Friday, April 27, 2007

breaking news and little unbreakable news!!

Is the world upside down or is it coz the way am seeing it.. looks like a bit of both!!!!!!!!!!!

Well the word is out.. US prez George W Bush wins the Nobel peace prize for ensuring long lasting peace in Iraq.. Iraqi people have expressed their gratitude to Mr Bush for bringing in harmony and national unity in the war torn country.. In his thanksgiving speech he said that the 100 odd people killed daily in Baghdad is collateral damage which is ensuring a otherwise “peaceful” state of the country. Motivated by the response .he is now eager to ensure peace Iran as well .. Uh.. only wish he stays in ranch and go fishing once in a while with Condoleezza dudette ..Thanks for all the help dude and god save America!!

Neways amidst all the trouble brewing in the world we have our own little headache back home.. Our Mumbai bureau special correspondent reports……………..

Justice Narendran commission comes out with a detailed report on why Indian team failed in this world Cup. The undistinguished lawyer in his interaction with experts found that the ball was not coming on to the bat for the batsman and the bowl was moving away from the wicket for the bowler. mm..that was some startling news..seems like lotta research went into it!!
Aah.. Don’t worry baba….we have reasons to rejoice…As a part of corrective measures suggested by the commission the ball and the bat will be subject to rigorous imprisonment for 10 years !!…Will that make all you sorry duds happy!!!!!!!

Well the times are bad…Even the normally sedate literary world isn’t spared. Fans express their anger over Salman Rushdie’s latest novel as it is devoid of any inflammatory statements nor did it ridicule any religion or reputed personalities. Several countries issue Fatwa on Rushdie for writing a non controversial book.

The author has gone into hiding after the publication of his latest book “A guide to Bonsai cultivation ”.
That’s why they say if you got a reputation.. thrive on it……….

After the successful exit of the Indian team from world cup Indians are turning their attention to movies. The Cine world is churning ridiculous and mediocre fare at a alarming pace.
Southern heartthrob Mammootty decides to lend his youthful exuberance in a school based love story. He enacts the role of underage kid who falls in a illicit relation with a slightly older Meera Jasmine. The actor claims that he was happy playing a role "realistic" to his age after a long time. And in a new twist Mallika Sherawat has decided to expose. She says that she doesn’t mind showing a bit of skin if the character demands.. Well commitment to artistic excellence demands it!!!!!

Neways since Rediff uncle is busy peeping at Abhishekji’s bedroom we decided to peep into the other aam aadmi who attended the marriage.. If you haven’t noticed let me make a point, Amitabhji like people only whose name starts with A.. He approved err now daughter in law Aishwarya ..His best bud is a self proclaimed “poor man’s” neta Amar Singh who apparently have poor buddies like the Ambani’s.…Well if your name is Alok..Amit..Anoop..or are a big shot man…By the way Amar singhji we believe that you are really struggling to survive in these days of high inflation..You dont have to say it all the time!!

Well some shocking news coming from Kerala…

A vazhipokkan(passer-by) mistook a person walking in the corridors of a govt office at 10 am in the morning for a thief and called up the police .. Later on the claim was found to be untrue. The passer-by had actually mistaken the govt employee for a thief as he was seen at a unearthly time of 10 am. Government employees arriving office on time are advised to exercise caution.

Talking of government institutes, the efficiently performing Indian metrology department is under fire from public. A recent prediction of rain turned out to be true and puts a bad reputation to the department’s consistency in "inconsistency". Well sometimes it doesn’t pay to be right!!!

My tabloid expert correspondent in Amreika reported on Monday that Britney spears has announced her plans to quit drugs until Monday afternoon…oops…Sorry for the late reporting…We never thought it would be this fast…

The world isn’t fair for the sane. it is insanity that thrives!!!!!!!! Well to be fair to all a bit of insanity aint that bad!!!!!! have a nice weekend………chao!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Fundas if you call it that way………..

Observing people is more amusing than observing animals.. If you thought that observing animals are more fun…I ll say they are almost predictable compared to us..

