Friday, September 07, 2007

golmaal hai bhai sab golmaal hai…

Way back in 1992, I saw it for the first time in life .I don’t remember anything more than an animation of the human digestive system which the teacher was showing in that dabba screen. Understandably yours truly was over-awed by the occasion of having the darshan of a computer for the first time. Technology has come a long way since then and over the years I have kept pace with inventions that have bygone. Well most of the time my outlandish ideas out running the sluggish thinking of the techie inventors.

Google ever since they came up with “google earth” I was always tempted to call up Larry Page and ask for something more…I would love google to come up with 1mm resolution images, which could seep through the roofs of houses to my little dingy room. It will come in handy as I always forget where I keep my pack of toothpicks and I don’t have to search all over the house all the time… Rather i ll sit on the cozy couch and do a Google earth search and do a Eureka hip shake after I locate it. It will come in handy for misplaced or lost needles at home too coz Mom always says she can’t find where she kept her needles. Very useful especially in office that I can find when my Boss is just near the door and I can in a jiffy close the website and open some complex power point!!

Btw guess u all know Steve Jobs is one smart fella...Would be terrific to see him coming up with some iOpeners ideas like inventing iLashes for ladies or a touch screen iCar …These days he claim that iReland and iRaq belongs to him…exactly why iRish don’t see i to i with Steve. Well brainy chap he is that why they say he is an iCon. After I met him at iOwa, I had an iDea that I should have a quick brunch somewhere. I walked into the KFC counter and had an unhappy meal that reminded me of something else.

I want KFC and Mc-D to come up with French fries and chicken nuggets that help reduce weight. Just imagine if they come up with a secret formula for the KFC chicken that will help you loose weight. More Chicken nugget you eat...The more you loose weight…1 chicken nugget you lose 100 grams…and another one 200 grams. I get Goosebumps when I think of that. It ll be the invention of century. . You can start catching the chickens even before they hatch....woo!!…All scientists out here I am giving you free ideas!! ;-p

After that light lunch which made my pocket feather light I took the flight back home. The Kingfisher airline pilot was red-faced coz I reached the airport quite late. But I say there was too much red out there and with all the kingfisher planes parked together in the runway it looked like a red light area. They should recruit airhostesses who wear white saree’s, make them wear full white sleeve blouses serve kingfisher neem extract instead of the beer and play bhajan’s in the in-flight entertainment system. All these just for the heck of it…scandalous wouldn’t it!!

Talking of airplanes, nowadays we keep hearing about big aircrafts, which can carry 555 passengers... Only if they knew our airlines if given a chance could accommodate at least a thousand in a small turbo prop plane and our railways have been holding the Guinness records (most humans/goat/hens all in a single coach) for decades... And I have not seen any other organization with as much innovation as Indian railways. Would love to see a special train on the lines of “garib rath” where people can travel ticket less...This train will cater all the ticketless travelers in our country. The TT will be forcibly recruited hardcore criminals/terrorists from our jails and shoved in each compartment... Wow... And then the fun begins. Saves a lot of money and health for the Police too!!!…

Last week I saw an ESPRIT umbrella at an up market shop here...Never knew an umbrella was a fashion accessory until I saw that...My close friend who specializes in business espionage says, taking cue from the current brand craze Starbuck’s is going to introduce branded pappads. Eating Star buck pappads will be latest in thing in town, which will guarantee jealous glances from passerby’s…Ladies will drop on the knees seeing guys who could afford Starbuck’s pappads!! And Versace is coming out with retro-bindi’s starting 1000$ excluding tax and ear buds embossed with high quality Versace embroidery work... Our ‘Popy kudaas’ and ‘Haldiram’s’ should reinvent themselves as chic fashion statements. If ESPRIT can do it why cant Popy!!

Taking cue from investors in gulf and due to rising land prices I would love to see the land mafia back home to create islands like the ones near Dubai. But instead of shapes like palm trees I would like one for me shaped like an ‘arivaal…and one for my bro shaped like a ‘chuttikaaa…There will be a separate island accessible only by air to simulate Malayalees who can’t bear without going to Middle East. And to make them feel at home we will have a brand new “Kalady Duty free” shop at the airport…To give the authentic touch sheikhs will be invited once in a while and wearing sun glass (which in neutral Minglish is called a kooling glass) made compulsory in this district...

And the last request of all. Why don’t all the people in the world decide...Say..Okay let’s slow down a bit. Why are we competing hard against each other? Let’s have a 4-day weekend. And the whole world will work only for 2 days henceforth…well who is in a hurry man…;-P

P.S Folks who are severely malnutrioned after Silverine's miracle diet.please help yourself with a calorie boost from the chef's kitchen..


ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

Hell yeah.. I've never heard of cooling glasses outside of kerala.
Good one, boy!

Unknown said...

Awesome post...just loved the idea of 4 day weekend..wish that was possible...

J said...

You are funny! Starbucks pappadams and arivaal shaped islands had me in splits! Wonder why cooling glass sporting ungles and andies in the gelf don't sport red flags are fashion accessories!

alakananda said...

would love to shop at the 'kalady duty free'. loved the 4 day weekend even more. they should make you CEO. and i amm all for those weight reducing nuggets too. way to go. :)

Aparna said...

