Friday, March 14, 2008

Citius, Altius, Fortius

Hurrah... Olympics is around the corner. The time when a lucky bunch of people can travel abroad bindaas and wave hands at us during the opening ceremony …They always seem to say ‘Gotcha get back to work you idiots, we are here just for fun’. However I have certain psychic powers, which allow me to foresee the headlines we can expect around those days.

*So switch on your television sets ladies and gentlemen*

Good evening…I am Blabber Kapoor and this is GNN and we bring to you the top stories and remaining cooked up stories of the hour.

First we bring to you, our special spotlight segment on the Olympics in Beijing.

As always we have kept our medal tally intact retaining traditional numerical sequence of 000. Thankfully the athletes have done our country proud by their remarkable sportsmanship. Like in all tournaments certain teams at ‘certain’ positions in the medal tally are given ‘the fairplay award’. This time it goes to the Indian contingent. This award was given taking into consideration the Gandhian ways adopted by renowned boxer Gusti Singh who showed his other cheek after the Uzbek pugilist threw a classic knockout jab on his face. Fragments of Gusti pehlwan’s molar teeth fetched a high price at the souvenir shop in little known town of Termez in Uzbekistan.

Suzzie…(Oye...move that camera to her)

In tragic circumstances a body was recovered in the swimming pool shortly after a 1000 m freestyle race at the aquatic complex. Reports suggest the Indian swimmer drowned seconds after the race began. Investigators found the manuals provided by ‘Swimming Federation of India ‘ were found to be out of syllabus and incomplete... It was found that due to a minor printing errors, few pages of the bestseller do-it-yourself manual ‘How to learn swimming in 15 days’ were missing in his copy.

Meanwhile the Games ‘Lost and Found’ agents are investigating reports of another Indian who has gone missing last Thursday. Grainy camera footage suggests that the javelin thrower was propelled outside the stadium along with the spear. Search is still on going by Chinese authorities.

Back home glum faced Indian hockey team players were found munching KPS Gilled...oops I apologize for the slip-up… Indian hockey team players were found munching KPS grilled chicken at a downtown restaurant in Amristar…The players were not available for comments.

Now its time for a short break, but we leave you with a question in our SMS contest.

Which material is used for the flooring in Mr. Gill’s house?

A) Grass
B) Marble
C) Astro-Turf
D) He doesn’t stand on his floor

SMS your answer to 6655 and win a brand new instant coffee machine.

* Tantadaaaaaan…Ads for baby milk powder/Bike/Car/Baniyan/Bank/Masala powder/tooth pick etc… well as always starring Dhoni *

Welcome back our viewers! You are watching the Number 1 new channel (all others are bluffing). Here are other stories of this hour.

Beijing Olympic catering services reported huge shortage of eggs and chicken. The authorities have issued warning to un-disclosed contingents not to steal poultry from the Games canteen stores. Special greeting cards with Tiananmen Square stills were kept on their beds. Authorities report that 354 hens and 254 cartons of milk were surrendered outside the canteen keeper’s house the following day.

Popularity of our Olympians reached an all time low after Indian Archers brutally killed 3 Chinese onlookers during the preliminary rounds. One Indian newspaper has digged out that the grandfather of one of the archers harbored deep hatred for the grandmother of one of the victims. We are still trying to link up the story to make it look authenticate.

Famous triathlon Indian star was reportedly seen in Japan. In what legends call as first of a kind he swam across Yangtze Kiang and ran the countryside before swimming across the Sea of Japan in a mind-blowing display of physical agility. The athlete was found outside the US embassy seeking a green card.

Meanwhile the public outcry over the mismanagement of sports in the country is brewing...Our reporters went to the streets to investigate the real cause.

“I teach my child so that he can be a famous doctor one day. I am sending him to chemistry.physics, Biology and English also sending him to the music school where he is taking western music lessons...Although sometimes when he sings Pavarotti’s ‘Nessun Dorma’ our neighbor’s dogs bark!!”

Our reporters wanted to know what children think about it.

“Why don’t you indulge in football or swimming…Don’t you like sports?”

“I like playing badminton…But dad says u play only chess which would help me in Math…He says I ll be kicked out of home if I don’t score a score in Math!!”

