Thursday, March 06, 2008

Eros meets Venus and Andreas plays along.

Andreas is going on a blind date tomorrow.

Statistically speaking, Andreas has had a fairly successful married life having gone through divorce just twice in his chequered marital history. That makes the subject an interesting bet for our in-house office gambles. It means I can look forward to make some money in a couple of months or maybe if I get luckier in a couple of weeks itself.

He is shelling out a decent amount for this gripping event where a random group of boys and girls (primarily middle aged men and women who suffer from time freeze disorder) meet at the date house .If you already wonder about the silliness of it, let me tell you that it is a professionally managed event by a company which will use the services of a professional chef who act as the anchor for the whole event. The concept revolves around the chef who will teach the “boys and girls” a recipe, which they all cook together and serve the 'greater purpose' of getting to know each other. Knowing culinary track records I am eager to know what Andreas would do if the chef asked him to cut the ‘ladyfingers’. Got a gut feeling that he would leave a ‘lasting impression’ by and large...

Neways this concept was new to me and I found it very fascinating. It might have been really interesting if this concept was in India. Or maybe it existed already. I guess ammachi made some awesome pulli itta meen curry that simply swept appachan off feet (during which he fell with a resounding thud) before they got married in early 20th century...Ammachi in her trademark chattayyum mundum and Appachan in his coarse demeanor might have registered for the blind date at one of those swanky hic places in changanaserry*...After all It would have been a blind date neways coz of the frequent power cuts those days. And hic places in changanaserry are invariably paraipally or kurisimoodu palli.

Nonetheless I guess there wasn’t much of a choice back then and the date usually lead to marriage. Now envisage how things worked several decades further ago, an era when people sneered and expressed shock at adult marriages. Those days of child marriage meant it was the happiest day in a kid’s life besides the obvious “happy birthday”. He would taunt his friends. “Hey mate, Dad said I can skip school tomorrow coz am getting married to Susan of III you do that bleddy homework youself!!..boohooh...”

However recollecting my own intimate personal experiences, the first dates I had was in the late eighties most of em which left a bad taste in my mouth...those midgets were not of my types and for sure I didn’t fancy the seedy stories I had to deal with after that! Later on during my teens I got acquainted with voluptuous dates who were born in Dubai, Saudi and other gulf countries. We were almost like made for each other and I have many fond memories with them.
Man!! Those Arabs are really lucky to have so many dates…. especially the premium export quality ones!! Love em!

Coming back to the story, just like they say all good things have to come to and end. The couples are often temporarily blinded by a phenomenon called cupid blindness syndrome which if left untreated leads to marriage. The bitch suddenly becomes the darling and the pig suddenly becomes the handsome bloke. Well it is all a vicious circle and sooner or later the names will keep changing.

But the real problem with marriage which most of my friends are worried about is, one of them gains weight. Sometimes both the guy and the girl…But for sure at least one of them will turn chubby in a couple of months. This too is not devoid of scientific explanation, which was extrapolated after careful research by this PhD holder. On an average, every newly married couple is forcibly made to consume 65 kilos of Ladoo, 123 litres of milk, 33 pound of gajar ka halwa, 125 kilos of high fat peda and ofcoz not to mention the 256 chickens and 150 goats all by loving relatives and friends who simply cant stand passing on a revenge they were subject to. It is interesting to know who actually gets to be the scapegoat coz he or she would be then send to a horrible and horrendous place where unspeakable crime of epic proportions happen behind closed doors. It is often called *the gym* in conventional English language.

Personally I would prefer to know the 'gym' like a topic which your learn about in school and can forget after the exam. Must say it is the most de-motivating place I have ever been to in my life. Even more discouraging than a graffiti painter who asked Picasso. ’Mamu...Do ya know to paint??’ . But often I have seen people who badly need motivation going through those hallowed doors. The kind of guy who will pick a 2.5 kilo dumbbell and do some kind of wobbling action for a minute and ask us.’ wings...Haven’t they got bigger?’ and wouldn’t stop asking that until we say in exasperation... ‘Man…. I swear you look like Sylver Stallone in Rambo. I swear’
Folks you are at the wrong place for self-motivation. Better listen to Frasier for that!!

