Saturday, October 25, 2008

Its party time...

Last Saturday I was invited by a malayalee uncle for a party at his house and as I am obliged by German law (which roughly when translated means “Free food don’t say No”) the offer was gracefully accepted with an emphatic YES.

And years of training and rigorous practice has taught me two things:-

1) Starve yourself four hours before any party for maximum utilization.
2) And two, your stomach already knows there is a party coming, so it’s your duty or karma to meet the hype.

And so after emotionally preparing and giving sufficient time for the afternoon mutton curry to digest, myself and my beloved stomach waited in anticipation for the clock to strike 6….

And precisely at that moment I embarked on this noble journey for a worthwhile cause. After an uneventful ride till the house I reached the party place and was graciously welcomed and as always during such events the inbuilt sensors in my nose activated and began a complicated process of analyzing.

*chicken fry...CLICK…mmm smells awesome…set Priority 1...CLICK…search alternatives…mmmm…Fish curry…doesn’t meet CMM level 5….priority 3…CLICK…..ALARM...ALARM…..sensor detects presence of dangerously attractive substance….sensor match analysis in progress…CLICK….search matches history…CLICK…Budweiser detected….High priority…Shortage detection software launched…CLICK…Safe supplies confirmed...CLICK……Human recognition sensor requests activation…Humans around you ….Activate basic courtesies program…CLICK*

Note that this complicated process caught over a slow motion camera is over actually in .00003 seconds after a performance improvement program was initiated recently. This has helped in quick launch of BCP (Basic Courtesies program) which in circa 95 did not work most of the time according to Mathasree Pithasree Cyber Patrol (MPCP).

Me:” Haa…Kuttiachen uncle…what’s so special about the party? Your son got married is it?”
Babu Uncle: “mm…my son got married in 1997…and btw did Kuttiachen really ...”
Me:”uh…my specks…all these dust…uh….where is Kuttiachen uncle”

*SAVE YOURSELF program activated….high intensity blunder…last adavvu to be used…Pretend nothing happened. Pretend nothing happened. CLICK*

*Navigate to aunties’ zone….less risk area…*

But all hopes were dashed when a peculiarly talkative aunty creates mess in the ceasefire zone.

TA: “aah.…mone…I finally bought the computer”
Me:” great... So hows your new PC, aunty?
I guess by now you are an expert.”

TA: “oh yeah…its all fine…am so good at it…aunty virus um install cheythu.”
Me:“WHAAT?...aunty virus um install cheythoo?? :-O”
TA: “athe mone…aunty virus install cheythudei...every one says aunty virus install cheyenam ennu”
Me “aah….how can did you…how…..!!”
TA: “computer medichappol those guys gave me a CD too...Norton inte anti virus aayirunnu”
Me: “duh!!”

*complete failure day….complete failure day…..navigate to German zone*

And I finally met the beautiful german wife of young german-mallu guy for whom the party was hosted.….

Me: “Hello Catherine….congratulations”
Catherine: “Danke schon…Das...ich Bitch...Ich bin…@#$#@%@#%.”

"Where is the good lord…save me!!”


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Professionally angry..

In office sometimes our work life influence how we speak even for personal questions ,so much that last week one of my managers’ asked a pregnant colleague when the deployment date was for her baby and whether all milestones have been passed.

She replied back saying a visit to the doctor confirmed that the product was free of bugs and would be deployed as scheduled and probably ahead of schedule. That was when the configuration manager wanted to know more about the configuration of the delivery and she replied it was Boy.

It also often happens when we don’t get things done our way we resort to shakedown testing of errant colleagues. One person was even ignominiously asked to go get a patch!! The person changed for good and is a completely different version now.

Well this is probably not restricted to just one industry as I hear from colleagues working elsewhere like:-

In the Hospital, furious anesthetist 1 to anesthetist 2
“What kind of a person are you...How could you be so numb? “

Overheard at the psychiatrist’s conference
“You say another word and I ll split your personality!!”

Dentist’s over a brawl
“I ll fight tooth and nail to get it from you…Mister!!”

Between Politicians
“WHAT…WHAT did you call ME? A common Man!!”

Overheard in NASA.
“And who do you think you are…Mister Asstronaut!!!”

Pilots trying to be civil
Take off!!

I ll teach you a lesson that you ll never forget!!

God’s not in a good mood.
To hell with you!!

Desi Electrician’s first day in USA
It was a cultural shock!!

Plumber to another Plumber
“And you beating me…eh. Talk of pipe dreams!!”

Upset plastic surgeon
“No point saving face here...I ll come after you anyways.”

Chef fights
Now you cook up some story...but it doesn’t cut any ice with me.

Nuclear scientist
Your reaction was way unacceptable Dr.Mehra.

Wall Street guys
I ll surely give you a run for you money!

Swiss watchmakers
I ll give you a hard time…

We don’t see eye to eye on this matter.

Weather man’s curse
I forecast a miserable life for you.

Municipal worker to Boss
Rubbish. Rubbish…This is all what you talk! Uh!!

It seems we need to split our work life and personal life.
And I realized it even more when my colleague told me she delivered a baby boy and exceeded customer satisfaction of his Dad and Mom...Duh!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

In the name of the Nair, and of the Papoos and of the Aboobacker!!

