Saturday, June 23, 2007

I wanna outsource my job..Daddy!!!

Inside air Temperature: 27 degree Celsius (the manager is absolutely cool)
Visibility: very good (the manager can easily find out if anyone is napping)
Wind speed: 10km/hr but blowing in the direction against the company
Ambience: Designer furniture, Branded apparels, sophisticated outlooks, flickering laptops, coffee mugs…

The manager looks tense and worried (thumping on the desk.. and desperately trying to look serious). “Deadlines, customer satisfaction and margins”.
The engineer feeling pity for him:”Sir. Don’t worry...our team wont let you down...we will make sure the codes are delivered on time”

Manager: ”…who is bothered about that ugly jugglery of bits and bytes... Am worried whether my wife gonna like the perfume I promised her... Dude!!..I can’t afford another one if she aint satisfied with this...”

The engineer’s look at him with a stupid smirk gratified about the Manager ji’s frustration over his wife’s smell good vibes….

Well family has to be kept out of professional life and the meeting begins soon…The manager who had recited this “Mantra of the holy managerial dialect” several times before began…

Our business model should be based on lean manufacturing with stress on cutting edge technology...”

Well sir...”

The confused code monkey raises his hand and tightens his tie “well sir..Which edge should we cut... sir?”

Beleaguered and fuming the big boss blurts out.. ”Some wise old man told long time back.. Silence is golden. .I would deeply appreciate that if you would take that old man’s words more seriously. Will you please??”

Turning to the presentation.. “Team!!we are in a critical stage. Our products will be driven by market synergies”

Mr.Muniappan..”eh..Sir..i think we should ask Vijayan to drive..He has been sitting idle for days”


Manager falls down and accidentally activates the fire alarm system.

As per the drill followed last week, the employees run towards the coffee machines and after grabbing a Latte walk down towards the lift. This mock drill will take 15 minutes, so better have coffee at the safe assembly point...

Disaster management coordinator arrives at the safe assembly point and declares that it was a fake alarm to the utter “surprise” for the thousands gathered there...All efforts to bring a sense of panic falls in vain.. Crowds yawn as he says that this time people came out in 33 seconds and hasn’t met to target of 31.5 seconds prescribed by the federal authority of fire control.
(Overheard: Only if he knew that there would have been a real panic attack if they blocked in office )

Several weeks later…

Another day to foster beliefs that the company is a fun place to work... we are celebrating valentines day!!!!..

Love is in the air”

....Declared the hostess who had come exquisitely coated or err in civilized ways decorated in a carton of cuticura powder and lipstick which more looked like the ketchup from the canteen..

(Overheard again…)Sniff sniff…really!! ...I get some kinda burnt smell actually…”

Hostess continues…

As per company policy we are celebrating this day to foster love between Java and foster love between Linux and Windows... all resource couples come forward and give each other a memory stick and make this day a memorable event..!!!!

The single baccha was having his “you just can’t stop eating Lays micro-chips” near the lawns and lookin seductively at the test engineer who was standing a few feet away...

He had never seen a bug free female in the local area network. After recharging his batteries and he started his RAM in full capacity and propelled towards the patch of grass.

But in between stood Virus Kumar who was in closer proximity. .

Baccha calls in his buddies Spyboot Joe and Norton Thomas. But they were not handy enough.. Virus mercilessly steals her away and our single baccha went looking for Linux and Unix who were gay pals...

Meanwhile the empire was facing problems from clients who overestimated statement like .net competency and 12 years industry experience..

Our legal advisors reasoned with them that .net competency just means that he is competent in typing dots at a rapid pace and he has been industriously drinking free coffee at office for past 12 years …(Smart lawyers we have!!)

So apun ka hero suddenly found that macros and stuff weren’t that cool. He calls up Dad and Mom who are in offshore... Btw they are handling the delivery of LIC bills and bug fixes at home..

Son:” tired of this s/w life..i want to do something original..something challenging
Dad over to Mom: ”hey think V1.1 of our child is outdated..time for a upgrade..”
Mom:”yeah..V1.2 has finished his computer engineering and can be deployed anytime soon..His acceptance testing is scheduled after his 8th semester..

Dad: ”V 1.1… well drop in a mail and place a official request in the recovery system for rollback..Please don’t forget that a hefty fine will be imposed on you since the shareholders (myself and wifey ) haven’t received the returns as expected..Please note that you have to wait till your brother V1.2 is deployed

indecipherable messages...x0124458bC running out of memory space...1024 bits..RAM..ROME..scarce....and then a weird silence...

V1.1 crashes in dismay..

The matrix still survives…

Life aint nice anymore for outdated people and well’s! ;-P!!!


InTeGeR said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
InTeGeR said...

Thanks for the suggestion of taking coffee along, next time there's a fire drill. Nice take on it.

Raising a toast of memory stick for this post. :)

fling said...

well! im outdated! already! sigh!

Keshi said...

I wanna outsource my life :)


How do we know said...

i LOVE my daily dose of wickedness .. and today's dose is credited to u!

silverine said...

lol!!! Good one, if I am reading it right, this was a nice way to describe an obvious situation without giving yourself away :p

That Fire Drill was priceless :))

Cuckoo said...

Ha Ha... I liked the legal advisor's reasons of .net competency.

I think I should also outsource now. :( *sigh*
Thanks for giving me some tips.

The Black King said...

All ye outsourcing hopefuls.. come and give me your works! Nothing feels better than to wonder why a certain policy did not give as much dividend as the software spec doc said! :P

Mishmash ! said...

:)))) Telecon between dad and son was quite hilarious...hope this did not happen in real life and just conveying this to ur readers through some metaphors :)) and 'Virus Kumar' ,heheheh :)))


Di said...

geekiest post ive read in a while!! :O techies! sigh!

silverine said...

Happy Birthday!! :)

mathew said...

oops...neways we do it 'n' no of times in all the SDB's.. ;-P

me too..u have company!! ;-p

dont do that!!!hehehe..thats heights!!

@how do we know
Lol!! graceful to be wicked at times!! ;-p

mathew said...

; u are scrutinizing a bit too much..hehehe..
btw fire drills are getting boring by the day..i wish we had helicopter reconnisance mission drills!!

well u know how funny this world is!! ;-P

@black king
hehehe..outsourcing is a terribly hated word out here!!

not long before it could really happen!!neways am getting a wee bit jealous seeing the latest recipies.. ;-P

well geeks rule the world!!high fives!!Lol!!

Thank you very much!! :-)

jack frost said...

“well sir..Which edge should we cut... sir?”

funny ..really.
sounds like u've described the entire s/w industry.

Keshi said...