Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Family Boozness!!!

Talking of families I am envious of those big Italian Corleone families with godfathers n stuff…Just imagine the sheer pleasure of studying in a college and the power to call up your uncle (who resemble something like Luca Brasi) who is somewhere in Kozhencherry.And you say in a deep baritone voice...’I need a favour…’

I have Goosebumps when I think of achayan uncles coming in Jeeps and thrashing up all who messed with me. And the supreme protectors of their beloved nephew will make sure that no one goes unpunished after messing with me. Well unfortunately all my uncles are plain boringly peace loving…what fun man without a bit of blood spilling and slaughtering…

Neways since I cannot re-designate roles for my relatives I have to do with what I got.

One of my Dad’s brothers is an ex-serviceman. He wasn’t the General or Lieutenant or something. But he definitely send a shiver down my spine...I have convinced myself that we won that war sometime in the 70’s coz my uncle was out there in the front and he scared the shit out of the Pakis...He was so feared that even the chickens back home at our village would surrender in front of the big knife at my uncle’s command…What the hell if the Chinese gonna attack us.!!. They wouldn’t for sure capture changanassery as long as my uncle is out there! When I was a kid he was the only uncle whom I wouldn’t dare mess up with coz he believes in that quote ‘To err is human... To forgive inhuman’

And since a good number of folks are of the “spiritual” kind it creates a lot of confusion. Sometimes when the aunt come running hearing someone blurt ‘Honneyyyyyy’…She might often meet with the uncle caressing that bottle of “Honeybee”... Infact my uncle’s favorite books are ‘The Old Monk and the Sea’ and Jonathan Swift’s ‘Kingfishers’. My niece who wanted to learn guitar never got a chance to pursue her passion since she wasn’t allowed to play anything else but a bagpiper!!!My cousins were even asked to go to bed by ‘8 pm’!!!! ;-P

The real experts even can make out whether the Scotch whisky is from Palakkad or Kozhikode!!! And what more there is no soul alive in the republic of Athirampuzha who can beat them at card games...(Read errupathettu)..Sigh only if it was an Olympic event!!!

If you wonder why am rambling so much its coz my parents have a very boring teaching profession. During dinner I was always forced to eat vegetables...Never to be convinced that easily, Dad being the biology teacher starts a lecture on beta-carotene in Spinach or the cellulose fibres which are good for blood circulation and the enzymes in carrots... uh… …I would often have the spinach out of sheer boredom of listening to those details or go for the less enjoyable rebellious stance.. Dad’s was always a carrot and stick policy… But the carrot part of it was always more carrots! :-(

I see veggies are now staring at me for the disregard am showing to the vegetables.. But you have no idea about the sacrifices we are doing..

Do you know that a good percentage of the worlds greenhouse gases are produced by animals (If you don’t believe it check out.. http://www.fao.org/newsroom/en/news/2006/1000448/index.html See I have done the home work!! ;-P)… The methane and ethane stuff they generate is depleting the ozone layer every day!!!!.. Be grateful that we are eating these animals for the larger good…for the larger benefit of Mother Earth!!!

See the ozone layer…melting polar ice caps..Get the picture who is takin care of all these now??.. And am deeply offended when I see veggies eating the food of our animals..Spare a though for them in the hour of crisis. ;-P

Neways rather than digressing let me get back…

I always wished I had an uncle who was a pilot. It would have been lots of fun…Just imagine having dinner with him…””We are eight hundred feet’s above sea level. Please fasten your seat belts and we shall start our dinner at twenty one hundred hours…” or someone who was a Judge and I would have to swear in the name of God every time I talk to him..!!!It would be fun when he talks about Penal codes and a nephew talks about Java codes..

Back to reality I received a call sometime back ...”Edaa cheriankunjee… verumbol chaayennu scotchinnu kaaryam marakalle!!”(Don’t forget the scotch when you are coming next time)

The game has just begun!!!!!! A peg...little joys...silly laughters...it is another day like any other day!!!

33 comments:

Sreejith said...