We are shrewd enough to behave weird and irrationally and are inherently manipulative.. The “special” quality called intelligence make sure that our lives are rarely preset.. Strangely our life revolves very much about measuring up other people.... We interpret people.. …Our friends are people who subscribe to our point of view…On a broader level my life is simply defined by how I think and how I want it be..

When I was a kid I never bothered about things like my aim in life.. my objectives.. my ethos.. n stuff.. Growing up demanded me to think….I began to observe..

I have seen death at close quarters. I have seen someone dying in the most absurd manner as someone die after falling off a escalator…I have introspected those times how our life is so fragile…It is so much like glass that could break any moment..

I began thinking of life and its flip side called death…Death is a word that sounds like Shift+delete ..the finality of beingness..It is an event people are curious but afraid and skeptic to think about.. After all we are trained to think positively.
But death is very much a part of our life. Our life is valuable because we will all die one day…We are not necessarily worried about death but about what happens after death.. That air of undefined mysticism.

I have many a time pondered over how much life is to death and the other way around.... When I was kid someone who died was a person who went on a long voyage never to come back.. Then they taught in the church that death is just a stop-over on the way to heaven…Then I read somewhere that death is the finality of existence…Now I was confused..

And the confusion taught me one simple lesson. that no matter what happens after our death there is one thing you can be absolutely sure of is, how we lived till that moment!!

The haze is getting clear …
I have a life which could cease any moment..
We have power to control our life.. We have power to define our thoughts.. We have the power to die satisfied of what we did when alive…

Life till now was a spectrum of human
benovlence..thrill..jealousy.. the various offshoots of the original two..the good and the bad..
I was living a life where I was thinking deep.. where I measured up people all the time.. where I thought I had a right to get angry at someone if it deserved it.. where I thought I could ignore people who could be counted unworthy of attention.. where I though helping someone without expecting anything in return didn’t make sense.. and the “where” list kept going on and on…

We most of the time underestimate how bad we are and overestimate our goodness..

It wasn’t worth all that…It feels so good to think good.. It feels so good to have reasons to smile about ourselves.. Cut down all that hate emotions.. stop gauging others.. start loving others without expecting anything in return.. start smiling at people without expecting a smile back… it doesn’t pay much to do all these..

The moment you die there aint anything you can be really sure off.. you could assume that you will be besides GOD or you could assume that you are another dead battery drained out..

But that very moment you can be absolutely sure of one thing!

How you measured up…!!

Thursday, April 19, 2007


I usually find writing tags quite a cakewalk. .But this one is a bit difficult coz I ve been asked about my dreams and when you talk about dreams I must admit that I rarely get to see the climax in most of em. .I sleep off before it..

I was tagged by a blogger who is some kinda cuckoo who flew over a nest.. ;-P

Name the person who tagged you
Describe what you are asked to do, in this case describe your three dreams / desires nightmares or a combination of them .. whatever you want to tell.
Tag three or five people

Sistah dream..

Odd it might sound I always dreamed I had a sister..or rather I wished I had one. Just like any dream I don’t find any logic for such a dream. I guess I craved for a sister coz at home we lived like in a Men’s hostel with little or zilch stress on things like decorating the house or gardening and bare minimal niceties. Although I hate all those colours like ‘Pink’ or ‘Yellow’ and words like ‘cute’ and ‘chweet’, I like when I see, How Sisters are protective of their brothers.. How sisters make sure that birthdays and other special events are memorable.. At my home we did things more functional without any spice or without being overtly expressive.. I find that at homes where there is a bro and a sis there is so much mutual affection in spite of the bickerings and never ending fights ..I know it is hard to believe that someone can have such a weird dream like having a sister that never existed!!

“I was there finally” dream

Another dream which is purely selfish and which recently was fulfilled. I always dreamt of visiting Switzerland someday.. Never thought that dreams could come true until this visit happened.. This dream was sparked by the heavenly chocolates that I got from a phoren returned relative.. I just wanted to be in a place where I could have chocolates for breakfast ..chocolates for lunch..and chocolates for dinner.. Dream was modified recently after I discovered that Swiss wine is equally good!!

