Monday, September 24, 2007

Guten Appetite

Saar. Would you like to have Italian/Mexican/Chinese/Spanish/French/Thai/Indian?
I want food!! (I think he testing my geography :-O)
Saar...That’s what I asked, what kind of food..??
Indian
Saar...Vegetarian/Non-vegeterian/Humanatarian/Manchurian/Pomeranian
How dare you ask a puritan who has always abstained from green leafy things such questions? Now what??
Saar...South Indian/North Indian/East Indian/West Indian/American Indian/Pakistan occupied Indian??
For god sake bring me some south Indian chicken dish!!
Saar...Chicken chettinad/Chicken kasargod/Chicken Ooty/Chicken Hyderabadi/Chicken Maananthavaadi??
ww..waaait…Okay..I accept that you absolute rock with places. Btw ..Am I on candid camera? ;-P
Saar..Spicy..Medium spicy… Light spicy. Spicy with tinge of sweet…Sweet and sour…spicy and astringent
Thengakolla!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Mallu swear word with U certification)§$§”%”!#
Sorry…Sir we don’t serve that….



Ballet Dancing…Taekwondo…Space walking…Dining out…This was part of the list that came out in international survey to find out the most challenging activities in the world. I have been hearing interesting stories on why Dining out can be a mentally and physically challenging activity...

Typically a niche restaurant has assorted weaponry like spoons, knifes, forks and an armored cloth to protect your torso…mmm…Good enough defence to protect a small country like the Vatican. These equipments are necessarily what make the diner a loser or a sore loser…But then you learn from mistake as an old wise man said and keep repeating em to prove it again and again…


1) Avoid ordering grilled chicken. Dissecting a dry fried piece of chicken is an exquisite art. Some surgeons whom I talked with said that doing a Cataract surgery with one hand is much easier. It’s like formula 1 racing. A split second mistake can cost your chicken leg, which might have landed in nearby Parthasarathy’s soup…

2) Don’t order Chinese food if you don’t have control over the slithery noodles…You might end up with noodles puffing out of your mouth and look like that girl in The Exorcist... Infact during my first few days in Germany I learned that I couldn’t basically eat the way we eat Onam Sadya back home. For those unaware of how Onam Sadya is eaten, It’s the most dignified way of eating where you eat so much that you can go actually go without food for months like the Arabian camels…

3) While having dinner with vegans never talk about how tasty that mutton chaps was…or how tasty is chicken mughalai … It is not polite to let them know how lip smacking tasty they really are..;-P
But I really understand how bad they feel when recently a Russian colleague was explaining me how tasty the buffalo tongue is. Some hardcore delicacy there…yuck… For god sake doesn’t he understand that am a pure non-vegetarian!!!

4) Don’t try forks to eat pappads especially if your boss is around you…Give the chicken leg piece to your boss and help yourself with the gravy…And during company dinners if the boss orders Palak Paneer, order the same and make sure you make it loud and clear how much you love Palak Paneer (however yuck they tastes). Breaking any of the above mentioned rules could cost your job without notice…

5) Never order “chicken 69”...There is no dish like that. I make it loud and clear there is only chicken 65!!

As I say this I ll pass a few techniques to get out of embarrassing dining goof-ups

Imagine taken a bite of something too hot and you are in a catch 22 situation. Start repeating the shloka...”“Waaah…Waah...Waah…bwaaaahahaaaaaaah” .It will spare the tongue of blisters and moreover the host might assume that you are really enjoying the food…

And sometimes it happens especially in Christian families when during dinner someone starts with a prayer...”Let us praise the lord”. And you don’t know how to finish the prayer and somehow make it up like... ”And bless the lamb who sacrificed voluntarily for our gourmet delight.”


Another important aspect is topic of conversation during the meal. Make sure that you talk about something relevant and interesting to all. Last time I had been to a project dinner I stood out like Bush in a party of Einstein, Stephen Hawking and Edison... Coz I was the only bachelor and all they talked was about baby food and the price of prams in town whereas all I wanted to talk was about Cuba and Bill Cosby…!!

And you all might know there are guys who trick us in this business...I wonder how Georgekutty can make chicken mughalai when he himself is Syro Malabar and what he should be making is Malabar chicken curry!! Broad Day light cheating I would say!! How do they make Kentucky fried chicken when am sure the chickens are from Kanjikode...The icing of the cake is when they bring a bill in a nice folder and you have to open it holding your breath and surprise!!. 1000 bucks for that chicken bone...when you can buy a whole poultry farm for that money…

And for redemption the only thing you could do possibly do is steal a few toothpicks, which seems be plenty and free!! :-(

29 comments:

Nags said...

chicken 69!! LOL

and yeah, i ALWAYS refrain from eating noodles in public.

silverine said...

"all I wanted to talk was about Cuba and Bill Cosby"

Now why do I find that so hard to believe? :p

That first para was hilarious!! Ordering a meal is a herculean task nowadays. I finally ask the waiter to give his suggestions and that never fails :)

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

The 1st lines abt ordering were totally hilarious! Usually when am in such a spot i ask for what i can get in the shortest time. There was 1 time when i got "Water" as the reply! Couldn't do anythn bt laugh!

Loved the line "stood out like Bush in a party of Einstein, Stephen Hawking and Edison". Never been in such a situ before! Wd watch out for it!

Mishmash ! said...