Besides the sound of cluttering knives and spaghetti that was more interested in giving me an Italian facial than navigate towards the mouth, lunch was going fine until someone thundered….

“Could you pass on the salt, NUMB ASIAN?”

Wolfgang didn’t bat an eyelid while requesting, though it did mightily offend some ayyo paavam guy in the lunch table. Later in the day with profound feelings my colleague expressed regret at the racial slur which he seemed to regularly face from Wolfgang…


As was done in college's back home, he began considering ways to import his Chettiar uncles to teach the Wolf’gang a lesson or two…Thirunelveli style!! Thankfully it cost me only two Budweiser’s to get him back in good spirits and ofcourse comfortably numb…Needless to say, as a country blessed with surplus of names ranging from Mukherjee’s to Chatterjee’s and Venkatapathy’s to Chakrapani’s, we have often the most mispronounced name’s in the world. And this was no mere flash in the pan.

Infact many folks in office have asked in hushed tones whether SubHash did really trade in it… or why NiThin was not really thin…mea culpa, partly my fault I taught european colleagues how to pronounce Indian names...

Banerjee became B-energy
Nambiar became Numb-Beer
became N- “I Do”

As a result one fine day, B-energy, Numb-beer and N- I do did give a nice sermon to this madrasi…what to say, they got it wrong…Madras is just one of our little offshore colonies thampi!!… Kadavulei …all my fault!!!

Talking of names, I have a name that sounds great only if you have a Dr. besides it like in Dr.Drake Ramoray and my brother has a name which he should have shed by the time he was three…But then its in our genes to stay young forever and it was a greater plan by our forefathers to have a dozen kunjumon’s, a couple of kunjachen’s and a sprinkling of kuttitachen’s maintained in police records of changanasseri every financial year…a well executed family tradition for the frigging old to stay young forever… In our household even Sarah Palin is fondly called Sarahkutty!!

As people often are reminded more of unusual mallu names which actually are derived from ancient Sanskrit sloka’s (for eg. Sunny Thomas comes from the sun god), we often miss the gems from other states…Other day my roommate told me about his cousin who is apparently called ‘New Begin’…
Yes, it’s a name with all due respect to his bro must have come from parents who were not happy with the elder one and all hopes were on a ‘new beginning’ in their sordid lives…
If there are heights of creative names. This is it!!
Thank god, he did not have a younger bro who would in all probability might have been ‘Apocalypse Now’!!

As New Begin is currently onsite in New York I have to stick with names here. But again germans have a weird sense of humor coz someone like George Fock doesn’t have the best surname in the world for a pleasing ‘Good morning Mr.…..”
As a matter of fact, I am now used to an office having boring Boris and wonder Gunther and such names don’t scare me anymore!! Hitler though does…

But who am I to blame about names…After all back home our people understand this catastrophic problem and I have learned to know that most kannadigas are either a boss or a helli saar….most malayalees are aliyan’s and machambi’s and most north Indians are baap of someone!! Who cares about real names anyways!!

P.S. watching my city video..:-)

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Lover's path*...

I have been tagged by Cris and '4sometime' I have been reading her musings in the wonderfully designed blog of her’s…. a tag on little something’s about love….:-)
One of the most used four letter word in the English language(probably overtaken by another four letter off late) and this tag couldn’t have come at a better time…but then tag’s are like the bailout packages of the blog world and it helps to move on…

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 6 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you what would your reaction be?
I’ ll run as fast as possible to the bank...probably she is still using my credit card!!

2. What’s it that you see in an ideal partner?
Expertise in making a good fish curry besides honesty.

3. What, according to you, is the perfect date?
Go for a romantic Adoor Gopalakrishan movie and go to a park and discuss about it. . I make good first impressions…;-P

4. Would you like to have children soon enough? Or would you wait till your mid-thirties for the first child?
Ofcoz .at least a dozen….

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
I don’t know what to say… Nelly Furtado says she doesn’t mind.

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
To have it both at the same time… :-)

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
I don’t intend to wait anymore.

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
Ofcoz arrange goonda’s to thrash the guy to pulp and kidnap her threaten her parents...his parents…*wicked grin*
On a serious note…appreciate and respect the girl if you genuinely like her…Be a gentleman and wish the couple all the best…

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
Help hungry people have a meal.

10. Do you lie?
Yes...on the couch.... ;-P

11. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
I should be older by 10 years…must be on my way to nearest store to buy Godrej hair dye…

12. What’s your fear?
Fear of not falling in love.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
A smart independent girl who has a mind of her own…

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Married to a poor Nelly Furtado…I have no choice!! :-(

15. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
Pick one which falls first….Good mangoes fall first on the ground…

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
Giving ‘all’ in a ‘relation’ is a necessary’alteration’ to keep the relationship moving…

17. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
You forgive to give the other person get one chance to make you forget it.

18. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
Currently prefer sticking to single life…though aspire to have a relationship sometime…

19. Your all time favourite song. Only ONE. And why?
For a change going with the tag, I ll share a video from wonder years..

1. SM…a new blogger I came across..lovely poems
2. Deepti .. blogger block victim.
3. Abraham….sense of humour is not nonsense here..

*a popular trail in a Kottayam college..

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

original photo

modified to suit what we need to learn from him today..