This is defintely the funniest mallu post i've ever read. old monk! kingfisher! 8pm! omg...brilliant stuff!!
*bows*

Keshi said...

**Dad being the biology teacher starts a lecture on beta-carotene in Spinach or the cellulose fibres which are good for blood circulation and the enzymes in carrots

o gawwwwwd n I was thinking I was bored :):)


Keshi.

Kiran a.k.a KiKS said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anphy said...

yeah.Its high time "erupathettu" and " anmbathiyaaru" got due attention :)

Kiran a.k.a KiKS said...

Ur take on veggies reminds me of a scene from the film 'Oru Maravathoor Kanavu' where Mammootty says:

"Ee bhoomiyil aadum kozhiyum panniyum pothum, ennu venda sakala charaacharangalum karthaavu manushyanu thinnaan vendi undaakkiyathaa..."


ROTFL on this part: "My niece who wanted to learn guitar never got a chance to pursue her passion since she wasn’t allowed to play anything else but a bagpiper!!!"

Altogether, another Kidilan Post from the King of Satire...!

Scribbles said...

mathew...
Omigosh !!!! iT was tooooooo funnyy.... cant stop lafing and people (my colleagues) are staring at me :)

n said...

Hmmm quite a common trait in a mallu family .........:)

Neihal said...

hahaha

now my uncles were no Corleones but they were enough to ruin my teenage and I hold them solely responsible for my arranged marriage :P

Alexis said...

Cheriankunjee, that was an absolutely rocking post. Superb... simply superb. And the sacrifice part was just awesome.

The Black King said...

Hahaha... the bagpipers and 8pm-s were too good! :) But we all know the fun of settling things ourselves, don't we, as opposed to calling in uncles? :)

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

Mathai yude e suvishesham KALAKI! Achayan maar illlathathil veshamikenda. Make sure u marry into a house hold which will give ur kids th kinda uncles u wished for! Lets see if u hav th guts for that.

emmanuel said...

didn't expect such a post soon after that gem.....i mean the last one.....good one.... :)))

wanderlust said...

ROTFL as usual.
made me nostalgic about the boozy nights before any function in the family.

Zee said...

u have very realistic dreams. i wished someone from my family was royalty and i cud live in a palace....

priya said...

Mat: U just rock asusual...

Still searching said...

Oh yeah, I have uncles talking about codes and testing and starting every dinner conversation with that topic.. I don't want!

silverine said...

err...havent you heard of the official achayan motto?

"Thou shall not drink thine water neat. Always dilute it with alcohol"

p.s I am planning to retire after I start my new venture i.e hiring out my ungles as hit men. Ah pure bliss....

Mishmash ! said...

hmm....my satirist blogger buddy is back to his grooves :)))

you wanted achayan uncles like the Corleone ones...heheh.....I wish it was a reality coz then we could have read lots of those anecdotes too :))

Shn

Srijith Unni said...

Haa haa..! Mathew..! That was fun reading..! Perhaps you should consider 'Suresh Gopi' for an uncle..! Man..! He can speak chaste english..! :):) and drive a jeep like nobody can..!

ROTFL for the entire hilarious post..!

Have Fun, Take Care and God Bless!

With Best Regards,
Srijith.

Perspective Inc said...

LOL!!
Don't forget the scotch!!

Kusum Rohra said...

Mathew, I shal remain ever so greatful to your research or er resourceful mind.

The methane and ethane stuff they generate is depleting the ozone layer every day!!!

Suddenly I think I am enviromentalist since I ear er I mean reduce methane and ethane generating animals every day.

Excellent post.

Red Soul said...

aww I love ur writing. :))

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

to eat a chicken is to relieve him of the truble of eating from among his own poop. And I've never been able to figure out how chicken doo-doo can smell so bad.

I have a father who if given the chance would have been Gandhi the 2nd. That was until I grew up to be of drinkable age.
And then there would be a steady stream of friends that would want to visit the god's own country every semester break, and my old man would promptly take them all t the local shaap - I guess to maintain the cool 21st century dad status.
And then my poor old man who's not used to alcohol would ask me to drive.
Seriously, all through school I used to wish for an uncle in the mafia.
But instead, i ended up with these folks who grew down to match my age, and still go with me to jungles and makes it a point to buy a bigger lens than me - just to show off.
we're a family of show offs, i guess.
great post, matt!