Thanks so much , for lightening up mood :)"...A split second mistake can cost your chicken leg, which might have landed in nearby Parthasarathy’s soup…" Awesome!!! :))

If Eating out is so stressful, then you decide to hit the supermarket; think of buying some juice, just checking out the options itself will make you go crazy and confused. Take Tropicana Orange juice, it gives you options like , WITH PULP, SOME PULP, NO PULP, FIBER,VITAMIN C & D, LOW ACID , HEALTHY HEART, FOR KIDS and the list goes on...remember,what you wanted was just an orange juice!!!! :)

Sreejith said...

i normally don't order grilled chicken because it would be rather tired after all the interrogation.

silverine said...

@sreejith: LOL!!!

Srijith Unni said...

Haa Haa..! Hilarious post, mathai..! You a true foodie lover like me..!

Have Fun, Take Care and God Bless.!

With Best Regards,
Srijith.

ap said...

The most desperate I had been was,when I had to eat using chopsticks!!!!
Chinese ppl did find a way to use all those surplus bamboos.....

mathew said...

@Nags
Yeah..i guess only the people from the oriental really are the experts..all others just mug it up! ;-P

@Anjali
Thanks…Bill Cosby rocks!! ;-P
Oh yeah..That’s the best way out..or generally go for the tried and tested ones!!
But some restaurant have a habit of pushing up dishes which they made excessively..

@Abhi
Thanks..
Well I love going out for dinner if I get right and interesting people..neways u ll get to have face a situ like that sometime soon..

@Mishmash!

Thanks you..:-)
Athe..I guess the choice is getting too difficult..Here I find in the shops even flavoured wa-ter..atleast 7-8 varities…;-P

@Sreejith
hehehe..yeah that what my friends say sometime when we mercilessly chop the chicken again and again.. ;-P

@Srijith
thanks..oh yeah..am definitely a foodie lover..

@AP
chopsticks!!..:-O
it took a year for me to manage with the fork and knife..i cant even think of chopsticks now..;-P

mathew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jac said...

mathaai

That was delicious like a chicken kaaal. LOL

Wana have a piece of advice from me, from the land of the famous dishes "gary" and "igasu mellow"...from Nigeria ?

Use your hand when you have to handle woman.........................................................and chickens.
No pun intended to woman.

Zee said...

"Don’t try forks to eat pappads"

good god matthew!!! who eats pappads with forks!!! who the hell have u been hanging out with?

How do we know said...

As always, u make one smile! :-)

Kiran K S said...

Thalle... Polappan Pwaast (Post) thanne kettaaaaa.....

PS: Only 1 U-rated theri???

Naveen said...

:-) .... i coudn't part with the "punjiri" throughout the post ... thanx

wanderlust said...

LOL

"Don’t try forks to eat pappads"

I have seen someone tring to eat a paper roast with a fork. Hilarious is not the word to describe it.

starry nights said...

Hilarious, I needed to laugh and I have to say you made my day.

Red Soul said...

oh my god this is sooooooooooooooo funny. why are u not single. lol. :| guess this isnt so inappropriate after so much chicken here... :-s see my attempt to be funny sucked so bad............ :|:| and I'll try NEVER to eat that paapad wen my boss is sitting arnd.... lol......

Umesh said...

HAHAHAHA I WAS LAUGHING ALL THE WAY. COOL. I THINK WE SHOULD MEET NEXT TIME YOU ARE IN INDIA.

i remember once i ordered for american chowpsey at a punjabi restaurent much to the embarrasment of my friend lavina. She ordered chicken biryani. When the food came i was so smitten by the look and smell of the biryani i some how convinced her to swap our food and i got to eat the biryani. the already embarrased poor lavina had to finish off my american chowpsey.

mathew said...

@Jac
;-P

@Zee
People do crazy things when they are in their senses... ;-P

@How do we know
thanks a lot.. :-)

@Kiran
J thanks dude..

@Naveen
thanks a lot…

@Wanderlust
Paper roast with fork..hahahaha..
I happen to see a small kid trying to eat pappad with fork..and that’s how I got inspired..

@Starry Nights
thanks..glad that you enjoyed it..

@Red Soul
Thanks a lot...
Btw I am still single and living for the sake of my 14 kids and 48 grandchildren!! ;-P

@Umesh
hahaha..that’s so wicked...
Now that u said biriyani ..am hungry!!!;-P

Adorable Pancreas said...

Chicken 69? *ahem*

That was really funny. Thengakkola is a delicacy served only in families where the moms are bad cooks, so most of us have never had it. If you ever visit someplace where it's served, do let me know what it tastes like. :)

Still searching said...

Haha! This was too funny! And btw, Palak Paneer is awesome!! (yeah yeah, i'm a "vegan"!!) :)

Nanditha Prabhu said...

:)
great post as always Saar!

Jyothsna said...

:) All points noted! ;)

VIDYA said...

Maybe u shouldnt use a fork for te papad next time, chopsticks should do the trick. :-d

:) :) lowely post

Di said...

I love eating noodles at restaurants..all you do is take ur fork and twist the noodles around it and....then again ur the foodie here! so my advice is pure Thengakolla! :P

PS: My first mal swear word! yayy! :D

mathew said...

@Adorable Pancreas
Lol!!..well am on the look out..will let know once I get to taste it..

@Still Searching
I like Palak Paneer btw..was just kiddin in the post..;-P

@Nanditha
thanks.. :-P

@Jyothsna
hehehe..thanks..

@Vidya
here it goes..you wont allow innovation..eh..;-P

@Di
hey..that is the swear word for 3 year old kids in Kerala..;-P

Anonymous said...

Sehr interessant und lustig blog..Herzlichen Gl├╝ckwunsch!

mathew said...

@anon
danke!!;-D
glad to see a german reader here..;-)