Friday, April 15, 2011

The easy guide book for a mallu to become a dude!!

Several eons ago, fashionable people imitating Elvis Presley roamed the streets in a land called Kerala…Polka dotted shirts with designs that appeared like carbon covalent bonds and side burns that would have rendered contemporary shavers useless were sported generously by our older generation…. Though with a slight difference coz the malayalee Elvis was shorter and he was not Caucasian…That made Babumon rather an overweight Boney M with a moustache…

Circa 21st century….

The mallu aspiration that once made Babumon a Boney M and that made Mariamma chedathy a Marilyn Monroe is making a comeback…This time with a renewed vigor among the malayalee youth aiming to be the uber-alpha-metrosexual dude …Considering the entrepreneurs malayalees are, institutes have sprouted wide across the state which point to be noted, claim to be better than IIM’s….These institutes boasting a faculty having a dudeness oomph unheard of have instructional course designed for all categories of mallus…Pure 24 carat mallus to NRK’s to NRI’s….The institutes guarantee on successful completion of the course, the dude(previously mallu) can be proved mallu only if he is made to come near a plate of beef fry.

Hear what Eddie (previously Idiculla Thomas) who passed out in 2003 has to say…

“The Dude Institute has changed my life….There used to be a time in my life when I was so desperate to be a dude that it almost drove me to the verge of suicide... I am thankful to institute principal for giving me confidence to live again.”

Clara, a recent graduate gets emotional when asked...

“No….please don’t ask me about it…being a dudette was all I wanted to be…My ammachi is so proud of me now!!.” She replied wiping tears of her cheeks.

After a lot of deliberations the course director and renowned dude Tommy gave a brief insight about the high profile program…

Each participant on submitting the entire fees has to submit his/her passports and all kinds of identity information. The in-house agents would provide the candidate a complete new identity. Taking a stroll down the institute Tommy introduced us to some of his students…Chacko from Cheruplassery was now Chuck from Charlotte Town, Ousepachan from Idukki was now Bob from Idaho and it was not surprising to meet a Tracy from Panama city who apparently once was Thressiakutty from Pathamanathitta!

The resident English language instructor mentioned to us that trainees are punished severely for using malayalam phrases like… ente eeshoyeee...ente Velankanni maathaavei...bhagavathi...ente ammo…

While they are encouraged to use english exclamations like oops, ouch and schmuck liberally.

Another situation which dude has to be careful is when a dude meets another dude. This is especially important when you are meeting the other dude after a long time…Such dude-dude situations have to be handled with care. Sthalee ithu aaru...Machu kore naalu aayallo...aliyaa nee evide aayirunnu…are replaced with...yoo man…wassup….Such a pleasure to meet you…howdy man….

Besides the language a dude has to be surrounded by entirely new set of gadgets and stationeries and use new naming conventions…Trainess are encouraged to use the new names like...

  • Tuvaalaa >> tissues
  • Pants >> trousers
  • Kaapi >>> Cappuccino
  • Dosa >>> crepe
  • Puthappu >>> bedcover

The dude will not henceforth use the following products…

  • Lifebuoy soap
  • Godrej shaving box
  • Ummukiri
  • Blade

The dude is strictly restricted from having a mustache or a beard….Unless if it is of specific nature like a goatee….. The dude cannot have a hairstyle which has got a parting line… The dude cannot wear rubber chappals…The dude has to burn away all his lungis in a ritual which is done on the third month of the course…..A dude will have to make some major dietary changes…

The dude’s favorite dishes now include…Salad’s, low fat milk, the mandatory burger and pizza…

And the dude has definitely not heard any of these…

  • Cabbage thoran
  • Pulisseri
  • Parippu vada

The dude has to be extremely careful while mentioning his/her favorite books…The dude books are usually…

  • Ayn Rand
  • Dostoevsky

And a Dude definitely does not read..

  • Balarama
  • Malayala Manorama

By the sixth month the mallu has already transformed into a 80% dude. The remaining 20% is all about practice…The way you walk, the way you talk…

Put both your hands inside the jeans pocket while you walk..

Wear over-sized T shirts preferably with a picture of a black rap singer.

While walking, do it like you have a painful sore on one feet which moves to the other feet after a step.

If you follow the above methods you can reinvent yourself as a cool dude ….Our research have shown that we can transform themselves into highly sophisticated human dudes following the above procedure… On successful completion of the course, the dude would be given the honorary dude certification by the chairman of the dude board himself…The prestigious Salim Kumar dude scholarship would be awarded to the most outstanding dude of the batch in a glittering ceremony at the dude university..

