Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Bachelor's Cooking Guide Version 1.0

Bachelor's Cooking Guide Version 1.0

Disclaimer:

1) None of the dishes mentioned in the blog are easy to cook and they can be perfected only with years of practice and persistent devotion.
3) The recipes are original and any claims of copyright infringement will be ignored and ridiculed with disdain.
4) If dishes don’t look like the accompanying photographs, it means that you are a disastrous cook and I advice you not to cook ever in your life.
5) Short term side effects due to consumption like constipation, wheezing, loss of sensory perceptions and long-term side effects like violent convulsions to sudden demise cannot be attributed to my recipes.
6) And more importantly any vandalizing of my blog after trying out my dishes is not allowed under Indian penal code IPC 4466 article 364 / A. C’mon don’t go and verify it!!


Yeah usually the disclaimer looks good at the bottom of a page, but for a novelty and my own good health I think it’s safer to put it upfront.

I will explain some of the best dishes every made on this planet and anyone who tries to reproduce the recipes in any other blog should acknowledge that those dishes are in house projects of mine. I hope readers will appreciate that lot of pain staking research goes into making these delightful dishes.

For starters I ll suggest some kind off baptism by fire. Some of the toughest dishes every conceived in my laboratory are as follows. By the way, yeah my kitchen is a laboratory. And for those quality tests I do some testing on guinea pigs before allowing human consumption.

Chinese porcelain and green chilly






One of the marvelous discoveries of the 18th century attributed to Late Tomdicnharry. Green chilies look splendid in porcelain. The combination of Green and white is soothing and tempting for the eyes. Let me tell you one of the best kept secrets in my skill set, The green chilly should be placed exactly at the center of the plate at an angle of 30 degree to the vertical axis to have the best aesthetic look.



Flowery tomato crescendo.




Originally from Italy and rediscovered by this humble chef, it involves lot of effort I would say. Approximately 9-12 hours would be sufficient to get the best results. After washing the tomato apply L’Oreal moisturizer on the surface of the tomato to get the best shine.
Applying laws of trigonometry mathematician Lao-Tse-Sung suggested that tomatos are best cut with a knife rather than a hammer. Some of the best people I am obliged to. Still wouldn’t have found a way out of this strategic confusion but for him.



Sparkling water in Venetian glass




This is slightly less strenuous than the previous two dishes though I suggest readers not to brush it aside. The presence of minerals in the water makes it a very precious commodity. The right blend of minerals in water is of primary importance. The percentage of Iron and calcium shouldn’t be more than .023% and .0056% at all costs to get the right flavour.


Virgin bread delicia


I will say this is an absolute masterpiece. Buy the softest bread in the market to get the best results. The slice should be square in shape as per Indian karmic shaastra and should be precisely measured using vernier calipers before carefully placing it on the plate. This is a dish to die for.


White yolk egg with crunchy hard shells




I believe folks might suspect whether I have taken the patent rights from the US patent department for this dish. To hell with it. Let them get the patent from the hen first. Boil the egg in water at a temperature of 93 degree Celsius to get the right taste. Removing the shell is at the discretion of the consumer.


I guess I have explained more dishes than a novice cook like you can handle. Suggest aspirers to practice these delicacies 3 times a day before attending my next class. A good homework is essential for bigger battles in store. And please don’t loose confidence if you are not able to manage these. As I have learned there is always scope for improvement. Infact you can take inspiration from your guru chef who himself took 2 weeks to master the above dishes.


And just like goody new age websites...

P.S. Please donate 1001 Indian rupees to my account if you find the recipes are useful.

P.P.S. No claims entertained if readers find that they wasted their time here.

Neways introducing a new blog with more such interesting and lethal recipes @ http://bachelor-ambrosia.blogspot.com/2007/01/whats-cooking.html

33 comments:

Keshi said...

LOL soooo funny Matty!

I feel sorry for ur dishes/plates...they need to be fed more LOL!


Keshi.

Alexis said...

That was a classic. You are real genius... I am still ROFL...

Nariyal Chutney said...

:) , Personallu from the taste after the look I like Virgin Bread delicia the best :D . When are the new recipes being uploaded

Synapse said...

the egg one was difficult! it requires experience with fire and saucepans! :( not fair for a beginner! ;)

Cuckoo said...

lolllllllll
You are so funny !! Where do you get ideas from ?

All were very time consuming recipes. But I'll try. Green chillies was the most difficult one I guess. ;)

silverine said...

ROFLMAO!!!! This was hilarious!!!

O great Chef do you take disciples...??? If so please accept me as your humble student!!!I promise to eat all that thou cooks and not die :P

priya said...

Mathew: You have a good combination of spicy chilly, nutritious egg and bread. Thaz the way to go for a beginner and once you start mixing upother ingredients you will landup with your own recipe.

mathew said...

@Keshi

The plates are hungry all the time!!:-P

@Alexis

Lol!!Yeah thanx for appreciating the exotic dishes..