*Default dream* for Men

And like every sane man I dreamt a lot of getting beautiful damsels like Vidya Balan, Meg Ryan, Drew Barrymore and some err a bit costly machines like Porsches and Lamborghini’s…Well I can sing ballads in praise of these beautiful creations by God…And well some of my dreams are purely based on revenge.. While I was in school I dreamed that I would one day get to throw my maths teacher down in a well…It was sheer delight to visualise that!! Neways I have forgiven em all ever since I discovered calculators..

I would like to pass this tag on to people who rarely get time to dreams.. Dreams should just happen by..There are times when we have pre-processed dreams just to make us feel good..Keep dreaming...

Just anyone who feels like sharing the dreams can take up this tag!!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

1251 rupees every month for 65 years!!Join us!

Thesis presented in “Okalahoma School of advanced bluffery”

This is a extract from the thesis paper I presented in the school and was selected by reputed institutes like "Yell Eye Sea" as most indespicable accusation on the trade.
After careful research and countless hours I finished my study on insurance agents.

How to identify the species?

They survive under hard and unwelcome conditions (even more dangerous than Amazon rain forests) and can withstand severe human expletives with ease and panache.
They usually claim to be relatives of yours like your uncle’s father in law’s sister’s son was married to the agent’s brother’s grand aunt’s brother in law, quite simple permutations and combinations..
Please look out for abnormally huge hand bags embossed with a picture of two palms as if trying to close in on your necks.
Species gets instantly attracted to males and females of age group 20-28 ,high value gadgets like cars, bikes and laptops. They also have a dislike for humans older than 75 years of age.

Common technique of catching preys

Although they look calm and harmless most of the time ,they have a uncanny ability to spring up in family functions hide behind the kitchens or toilets and catch you off guard. Background information like your job..your age..your approx salary are already documented in their database. General conversations goes like this.

Agent(smelling fresh blood in the vicinity): “Wow..How tall have you grown up Boy!! When I saw you last time you were a chubby bubbly kid”
Prey(unaware of the lurking danger): “Oh really..I knew I knew!! ..I was quite handsome since then”

Agent: ”Btw Son I think you have had everything in life..a nice job..a nice house..a nice wife.. And a nice insurance policy will make it perfect!! ”
Prey(is already in point of no return):”Er..Ahem..well..hey..i think someone is calling me..oh… comin..”

Some preys do have a easy escape like this. But most of the preys are mercilessly butchered with numbers and left bleeding with cut throat rates.

Suggested techniques of escaping the preys include hiding away or camouflaging amongst the older humans nearby. Generally older humans by then have developed a magnetic premonition of any agents nearby and hence easily gets repelled away.

The venom that is fatal--Policy talk

Blow up Policy

A policy tailor made for people working in safer places away from human inhabitation like Mines ,Oil rigs and tunnels. This one will ensure that if you are killed in a blast , your family is entitled for 25 lakh rupees..special incentive of 10 lakhs if your limbs are severed and face is beyond recognition!!wakooow.!!
Just apply for the scheme..”The future is bombastic—A policy you will die for”
That was lovely Mr Agent , I love the way you cheer me up !!

Get a disease and decease policy

Another attractive scheme that can give maximum returns are the one if you have neuro paralysis neck down or irreversible heart failure. But the best one is if you can manage multiple fracture of the backbone and kidney puncture.. This combination can ensure you get at least 15 lakhs.. This policy makes sense only if you manage to die after paying easy instalments of 25k per month for 10 years.
To make this scheme attractive they have introduced a new offer:-

“Guess how fast you can go 6 feet under” policy..

With this scheme we have variable interest rates, the faster you die more the returns.

Car insurance

Car insurance is not attractive like old times. Your car should be destroyed beyond recognition and at least three passengers should be killed to get the money back from the company. Also note the policy has a clause that the dead person should send a requisition form within 3 days of his death otherwise which the policy will be revoked .