If you find the dude course useful, kindly sponsor a desperate mallu so that he could become a dude as well…

Happy weekend to all dudes and dudette’s!! J


Ann said...

Ha,what a terrific narration from dude's institute..
Btw,this Dostoevsky option of books makes me rather doubtful.Is it mandatory ? just a doubt eh ?
And is there any mention of music and films ? Can they say 'adichu polichu','bhayankaram'when in making ?
Whatabout the yet to be dudes seeing a bunch of 'parotta'?
Or that is a part of 'practical' exams ?
Lol Mathew..
Have a superb weekend!

Nisha Alosious said...

Loved it!!!! you are back with Great Thunder!!!

Keep it proud of you!!!

Have a fun Easter break!!!!!

-Nisha ;)

Priya said...

I just cudn't stop laughing.

scorpiogenius said...

Back with a bang! Not a bit of touch lost :) said...

Enjoyedreading it keep writting
Babu Varghese

Bindu said...

Ha, the quintessential Mathew is back!!
ROFL, loved the walk with the painful sore on the feet :-)

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

hilarious! :-)

back with a vengeance, i see. so happy. you sparked up the blog sphere once again.

but u shake my confidence. i'm on the verge of starting a institute that'll bridge the chasm between mofussil kerala and the IT parks. shudder to think of how u'll slaughter it.

byw, how's india treating the dude?:-)

Ashwathy said...

Fantastic!!! Howlarious stuff :D :D welcome back dude!! Always a pleasure to have you back....

How do we know said...

hmmm... so dude.. when r u getting the royal boot?

LOVED the post.

Anonymous said...

I gt reminded of ur blog today at church when they were distributing plam leaves....
So I comeback home and check on it to see it updated !!!
Whatay a lovely coincidence...
Welcome back....

Happy Kitten said...


Let me repeat...glad to have you back!

mathew said...

hahaha..yes ofcoz it is..;)
I think its absolutely necessary to follow only hollywood a heavy heart I must say...change to pizza..;-P

thanks a lot..and also for the encouragement...have a beautiful easter too..

thanks a lot..:)

thanks a lot buddy!!:)

Thank you :)

;-P merci..:)

hahaha..i would love to read that..;-P enjoying being back here...there are lot of things which I missed in germany which am enjoying here..:)

thanks a lot :)

@How do we know
LOL!! yeah.. i havent got the admission yet. ;-P

Thats so feeling so glad to read this comment!!:)
and thanks for visiting the blog :)

@Happy Kitten
thanks a lot..:)

di said...

what a comeback! super hilarious as usual, -- di

Vaidegi J said...

though don't follow malayalam completely, could so relate to the conversations and the terms used!! :)

Subha said...

Ahhh..this is really funny..Very good narration....Dude

Usha said...

heehee.. salim kumar scholarship, i like! *grin like SK*

oh you missed out on dude's favorite moosik. Hard rock playing on his ipod 24X7. and he has to remember to do random headbanging to prove that he is of course dude material.

good to have you back, Mathew! :)

Neena Padayatty said...

Was reminded of an Akkarakazchakal episode where Girigiri learns to rap:D
Great to see you back!

Alexis said...

Hi Mats,
A a fantastic and hilarious post from you in a long time. Great stuff. I was ROFL while I was reading it. Wish you a happy Easter.

silverine said...

I dont think these instiutes will have much success without an in-house kappa, chakka, meen curry, beef fry and kallu de-addiction treatment facility :D

mathew said...

thank you.. :)

glad to know that it made sense to even non-malayalees..:)

hehe..thank you..:)

LOL!! i missed that part..that would be now added as part of advanced course material!!:)

hahaha..i still go and watch the eager to get my hands on the movie...

thanks a glad that you enjoyed it!:)

your comment kinda makes me think that the entire course might end up as a futile attempt! :-/

Pinktoothjourno said...

ROTFL!!!!!! glad to see this blog back to life,

Salim Kumar dude scholarship!



anN-series said...

D German Dude is BACK!!!! yay!!
like the description of the walk...btw doesnt the course curriculam also require the mallus to forget malayalam 'light' music and focus only on black artists or trance.. :P

Natasha said...

Nothing new to add: just like most of the other comments, really liked this post..most of ur posts an on-and-off follower of urs..been away from the blogosphere for quite some time..this one was the first one i read in ages :) looks like u too were on a break.

Priyankari said...

You did hit hard at it...Amazing sarcasm...It's really tiring to bear with such dudes and dudettes these days. So I loved every word of your post! :)