Monday, August 27, 2007

The Salmankhan redemption…

They sentenced me for no wrong I did it. Killing a black buck. I swear, I dint do it. I was aiming at the endangered Asian tiger and that dumb black buck just crossed my aim…Your honor I don’t deserve this sentence. You know??...I am now shooting for the World Wildlife Fund(WWF) sponsored movie...”Bucks that pays” and another one with Sanju bhai “Prison stories

I was taken to the jail from the court in an old Jonga jeep... probably as old as one I used to travel with my bhai friends…Once I come out I’ll donate my Pajero for the Jodhpur DCP...He has promised me good food from home...

Met the prison warden for the first time at the jail reception portico. A thin spooky guy with a torso just as big as my biceps…He showered me into his room and said...

“I believe in two things - discipline and the Bible. Here you'll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord. Your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Jodhpur Central jail..”

Nice chap…I told him it was not from any of my movies. But with a quick jerk he bought me down...And I learned the hard way he was not my fan! :-(

I met many guys there. A familiar face in there too…Khalnayak…my beloved Khalnayak too…We hugged each other and sat down to discuss our future projects. But the evil warden pushed us to the granite quarry to break the stones. I was happy about it..I was missing my imported gym equipments and now I could at least work out the crude way..But working in the quarry is not as cool as dancing with the babes in Goa..But neways Sanju bhai gave me a ‘jaadhu ki jhappi’ and then I was fine...

Later in the evening during our evening tea break...I began pondering about Sanju bhai..

He's just institutionalized...The man's been in here fifteen years, Hey
ram, fifteen years. This is all he knows..these walls are funny. First you hate
'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, it gets so you depend on 'em.
That's 'institutionalized'...They send you here for life and that's exactly what
they take, the part that counts anyway.

Nowaday we don’t get to hear any sucks big time out we keep singing our favourite song “Another brick in the wall”..But Sanju gets angry fast coz he doesn’t like the bricks in the prison wall..

While serving onion pakodas for the jail intern I overheard this conversation..

Reviewer: You feel you've been rehabilitated?
Sanju: Oh, yes sir.
Absolutely, sir. Yeah, I've learned my lesson. I can honestly say that I'm a
changed man. I'm no longer a danger to society. That's the God's honest truth

Poor guy how many times they asked him this..

Meanwhile I had a mission of my own. I arranged a friend of mine to get me a poster. When I ask something from Vivek Octroi...He just gives it. No pretension. .I asked for a Katrina poster and the dumber gave me an 'Ash' glamsham poster…grr…

How could I ever doubt his insincerity...

Well no one knew why I asked for the poster which I hung inside my cell..

*5 years later…*

Jodhpur central jail warden Thakur sahib conversing with constable bholaram..

..Lord! It's a miracle! Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind. Nothin'
left but some damn rocks on the window sill and that cupcake on the wall. [He
gestures toward the poster of Aishwarya Rai hanging on the cell wall.] Let's ask
her. Maybe she knows. What say there, fussy-britches. Feel like talkin'? Oh,
guess not. Why should she be any different? This is a conspiracy. That's what
this is. It's one big damn conspiracy. And everyone's in on it. Including

Later taken from Sanju’s prison diary..

Salman crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit-smelling foulness I can't even imagine. Or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards. That's the length of five Amitabh Bachchan’s, just shy of half a mile..

P.S Any hate mail from ladies for de-glorifying Khan Uncle will go to junk mail!! ;-P

P.P.S..Onam greetings to all…I got invited by a malayalee family out I too have my share of Onam sadhya..woohooh!!!


Rebelzz said...

Salman crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit-smelling foulness I can't even imagine. Or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards. That's the length of five Amitabh Bachchan’s, just shy of half a mile..

Ok, tis was funny!!!

Anonymous said...

LOL! It was HILARIOUS! Awesome imagination....loved it!

silverine said...