Back to other Games stories.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi have split again.
They had a savage fight over the candies served in the games canteen. Paes wanted the Yellow one while Mahesh claims to have set eyes on them before...They have agreed to split for the time being and would announce their coming together for a national cause soon.

American athletes were denied ‘change’ at Games Souvenir shops as they were found to possess ‘Obama’.

Chinese miniature artists announce that they don’t have any ‘big’ plans for the games.

For the 2012 Games, American athletes plan to outsource the training routines to Indian service providers. The hard working Indians would run on treadmills while the athletes sleep.

A contingent from Afghanistan took the flight home after they found there was no event for anti-aircraft firing or minesweepers. Disgruntled players have returned to enjoy pastimes in favorable conditions…

Games anti-doping agencies found traces of blood and flesh in visiting fashion models from France.

Concerned over the rising pollution in Beijing, the CCP committee have requested comrades in Kerala to delay ‘attukaal pongala’ till the games are over. Comrades back home have agreed for the noble cause.

Amidst this chaos Indian cricket team is awarded 10 crore rupees by the BCCI after a tour of Kenya because they did not have enough space in their coffers to keep the change. Funds have also been allocated to improve facility in cricket stadiums.

We would now have an Air conditioned Sauna/Jacuzzi attached room for board meetings.

Spectators as usual would be shown…hmm…you know what!!!


Still Searching said...

Hahaha! Awesome! Cant believe you came up with all this! :)

freespirit said...

Woah! that was one marathon laughathon session :)

Neena Padayatty said...

Brilliant piece of satire!...It takes very deep awareness to include so much detail... Très bien!

mathew said...

@still searching


Merci madamme..thats as good my french gets..:-)

Adorable Pancreas said...

My favourite bit was about the miniature model makers. :)

Seema said...

ROFL..funny to the last line :) Brilliant crafting !

silverine said...

I am in the wrong job :(

And I have the finger to show too *sob*

On second thoughts will that help me qualify???

jj said...

Can't stop Laughing...
Hail thy psychic powers!!!

mathew said...

@Adorable Pancreas
thank you…I like miniature models though..there is a miniature wonderland here!!

thanks a lot..:-)

You are in the wrong job..You should be quitting and writing blogs all day!!! :-)

thank you… I have very strong psychic powers…I saw images of an object from space land-ing on earth…wait it might be the space shuttle!! ;-P

VIDYA said...

oh my! Neighbours have started enquiring about my long laugh session, this is a work of art,

and i smsedd i wana win the INSTANT coffee machine! :d

anN-series said...

what abt 'news is just coming in that one of the members of the indian contingent has been accused of molesting/raping a woman in the games village'...

as always rotfl stuff...

Usha said...

veery funny! :D
i'd say, u'll give the aajtak folks a good run for their money, if only u manage to float a tv news channel!

Nanditha Prabhu said...

i nearly woke up my sleeping son....
thank s for these laughter therapies.. you are truly gifted.

జేబి - JB said...

Loved it, like all ur previous satires. U write them very well

Destination Infinity said...

Too Good.

Zee said...

hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how about throwing some light on the remaining cooked up stories??

Rejil Krishnan said...

man.. i jus can't stop laughing... brilliance ...thts wht in word word... satire is so tuff a tool and more than that very less of readers understand the essence behind it.... yet u make it so easy...:) keep gng..loved this post in absolute terms.. esp the last paragraph... and the frst few lines...

mathew said...

danke ..danke..yeah you win the coffee machine!! ;-P

that’s not news happens every day.!! Sigh..

well that’s a good idea..i always wanted to read the weather in television ;-P

thanks a lot…:-)


@Destination Infinity
thank you..:-)

well that’s what neway hear on televison ..aint it..

thanks a lot glad you enjoyed the satire..;-)

broca's area said...

"good evening…I am Blabber Kapoor and this is GNN and we bring to you the top stories and remaining cooked up stories of the hour" funny one liner!!:)

Priyankari said...

Very funny post!! Great write-up!Laughed a lot!!

Jina said...

adorably brilliant...

Jina said...

adorably brilliant...