Saturday, May 24, 2008

Mandankunju’s Euro trip!!!!!!!!!

*mallu flavoured post*

*crackling noise from the cockpit*

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Airbus A340 will land shortly at London Heathrow airport.
Passengers are requested to fasten their seat belts...”

Oh, by the way I think those seat belts are actually put in planes to tie down passengers from doing anything ‘pervertious’ to magnetically attractive air hostesses.. How could they possibly invent something like that which is basically a “man restraint” under the pretext of passenger safety!!

Anyways after a few minutes of useless announcements.

THUD” (Pilots way of telling you that they are running the show)

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is the captain of flight BA 767. You have arrived at London Heathrow terminal 2A. The crew wishes you a pleasant stay ahead.”

It was a small step for the rest but a giant leap for Mandankunju, when he resoundingly fell on the aerobridge after the sexy airhostess gave him the strawberry candy.

And with a bunch of friends who tagged along, there was enough ruckus that would have made English hooligans wince in envy.

England is a country which is roughly the size of Tamil Nadu and looks like a piece of bread crumb which was attacked on all four sides by ants. Nevertheless now ever since England has been recolonised along with other countries like for example the United States by immigrant Indians, the sun never sets in the Bharat Empire!!

Well after a rather unimpressive day checking out an odd bridge and a clock tower, Mandankunju visits Madame Tussads. Walking past famous wax models evoked ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaaaahs’ from his friends though MK couldn’t recognize anyone. Alas his ‘wiki’ friends seemed to know every T, D and H...Khrushchev, Queen Elizabeth…Captain Jack…. It was frustrating for Mandankunju to walk past mannequins whom he barely recognized. Until he saw….

” guys…dei…. Check out Adoor Goopalakrishnan….”

“Pulli ithraa famous aanu ennu arinjilla…”(never knew he was so famous)

All excited to find finally someone he knew, the camera is popped to the nearby sahippu…

Sir...Please could you take a snap for me with Adoor Goopalakrishnan

“Excuse me gentleman...but….but he is EINSTEIN”

“Whaaaaaaaaaat…who is that!!”


Insulted he takes the camera back and quips back nonchalantly..

“Oh pinee… if he is a genius or something!!”

Mandankunju came out unable to believe how a reputed museum could make a mistake with an Adoor Goopalakrishnan look alike!! The Brits did not impress him and off he packed bags to Deutschland………

Ich Bin Berliner he says…das Lander of Goethe und Polizei in Mercedez…Deutschland Uber Alles!. Walking down the graffiti laced alley near a Berlin street he noticed several bald people gathered around…maybe some ‘kashandi thallayans* association meeting’. Anyway it stuck him to explore a business opportunity back home...

“Haai…Hitler chetta …ee kashandi maatam...there is a vaidyan in chalakudy...He give you good kashayam...good thaiylam and good hair growth...… hair grow like pea sprouts!!”

Suddenly the prospective clientele surrounded him in the secluded street …What happened after that was graphic in detail. But several days later Mandankunju’s friend wrote in his diary…

Last week Mandankunju met a few Nazi skinheads. He tried to offer them a kashayam from chalakudy aryavaidyashaala…Things didn’t go well after that. He will need an appointment with vaidyan…. Oh btw it would be for an extensive’ pizhichil**”

Though later, M.K told his friend that he would rather have some professional help to over come the trauma he had gone through. And his ever dependable friend acceded to the request and took him to the nearest BAR.

After recovering from “thirummal” by the skinheads he headed towards a more peaceful and cheerful country…Netherlands…Something baffled him though throughout the ride. He admired the sheer audacity of the Dutch to install giant fans in the countryside!
Might be a rich country to afford such huge fans just like that…extravaganza unheard of!!

Van der waart never might have thought windmills could give wrong impressions to some people…After spending time in a country where the national flower is ‘marijuana’ and national pastime is to be ‘stoned’, he decided to see some vintage Europe…

For a change they decided to travel south… ITALY.
.As soon as they landed his friend began explaining the marvelous wonders of Rome…

Da…You know? Rome was not built in a day….”

M.K. turns his head and says..