Di said...

ur ungles are very joolly peebal i see..:P

Ajith said...

"The real experts even can make out whether the Scotch whisky is from Palakkad or Kozhikode!!!" --Most of IMFL supplied in Palakkad and Kozhikode come from same vendor :D ..

Uncle Like Luca Brasi :) , but still u would have required a Corleone/Hagen to control him :) ..

mathew said...

@all
Sorry for the late replies!!!


@ Sreejith
Thanks for dropping by.. *bows* ;-P

@Keshi
Lol!! Yeah I can give the full transcript if you want..eh..


@Anphy
yeah..we can expect champions..atleast with the experts back home.. J

@Kiran
Yeah..that was a nice one..the movie has lot of such funny anecdotes..

@Scribbles
Thanks a lot... :-P

@n
Yeah..so it quite easy to spot the mallu in the crowd!!

@Neihal
Welcome back..Yeah I will use my Corleone uncles only for Hit and miss operations!!;-P

@Alexis
Thanks…Well am overwhelmed by the sacrifices I have made till now!!,-P

mathew said...

@Black King
yeah..But then it is more fun to have someone else to do the fighting..eh!!

@Abhi
Reminds me of Kottayam Kunjachen..Well I dare wouldn’t want uncles like em on the other side of the fence…;-P

@Emmanuel
thanks..

@Wanderlust
Yeah..infact I miss those times..Almost impossible to get the entire family at one place these days…Well old times were definitely better!!

@Zee
Wow..that would be great too..Breakfast at Buckingham Palace..Lunch at Versallies…reality sucks!! ;-P

@Priya
Thanks a lot..

@Still Searching
Hahaha..thankfully I don’t have anyone like that!!

@Anjali
Lol!! that was a nice one.
Hitmen would be nice..Can I outsource when I am short of folks!!

mathew said...

@Mishmash!
Hahaha..thanks a lot..

@Srijith
mm..thats not a bad idea..But he is always in the side of the law..I want someone like Kottayam kun-jachen or that character by Sukumaran in the same film..

@Prespective Inc
Thanksl..


@Kusum
Seriously..People underestimate our contribution..we are the real environmentalist!!Just imagine a world full of veggies..will there be any plants left!! ;-P

@Red Soul
Thanks. J

@Toothless Wonder
Lol!!that was a interesting story….Yeah I too wished I had a uncle in Mafia..Who else to rely when you get those bad grades in school!! ;-P

@Di
Hehehe..yeah berry phunny people!!! ;-P

@Ajith
That is some interesting news..and yeah need a Hagen too for bailing him out!!:-P

Umesh said...

Did you forget about the authentic scotch from Kunnamkulam?

Its really bad that you didnt have uncles like Kottayam Kunhachchans, Kanhirappali kariyaachans or the uppukandam brothers. I always thought all achayans were the rowdy kinds (thanx to all the mamootty achan movies) with a lot of rubber paal manam. Your story is sad. :-)

Oh even i have an ex service ungle who tells his old adventure stories; when he was in ladakh in 0 degrees temp and how he used to light match sticks and show it near his "you know where" to melt his frozen pee. :-)

How do we know said...

sometimes, you really do come up with awesome pearls of wisdom... this one is my favorite:
Dad’s was always a carrot and stick policy… But the carrot part of it was always more carrots!

Shahrzad said...

hi dear new friend,

Your post was very interesting; especially about godfathers and their families...lol...that's really cool to have uncles like them.*wink* My uncles are as common as yours and no godfather in them too! lol...

Priyankari said...

Humorous post! Enjoyed a lot! Keep blogging...

mathew said...

@Umesh
Lol!!Man you are turning me green with envy..oh..how i wish I had such folks around.. ;-P

@how do we know
thanks.. :-)

@shahrzad
yeah..great minds think alike..oh i wish too.. ;-P

@priyankari
thanks a lot..