@Nariyal chutney

lol!! I suggest you to practise these dishes..be a good student!! :-P

@synapse

hehehe..yeah..its trial by fire..hard work pays man!!

mathew said...

@Cuckoo

Thanx bud..yeah green chilies were quite tough..was sweating profusely after the dish was ready!!

@Silverine

Lol!!..thanx for the inspiration..Welcome to the cooking classes..suggest you to carry oxygen masks in case you collapse in the attempt!!

@Priya

Yeah..but i think these dishes are tough enough..the one u suggested in not feasible considering the complexity involved!! :-P

starry nights said...

Loved it Mathew.Did not know you had this sense of humor. These are too hard for me to copy so Yours is safe.

Keshi said...

LOL I so can see that!

May I come in and cook some healthy full meal for ya on Sat?

Keshi.

jac said...

Is that what you learned from Italy, mat ? and from whom ??

Sending the cheque as required but don't forget to sign for the recipt.

mystic rose said...

thats awesome! :))

cant tell u how much me and my friends are rotfl-ing here reading this.

im glad you liked the vande mataram song. this happens to be my the most favorite song.

cant say the recipes were useful :P, but u deserve mroe than that for the laughs, universal agreement here.

ciao!

flaashgordon said...

Not fair !! i was just about to patent these recipes and there u are getting there b4 me. Only difference is that i actually used that hammer on that tomato and call it "Heartbreak on Porcelain" !!

Neway too good pal..and gr8 food blog too ..i do that prawn dish too

mathew said...

@starry nights

yeah..but with a bit of hard work..maybe u can manage!! :-P

@Keshi

Lol!!Sure I ll when learn a few tricks from you!!

@Jac

hehehe..no italian connection here!!its more or less circumstanical inspiration!!

@mystic rose

glad that you enjoyed reading it..but please let know how the recipies taste after trying it out!! :-P

@flaash

hehehe..heartbreak on porcelain is a brilliant idea!!I can give you patent transfer..but u ll have to shell out a good deal of dough for it.. :-P

yeah..but for the food websites and blogs..I would have had to call home daily and ask what to cook every day!!

Kusum Rohra said...

Damn!! You must be really skilled and must have really balanced hands for Chinese porcelain and green chilly requires real skill which I realised after 3 best chinese porcelain got destroyed in my attempts to become a chef par excellence like you.

Keshi said...

r they still hungry?

Keshi.

b v n said...

Podikkoru tag cheyyo, I've tagged you on my blog :))

Priyankari said...

My God Mathew...wat hv u done? Creating such a hilarious post out of such a mundane topic! Hat's off to you! Laughed and laughed and laughed...

Note: Thanks for the recipes. u have given me a really brilliant idea as an excuse for not knowing cooking.I can say that I know 4 really gud dishes and Mom cant scold me now! I shall take more inspiration frm my guru chef:)

alakananda said...

iruttu kondu otta adaykkalle mone dinesha... ennalum kollaam.

Tohou Lidia said...

hahahaha - i'm an expert at all those recipes. I think you should be paying me for breach of copyright :P
haha - that was good!
-Amy

Siddharth said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
.
..
...
....
(just that)

mathew said...

@Kusum

Lol!!..You forgot to give guru dakshina!!..and I warned you it wasn’t easy!! :-P

@Keshi

starving!!! :-P

@Bvn
Sure bud…I ll do it soon..

@Priyankari

Thanx a lot..nice to hear it was worth a laugh..But it think you still have to practice to perfect the dishes..

mathew said...

@alakananda

Thanks for dropping by.. :-P

@Tohou Lidia

Thanks for dropping by..
No way..i have the rights already..Maybe we can negotiate if you still plan to sue me.. :-P

@Siddharth

Thanks for dropping by….hope you had fun trying the dishes!! ;-P

Rajesh said...

That was really nice...Every bachelor identifies..

Dilip said...

great post...sure made me laugh...the pics of the recipes made all the difference....~grin~

mathew said...

@Rajesh

thanks for sharing my sentiments!! :-P

@Dilip

thanks for droppin by..yeah it looks quite decieving..they are quite tough!!

Dilip said...

yep tough for sure...I can feel your pain...can't be easy being a master peformimg his art...~grin~...hey I have even mentioned you in my new post...to spread the word about your priceless guide that you started...~wide grin~...thanks for the laughs my friend...take care...

Somya said...

Awesome dishes chef...I even tried your first recipe for green chillies on porcelain plate for my sweet lil brother but I don't why he gave me such a dirty look...may be coz I couldn't perfect that 30 degree angle...next time I'll keep it in mind.

Shakhi said...

You have done it this time!!! If I am thrown out of my office because of disturbing others with my "HA-HA", I sure am gonna sue you!!!

nimmi said...

hahhahahhahahha ... U R TOO MUCH .....I am already ur fan ...:)

ashaan said...

The best recipes I have EVER seen! Ha ha ha - this is just too much!

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