.”Oh c’mon…BIG DEAL!!…Neither was Etumanooor

His friend dropped the plan of sharing further gyan…They walked past the Vatican museum corridors and were impressed by the Michael Angelo paintings which were quite old as MK noticed specifically … The Swiss guards really confused him and MK was seen asking his friends whether there is any Russian circus going on somewhere nearby.

Nevertheless when in Italy, everyone gotta try Italian food … the pizzas and pastas.

So his friend orders a pizza at the café…

Waiter turns towards M.K…..”Uno Pizza?” (One pizza?)

“Oh...evide oonum kittumo...I ll have oonu*** in that case!!”

After a collective sigh…his friends looked at a caption on the wall...

”All roads lead to Rome...”

And they completed the phrase in unison.

“And for some it still leads to Kerala……….”

*bald headed
** ayurvedic massage
***kerala lunch

Friday, May 16, 2008

gimme five!!

Five people I hate?
Well such a question five years ago would have attracted a venomous spit at more than 5 people…I think most people hate child abusers, racists, incest indulgers etc. That is so obvious isn’t...I mean you wouldn’t find a guy who would write in his facebook profile...’Hi guys, I love people who kill others’. But here I am tagged by a good blogger friend Usha to list out the people I hate…
Although it sounds so unrealistic, in real life I have not yet met any particular person worthy of hate as in say, I hate ‘X’. Even if I try to convince myself to hate one particular person, I am simply not able to do it because I end up feeling guilty before I can really hate that person… …sounds strange…eh...

I think it’s with everyone...maybe as kids we might have hated one particular person…period... for most trivial of reasons.
Although am not much of a Gandhian, I really believe that we don’t have the right to hate someone for something. Because we ourselves are never perfect and once we hate that person we are indirectly not allowing that person to change for good. It is sad that most of us don’t realise that people DO change...from good to bad, which would so easily be believed though…but to believe someone changed from bad to good...tough to believe eh!!

Well however if I have to, say express hate at someone or a group, it might be the Nazis. I was always fascinated with the war and the Jewish angle way before I came to Germany. Probably it is the dose of war movies like ‘schindler’s’, ‘pianist’ and literature like ‘Anne Frank diary’ that attracted me to it. And now ending up in a country where it all started was strange for me considered how much I loved Germany but at the same time sympathised with the Jews. When I say I wish Nazis didn’t exist it would mean any similar gang of people who torture people like they did in Auschwitz or Dachau.I don’t have any qualms in saying that I have cried watching these movies and being at the sites and would love to believe that the people who suffered then are now somewhere happy and peaceful…
Besides that on a daily basis, I must say I get irritated with people who dont respect time and keep people waiting.. people who lie about others...and people full of themselves..

Keeping aside that generic hate, it is easy to list out the people I hate…or maybe hated…

Age 0-2
Doc who gave me that injection for vaccination
Doc who gave me that thwack on bum to make me cry
Doc who gave the bitter syrup for cold
Uncle who threw me up in air and thought I was enjoying in it…man that must have been one scary ride…
The diaper. Why is that always wet btw!!

Age 5-12
Maths teacher
Hindi teacher
All the girls in class
Music teacher for making 40 horrible sounding kids believe they are actually SINGING!!
Manoj Prabhakar

Age 14-18
Dad and Mom…Period
mm…I HATE the whole world!!!!

Age 18-22
People who hate communism
All Malayalam movie directors of that time

Age 45-55
All those kids who trying to spoil my child
All those kids who are not respecting us elders
My children for acting like a 16-year-old kid
Tax department

Age 75
Doc who gave me that insulin injection
Doc who gave me that 15 pills for high blood pressure.
Doc who gave me that awkward bone massage
My children who think I am acting like an old man.

Age80 (if it goes that far ;-P)
Well….gone so far…
Sadly there aint any left. …TO HATE!!!

I don’t feel like tagging anyone in particular…maybe again it feels like I am spreading hate vibes...But if anyone wants to get their steam off anyone please do take it up… ;-)
aah..friday song for all friends here...i love these kind of songs which you can listen lazing on a sofa and just keep you head moving to the rhythm...auf weidersehen!!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Crap Expresso!!