"Salmankhan Redemption" LOL!!!

grrr how dare insult one of my favorite movies!!!And how dare you compare Andy Dufresne to Salman!! You should be locked up in a sound proof room with Himesh for the rest of your life!!


Abhi said...

I completely agree with Silverine's comment saying its unfair to compare Andy Dufresne to Salman. Andy atleast had the dignity to accept the sentence thrust upon him. This dude doesn't even show up in the court!

Also i feel Ash is nowhere near Rita Hayworth. Loved the last part the 1 with " Five hundred yards. That's the length of five Amitabh Bachchan’s, just shy of half a mile.. "

This was a good onam gift. Hope the family that gave u the dinner loved these type of remarks and gave u extra payasam!

Seema said...

LOL that was so criminal on SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION one of the finest movies...
Enjoyed reading the humourous post...
Hmmm..but wherez our judiciary going i wonder...Mr. Alister Peirera driving drunk killing 6 human beings done with a 6 months thingie....
Wishing you a very happy onasadhya :)

Aparna said...

lol! wonderful story... never thot such a nice mov like the shawshank redemption could be re-written in such a funny way...

but like others said, salman and dufresne, bad comparison!

Mishmash ! said...

Mathew's sarcastic version of S'shank Redemption and Escape from Alcatraz, with an Indian scenario!! I think you were too excited to get that sadya invite from ur friends there, which resulted in such a funny post :D Btw, those re two of my fav movies but I liked ur Bollywood version too :) Only you can make it funny like this !

P.S Btw, I am so happy to hear that you could enjoy ona-sadya:)

Anonymous said...

Although you raped my favourite movie, i am laughing my ass off! btw the brick in the wall is a classic :)

Dhanya said...

ROFL.. Nice post :)
Happy Onam to u.. Enjoy :)

mathew said...


thanks.. :-)

It my fav movie too..but then couldn’t help notice the similarity..
Btw considering the third degree punishment you have imposed I rather prefer the guillotine.. ;-P

Oh yeah…thank god..i was expecting brickbats for demeaning Khan…yeah btw Andy Du-fresne was spectacular in the movie..btw happy onam to you too..

*Wicked grin*

As the old saying goes…Law is meant to be broken as per our system..Sadly…
Wish you a terrific onam too..

thanks.. :-)

Thanks… :-)
Oh was great Sadya..but we dint have plantain leaves..and quite funny sight to see few Germans in mundu and trying out eating using bare hands..

thanks.. :-)

Thanks..and wish you the same..

@Still searching
Oh am gratified ..finally found one anti-sallu girl.. :-)

Annu said...

hiiii....... i just copied out all your blogs to read them at leisure & also to save money... net is so costly here ha ha ha... will comment after reading them......

Alexis said...

Great post...Nice story telling...

Mathew you are in the wrong profession. You should writing.

And the title of the post...ROTFL.

Keshi said...

I hate Slman Khan ewwww!

LOL this was a very clever post! Smart humor.


Neer said...

have a knack for comedy, you do! :)

indianadoc said...

'Funny guy!'your Jodhpur Redemption is awesome...Kuruttu budhiyil udikkunna oro budhiye... :) Appo Onam usharayirunnu...Kanam vikkathey(osinu) Onam undu alley!!

amna said...

hahaha.. i am not particularly fond of these playboys, spoilt khans and dutts.

good post :)

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

hehe .. Shawshank .. oops Salman redemption it is :))

happy onam !

mathew said...

@Anu chechi
Thanks..pinee the characters in the blog has no resemblance to anyone dead or alive..esp in our family!! ;-P

Ayyo..angane parayelle..I might just fall for it.. ;-p
Considering that I don’t particular like my current job..

*utter disbelief* ;-P

Thanks.. ;-)

Nice to see you doc chechi..athe onam was great..but never as good as back home..

Am glad to hear this from more people…thanks..

Btw belated onam greeting to you..