Note: Any destruction to the front panels of the car, doors. engines,brakes,chassis and body of car are not covered under the policy.

Travel Insurance

The hottest policy in town.
Attractive tag lines encourage many people to enrol in this policy.

“Fly with us and crash land for the ultimate thrill”
“Hijackers love ya babies..board my flight”

Best part of this scheme is the unrivalled publicity after your death. TV channels will flash the adventure ride you went through. .Presidents and other world leaders will offer condolences for you.. What more can you ask for!!

If you get lucky the airlines might even offer a free ticket back home ..well inside a coffin..

Theft insurance

The insurance carries a heavy premium. All gadgets at home are covered under the insurance.
Humans are not covered under the scheme.

If your wife is stolen by your colleague it is not considered as a case of theft.
If your kid runs away with the girl next door, It is considered as voluntary submission to theft and is not part of the scheme.
If you lose your bike it is necessary to prove that the bike was not stolen by the above two scenarios.
If you lose your laptop you will be subjected to intense police interrogation !! ;-P

The latest policy in town is “Shock and awe insurance”

Youngster suffering from numbness after watching cricket matches like one in which India losing to East Timor are covered under the scheme. The policy is unique with a reverse shock clause which states that the insured get double the amount in case India manages to beat Australia.

The Policy carries several clauses.
!)Applicable only for select sports
2)India winning kabbadi gold medal in Asian games is not considered a “shock and awe” event
3)The combined experience of the Indian team should be 10 times more than the opponent which will ensure respectability to the contest.
4)If the agency is not able to fully repay you in this scheme, the policy allows you to destruct and vandalise any place of your choice (amongst residences of the cricket players) and burn effigies of any 3 people responsible for mass discontent and grudge.

The latest policy we have introduced is “Stairway to Heaven” policy

This will insure that your death will be condoled by at least 10k people .
Also part of the scheme is a requiem by Alexis Leon.(If any dead person return to life after this, the corporation is not responsible for it)
Extra premium if you want a procession in the streets or a heart wrenching speech from the local MLA(forced closure of shops comes free!!!)

Enrolments opens shortly..!! Arrive at St Thomas Cemetery and grab a seat before its over!!

Are you insured?? The world is a scary place to live. The chai you drank just now might have been poisoned with thallium. There might be a murderer planning his next hit on you. The Comb you use for combing your hair might pierce your skull and injure your brain…It is really really scary…Get insured!

Hoping I am managing to make you feel scared!!!! ;-P

Wishing you all a happy easter!!!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Gucci in Kochi and Ramachandran's in Paris!!..a long way to go..

(Words & music by Ettumanoor Epachen)

As the rain falls
On a cold and gray kottayam mornin
A poor little baby child is born
In the slums
And his ammachi cries
cause if theres one thing that she dont need
It’s another hungry mouth to feed
In the slums…………..……………….

Sounds familiar…eh….Poor Elvis might haven’t in his wild thoughts guessed his song could be rephrased like this...but anyways if Elvis could inspire an entire generation of malayalees to sport his trademark hair style why not his songs too…Well if you still havent got it check your daddy’s album when he was the dude in college flashing his bell bottoms and huge broad collared shirts.. Our parents were defintely fashionable than us...The gypsy era inspired many of our uncles to sport ridiculously outlandish haristyles and moustaches..

If yellow trousers and red shirts were fashion statements then, I was wondering how colorful our streets might have been those days…Thank god when I look at the albums of those olden days most of em are black and white.. Else I would have been “color blinded”..

Sadly our generation has to be so careful with what we wear...

If you wear maroon shirts or sport a rainbow colored umbrella you could be stared at because they think you are gay or wearing a red shirt means you are labeled as a commie..
And if you have all your hair cropped to the middle you could be a nazi and more dangerously sporting a long beard means you could be a terrorist..