The gym-marriage relation predates from pre-marriage times. My roommate is getting married soon and I now understand the sacrifices he is making for it. Cycling for hours to shed those exquisite storehouses of energy called ‘flab’s’. Checking out countless shops to get the right suit which is getting difficult by the day coz out here a 6 foot tall man is often addressed by girls as ‘cho chweet...cute lilliputian isn’t? ‘. And the last straw is the mischievous technique which I have employed asking him to make new and different dishes daily so that he can impress his wifey post marriage. I don’t have to cook often these days.;-P

Dating, Marriage and life thereafter is something like the antonym of physics. There are no laws, no rules and no formulas…Things just have to happen by. Neways let me see tomorrow how and when Andreas arrives in office. It’s quite easy to figure out how well his date went by. You just have to check out how meticulously has he worn the tie and whether he has already started growing the classic tragic stubble... ;-P

Like all stories they taught in school, the teacher asketh the moral of the story. But I rather suggest a moratorium considering the best interest of our country and the burgeoning population, Fellow countrymen let’s have more of dating and less of mating!! Whatsay?

*Biggest metro-city in the world after Newyork


david santos said...

Hello, Matew!
Great posting!
I loved this blog.
Have a good day

eljo said...

puthiya punchline kollamello !!! no mating only dating... ithu poyi veettukaarodu paranjekku, appo thanne thirichu veetileku vilicholum. pinne pennu kettichettey adutha onsiteinu vidathollu ;-)

VIDYA said...

happy premium export quality dates. :-d

amazing read.

jac said...

Want a date from here, premium export quality laced with honey ?

Nanditha Prabhu said...

just post it to you people back home .....:)
endu patti?

anN-series said...

"Fellow countrymen let’s have more of dating and less of mating!!"

germany having some 'positive' effect on changanaserry achayan!!!...or more dating means eating more of the premium quality dates during the time allotted for mating?

silverine said...

If Dates are Aphrodisiacs, then you are in trouble! More dating will lead to more mating :))

Blr too started a 'clean' singles dating service for IT folks, but it fizzled out as the fear of bad name kept most gals away. Poor you guys. Hope Andreas has had better luck! :)

Jackfruit said...

Fellow countrymen let’s have more of dating and less of mating!!

our fellow countrymen do need these lessons :)

BTW one correction "Biggest metro-city in the world after Newyork
is Pathanamthitta" :-D

alakananda said...

good one mathew. most of our marriages, i mean the arranged ones are blind dates aren't they? and i don't mean the seedy/plump varieties either.
and its when sight returns that trouble starts :))

mathew said...


Hahaha..i hope they don’t get to read this by any remote chance.. ;-P

Thank you.. ;-P

Hahaha..those dates were child hood desires when I had a sweet tooth..

Athu veno…hehehe

Infact I don’t like them anymore…err..well after I discovered beer..;-P

OMG..that is a epic disaster for us guys!! :-P
Andreas seems quite happy off late..he has gone to the Caribbean’s ..Am not sure whether he has gone alone.. ;-P

I wont agree to that..Pathanamthitta just would manage above Shanghai..;-P

Infact arranged marriages are more radical in that respect..atleast people get to know each other after that blind date..But it has its pros which is evident that we indians have more successful marriages atleast on paper.

Anonymous said...

Mathew mone,

How are you? We are fine here though a little concerned about you after reading this post forwarded err I mean when we read this post on your blog.

I have shortlisted 1376 girls for you...and appa has shortlisted another 790. Appa had to hire the CRPF to keep the rejectees from resorting to violent protests in front of the house. But that is natural for parents of eligible young men like us.

Please come home soon. We cannot keep all these profiles of girls for long as they are bulky and take up space. We are right now living in the cowshed. But that is alright as we were getting threats after this post of yours by concerned men. If they come looking for us, they will never think of looking for us here.The cows don't like it though.

So come home soon. This Easter we will "ensure" that you are a happily married man.

Yours lovingly,


Mishmash ! said...

A couple of weeks back I made a light suggestion of u linking ur blog in your matrimony profile but now with this call for moratorium , I think you should nt even consider my suggestion :))))))

Andreas happy aano..? :)

mathew said...

Dear Amma,

I am doing fine. And thanks for dropping by my blog. ;-P
Pleased to inform that I already have a German wife and am planning to get into a relationship with a Slovakian lady who is mother of 9 smart kids…

Also please do proceed with the interviews and group discussions. Also note that the last question in the interview should be:-
‘How many grams of Puli should be used for 1 kilo of fish curry?’

You know as per family traditions we will stick to that age-old routine.


P.S. Amma do you know my any chance how to make eggplants, chocolate mousse and mousakka.. ;-P

Andreas has gone to carribeans..i don’t know whether he has gone alone though..;-P