The Crap express begins here.
It takes you to the real world of nonsense and utter nonsense. ..
wow..i feel home..

Overheard Somewhere….

JOOM TV reporter to Item girl:-”Rakhi, There are gossips running around that you want to date someone like ‘An officer and a Gentleman’ “Is it true? “

Rakhi fuming: and furious: - “Bitch!!...I am not that cheap you know? Dating two people at the same time…uh! What do you think of me!! ”

After the reporter left the place, a panicked Rakhi rings up the Gentleman:- “Sweetheart, I swear what she asked on television is absolutely untrue…I don’t go out with the officer anymore..”

The gentleman call it quits and delivers all her goodies to her home and ofcoz with a DVD of the movie which apparently would enhance her IQ by a whooping 50%.

Meanwhile somewhere in the Secretariat a minister is puffing his Dinesh beedi…
Kerala Health minister to secretary: “PILLAI... You say Kerala has highest liquor consumption?”
Health Secretary: Yes SIR!!
Kerala Health minister:” PILLAI… You say Kerala has the highest percentage of suicides in our country as well?”
Health Secretary: Yes SIR!!
Health Minister:”You know what PILLAI??. I have studied till fourth, but I can’t figure out how the hell we STILL have the highest life expectancy in the whole country!!!!!!*

Health Secretary submits his resignation unable to answer the toughest question since his civil services interview.

We get back to media, as a famous news website which gives authenticate interviews did this..

Dudiff interviewer:”Paaji...Your favourite kind of movies??”
Harbhajan:”Oye... I love slap stick comedies! Oops NOOO!! ..I withdraw the statement...Ask me another”
Dudiff:”Paaji…what kind of music do you listen to”
Harbhajan “Aussie…I mean like Ozzy…Ozzy Osburne..Could you please cut off this question as well?”
Dudiff:”Okay Paaji…one last quick question…Almonds or Symonds”
Harbhajan: “Teri…@#%*&……...”
Dudiff: “Thanks Paaji...We will edit it to make it even more scandalous!!”


What’s in the news?

Union avaition minister fly in to Chennai to dedicate the new Airport.
He has come down to inaugurate the new Bengaluru international airport which has come up in the western suburbs of Chennai.

New Hockey league floated to bring in competitiveness and glamour.
Punjab Gills and Chennai Jyothis would be the star teams of the tournment. Chennai team bought the star player Kumaran for a huge some of 50000 rupees at a hotel in the city. Television channels were told not to be ‘stingy’ with the coverage. Punjab Gills however has promised to win the trophy within the next 346 years and ridiculed at critics who don’t understand him.

Oxford dictionary acknowledges new word of Indian origin

Amarsinghed (adj)
To be spotted with Amitabh bacchan.
To be spotted in television for no reason.

Usage: Can be used as a verb.
Abhishek bacchan was found to be Amarsinghing at the filmfare award function

Pritaming (Noun)
The art of copying or layman word for Xeroxing.

Usage: Please submit the pritam of your passport for filing the visa application.
That song looks like pritamed from somewhere.
Two students dismissed for Pritaming during the exam.

To make contriversial decisions

Usage: M.F Hussain ramadossed again!!
In another ramadossier, the minister requested the defence minister to stop using 'smoke screens’ for our military exercises considering the health impacts on enemy soldiers.


Gossip Column

Pinarayi Vijayan admits he failed for the English paper in school because he couldn’t answer the question àMake a sentence with the words ‘peaceful’ and ‘co-existence’. Though later he passed with flying colors for his diploma in machine and tools.

Anil Ambani building a new home in Mumbai. Teams of architects say the new multi storey building is so tall that it would overlook the Atlantic Ocean across Africa. The first fifteen floors would be dedicated for family disputes resolving boardrooms. The family would be staying in floors 16 to 20.Any further high the signals from reliance telecom wouldn’t reach. There also plans to schedule the Mumbai Marathon in this house where runner would have to climb the 125 floors in the 42 kilometer long stretch. Winners would be given a house on a shared basis. (Not shares)

Sigh the crap expresso terminates here. Have a safe journey ahead!!
Please alight from this blog station for more sensible life..if any!!

Thursday, May 01, 2008