a insurance policy from you..

@neihal

Alt+Ctrl+Del

no way..!! :-P

@rahul

thanks for dropping by the blog..!!

mathew said...

@raghav

Lol!!..okay u are spared..

@Cuckoo

Oops..sorry..I dreamed today that I ll take the tag some day!! ;-P

@Seema

thanks a lot..thanks for dropping by..

@Crumbs

Couldnt recognise the new avatar. ;-P

Moontalk to Crumbs..hehehe
yeha..I had quite decent time with many such folks and now fear em a lot..

Nariyal Chutney said...

:D , As always superb. Happy easter Mathew :)

Keshi said...

Happy Easterzz mate! :)

Keshi.

perspective inc said...

Hilarious!!Long but worth the read!!Niice!

Neers said...

i loved this!! good read!

Princess Banter said...

Hahaha -- hi-freakin-larious! keep it up, i'll be checking in ;)

Rahul S. Nair said...

Thank for the comments on mu blog... I am not a cetian, i am a tkmite...

If u studied in strs in tvm may be uve seen me or something...i am from strs

Srijith Unni said...

Happy Easter to you too, mathew..!

THe post rocked as usual..! Insurance Agents are truly one of a kind..! I have a hard time having 2 of my uncles doing insurance..

Have FUn, Take Care and God Bless.!

With Best Regards,
Srijith.

crumbs said...

i kw this creed!i kw this creed!!
:( its worser if they happen to be sorta close relatives, u just cant get them off your back!! :((

but honestly, when u begane of, i tot u were gonna talk about the match-makiing ungles and aundies. not that they are less of a nightmare !!

Jiby said...

lol man...i just read this and your previous post now...two real funny reads...dont often get that in blogworld...opening up the insurance sector sure has created a new breed of solicitors!!!

and in the previous post...the line abt the dad's liking for safari suits...my dad has 20 shirts including safaris which are in various shades of cream color and he still shops around for more!!! and in college i used to look all over the place to find if he still had any of his 70's/80's shirts/elephant pants stashed away!

mathew said...

@NC

thanks..wishin you the same!!

@Keshi

thanks a lot dudette.

@prespective

thanks for droppin by here..

@Neers

:-)

mathew said...

@princess banter

thanks a lot for dropping by

@Rahul

OH..I studied the first year in TKM..so that college aint foreign to me as well!!

@Srijith

That makes it more hard for you to escape!! ;-P

@crumbs

better not talk about that..allthough men are generally spared of that kinda banter!!

@Jiby

Nice to see you after a long time..exactly..I think if am seeing Appa wearing Jeans..that will be the most shocking event for me this century!! ;-P

alex said...

Mathew,

Are you planning to become an insurance agent soon??:P

PS: Don't get time like earlier to blog.

Cuckoo said...

Your tag is done. Check my blog !

I am not lazy like you ;)

crumbs said...

ahem,
i just realised i commented twice on this post :-/
guess i forgot that i commented, and then came back and commented agian.sigh!trouble with sneaking through blogs at work wen ur ed's looking the other way :D
bout the new avtaar, well, tot i'll go get me a makeover. didnt really have the patience to do it the conventional way, this was much easier and didnt cost me a thing ;)

Priyankari said...

OMG, am scared!! Will run to insure myself justnow! ... hehehehehehehehe

seems pissed off with insurance agents?hehhe.

hilarious post! loved it!

alakananda said...

LOL mathew, got around to reading this only today. good one. u have truly captured the 'essence ' of the whole insurance policy thingy. the agents are a scary lot and yes, they do have this habit on pouncing on their prey unawares. believe me, i've been a victim in exactly this way.

Oneqler said...

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