Ah..My lucky dad!!..He dint have to bother all these things..Times have changed and now what you wear and how you look talks a lot these days..

When I look at old Hindi movies, it reminds me that Dev Anand had a amazing fashion sense...Inspite of his immense dislike to stay “vertical” while standing, he defintely would have walked the ramp today. Those colorful scarf’s or was it hankies and his extreme tilting skills esp. in the songs..

And “Gabbar” Singh in “Sholay” with his kanpur textiles jeans is defintely more rough than akshay kumar in his ruf and tuf…Don’t be sad southies…we were even more stylish!!!..Now how do we show in movies the hero is a super rich and fashionable guy??..Stick as much silver and gold foils on the clothing..And when this hero goes to discos all that bizarre light shines on him and he glows like a star!!Our own MGR...Prem Nazir...etc were specialists of this technique..But since all that glitters is not gold many of our heroes preferred the bare chested horse riding techniques to show masochism..(You know who am talking abt).

I shouldn’t miss out telling abt Helen or Seema chechi (you see it is there in the respect ;-P)
Half the budget for a movie those days might have gone for cartloads of Cuticura powder to make the heroines "fair and lovely"...Getting tanned wasn’t the buzz, I swear Mallika Sherawat would have been a huge flop back then!! My uncles would defintely spoof at bipasha basu prancing with Prem Nazir!!

Fashion has come a long way..

Amma still scold me when I shell out 1000 bucks for a pair of faded jeans.. How can I convince her that faded jeans are stylish and like dudes say ...”the in thing”.. ;-P

Dad sighs wishing that his son wore starched safari pants. .He still thinks that Sarkari Babu Safari suit is hot...
I find it hard to convince that a torn jeans (with those slits near the knees) is more costly than one which is not torn..
I remember when I tried wearing tight T shirts to college to show my amazing well toned fat deposits my mom would scold me for wearing a blouse…

Italians and Malayalees will vouch for oil dripping hair.. C’mon we are a oil rich country and we love to flaunt it…Each malayalee is packed with enough oil to drive your car a few kilometers more in case you run out of fuel..How enterprising people we are..!!

Was just wondering a conversation I ll have with a junior Mathew some years down the lane..

JM: “Dad..u got any of ur 80’s jeans”
M “:cough cough..why son?”
JM: “ah..they say it can fetch a fortune in the Sotheby’s!!”

Now next time u throw away ur old jeans or shirts...Just think of the fortune you could make out of it...

Recently a large influx of American Britney spears look-alike tourists were noted in Kerala. The government set up a commission to study the phenomenon. Interviews suggested a dirty secret...

“Malayala Melodrama” came out with a full length interview as well...

MM global correspondent from cherruplassery:”maydum..What attracted you to the place..Is it the people or the lush green terrains of gods own county?”

Brenda Cathy (all giggly):”yo..Doodle doo…I love Johnny Depp and I found many people similar to him…they all look damn hot and that attracted me to this part of the world”

Global correspondent Shashi Nair:”dank u maydum…could you please enlighten us where u saw the look-alikes”

Brenda Cathy:”well.!!.You can see em everywhere. I saw many just outside the railway station..They all had that sexy rags.. and tanned unshaven faces.. long twined hair.. most of had those sexy flat abs too”

They have an exotic kind of rap music...sounding like “Ammaaaaaaa…Ammaaaaaaaaaaa

Global correspondent finally found that the poor beggars in our towns were considered fashion statements inspired by the pirates’ of Caribbean hero..My dear Brenda Cathy only if you knew that they were a struggling people try to meet ends meet and those flat abs aren’t a result of liposuction or diet control!!!

Fashion has come a long way.. Religious symbol have become style icons..The holy cross has become cool!! T shirt flaunting Ramayana painting and other gods are a rage .. Let see how much can the generation next surprise us with their idea of fashion.. Will it be colorful like the 70’s or will they go for the ultimate fashion statement., “Just like u came here in your birthday suit”

Btw happy fools day for all…I love this day…it reminds me to stay foolish!! ;-P