"More Chicken nugget you eat...The more you loose weight…1 chicken nugget you lose 100 grams…and another one 200 grams" lol.. loved that idea...

good post.

silverine said...

Mathew for President!!!! :)

Adorable Pancreas said...

I absolutely loved this post.
I used to think everything should come with a SIM card so we can give a 'missed call' and find out where it is, but yours is a better idea.
To echo silverine, Mathew for president!

Venkatesh A.R. said...

Three cheers to Mathew!!!
Boy, you would straight win a clear majority in parliment for your ideas..!!

Unknown said...

I'm almost sailing to your Byzantium :)

Priyanka said...

Hhahahah! Loved the post!

Keshi said...

I like ESPRIT.


Cuckoo said...

Ha Ha...
Chicken nugget you eat...The more you loose weight… lolz

4 days weekend is a good idea.

Good post.

The Black King said...

Oh those weight-losing chicken nuggets seem ultra-delicious!! Please mention them on the blog when they come up!

mathew said...

@Toothless wonder
Yeah..we are the trendsetters maan!!;-P

@Somya game for it too..

Thanks..yeah I guess it might soon be a fashion.. ;-P

Hahaha..thanks..i think we already have 4 day weekend back home if you count the bandh and hartals..

Well.I wish someone invents that fast..

hehehe.. ;-P
You are in ministry of finance and diet control..wookay!!

@Adorable pancreas
Wow..thats a good idea..will sure implement that once am the president..!! ;-P

Hahaha…never knew my ideas are likeable for all..

@Toothless wink
Lol…no tax in my empire..!!

@Well heeled
Thanks .. :-)

Oh yeah..they are good… esp if someone else buys it for you. ;-P


@Black King
Hehehe..yeah I ll be richest man in the world once I get the formula..;-P

Lucy Dee said...

That Steve Job paragraph had me rolling on the floor! (I thought I was supposed to be making people laugh! You're having me now question my career choice.)

Anyway, I thought I'd drop a line. I'm a standup comedienne from NYC blogging her way to stardom.

I would love it if you stopped by my corner of the blogosphere and dropped an insightful comment. (Because I know you have it in you!) Hope to hear from you soon!

Once again, nice coming across your blog! You have some nice digs, here!!

Quest For Comedic Stardom

Abhi said...

Best idea in the post "Arivaal Shaped island" and "kalady duty free". I dnt understand why the commie ungles who went for all the gelf study tours didn't try to replicate this in Kerala. If they could dream to do a EXPRESS HIGHWAY with fences on each side and skybus for Kochi why didn't they think of this Mathacha?

Alexis said...

Mathew that was a rollicking post. Laughed my hearts out. iRaq, iRish, simply superb.

And for the weight reducing chicken nuggets, you must patent the iDea!!!
May be you can name it iChicken (iChick for short) and have a slogan "with iChicken iCan"...

Rejil Krishnan said...

Vivid in my memory is the B&W monitor, cicy madam and the digestive system... thou the computer nvr evoked my interest ....and remains ignored still... i jus njoyed tht piece of writing.. begun on a serious note, lacing humor to the blog..and landing perfectly ..yes the kingfishers need to be gvn a different attire.. :-)
& a piece of info.... the island u had been spking abt is already there in cochin... BUT only 1 in number...The wellington island.. This is a man-made island created from earth dredged, while deepening the Kochi Port.Lord Bristow was the architect of this island....but didn't plan it in an ARIVAAAAAL shape...:-)

Neer said...

i hate chicken nuggets... reminds me of pakodas... which i hated! anyways... you have your way with humour! :)

KiKS said...

I'm outta words, bro... Words like awesome, superb..etc are just cliches for describing ur post... Anyways, I should say, it's pure KICK-@$$ stuff !!!

BTW, I think even Mr. Jobs is gonna get ROTFLHAO seeing ur take on his iNterests... ;-)

PS: What next, Vintage-series Lungis from Levi Strauss???

Anonymous said...

ur post reminded me of this pic!!

btw..have u checked out the new ipod nano's..they are so cool!

mathew said...

Thanks for dropping by this place..
first time a professional stand up comedienne in my blog..;-P
next time i hope to get lucky with Russell Peters!!;-P

man..only if that expressway and vizhinjam port came would do wonders for the state..

well I need to patent that..

ha..orkunnu ondo athu..
and we used to look at it with such awe..;-P

thanks for the info..never knew that..

:-O for first time in human history someone said that.. ;-P

thanks a lot..
oh yeah retro lungies wont be such a bad idea after all. ;-P

Lol!!so true that snap says..never when know when it is actually gonna happen..

havent checked that money is on iphone..;-P

Keshi said...

weight-losing chicken nuggets? r u for real Matty! :)


Anphy said...

How often do u get these brainwaves??

Mishmash ! said...

Enjoyed everything from searching for your packs of toothpicks to MC-D ads. :)

pinne..Steve Jobs...well, I should say there is a small fan club out here for him...engane okke ezhuthumbo sookshikkanam :P :))