Shopper Stumped!

Warning: this post is laced in malayalam……


Each one of us has memorable shopping experiences….Even I have a few of em which I wont for-get…Would love to share a few of em…


Several years ago, guess in mid-school times… i was send to a poultry shop to buy chicken…
This is the conversation that followed……..

Me: "Oru kilo chicken chetta"
Butcher (in a hurried tone): "Halal??"
Me :"alla...chicken"
Butcher (with slightly louder voice than before):"Halal aano ennu?"
Me (trying to be convincing):"alla chetta…chicken ee...ee Kozhi ille?..."

And the sight of his sharp vettukathi did not elicit further questions or answers from me....

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Few weeks ago when I was on a call home, Mom mentioned an incident which happened to her during a visit to a grocery shop….

Mom: “Theeyal paste* ondo?”
Shopkeeper (trying to be salesman) : “ayyo illa…Pepsodentoo colgateoo aanengil ondu…”

I think Amma did not laugh out loud though am not sure if I could bear not to!!

*you get it readymade like Puliyogare.

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Another incident happened in final year of college…We often had parties hosted when friends got placed in various companies…and we often hit upon the best restaurants in town…And since I was not used to frequenting the better off restaurants back then, I used this opportunity to explore the most expensive of dishes…and due to circumstance not known ‘someone’ asked the waiter

‘Someone’: “Chetta…brochure theraamo”
Waiter: “Brochureooooooo!!!!”

It never clicked ‘someone’s’ mind to ask for the Menu!!

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There are couple of incidents which are attributed to friends who are “Hindi challenged.”

Someone checking into a grocery shop in Hyderabad to buy a kilo of dal…
“aada ghanta daal kitna??"

Another fella who has a historic tendency to confuse between ‘kya’ and ‘kaun’...

At a restaurant in Bangalore after summoning the waiter…
S: “Bhai…khaanei keliya kaun kaun hein”

The same guy again in another hotel:-

S: “Chicken soup hein?”
Waiter: “haan”
S: “Aur kaun hein?”

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This happened in Germany…’someone’ goes to a bakerie and asks for Franzbrotchen (kind of crois-sant)...In order to try his german as much as possible this ‘someone’ started of conversation in rudi-mentary german…He knew that ‘einmal’ in german meant, one or one more…

‘Someone’: ‘Einmal kafee und einmal franzbrotchen...Zum mit nehmen bitte’
: ’One coffee and one croissant…take away please…’
shop attender:’Alles...’
: ’that’s all?’

Everything fine until here. That’s when ‘someone’ tried interpretational language learning…Instead of saying a simple ‘Ja’ (yes) to end the conversation, he said.. ‘Nochmal’

So a typical german might ask why you said that…coz the logic worked like this...
’Zweimal means ‘two more’…..therefore Nochmal must be meaning ‘No more’’…though actually Nochmal means ‘One more’...So this is what ensued…

Shop attender:’Alles...’
: ’that’s all?’
Someone (very happy to try his interpreted german): ‘Nochmal’
Shop attender: ‘Franzbrotchen?’
Someone (so happy to get the chance to use the word again): ‘ja…Nochmal’

The lady goes inside and gets one more Franzbrotchen…Noticing this, ‘someone’ shouts from a distance a bit louder…

‘Nochmal….Nochmal!!!!!’

The lady goes inside again…and gets ‘someone’ the third Franzbrotchen…

That day for dinner...this ‘someone’ had to finish three Franzbrotchen and a new word to learn!!



Listening to Nena.

Piano..Yann Tiersen

Quo Vadis?

In the wee hours of a wintry Sunday morning I woke up to the sound of rattling windows in my insipid little home and wore the specs to clear the haze that blurred my dreary eyes ...The mist was already in the air and nature was making exotic mosaics of its own on the tinsel glass panes...The dew drops then fell, washing away what was so beautiful just a few minutes back...like nature was never satisfied with its own creation....And then I started walking, inspite of the cold which was accentuated by the chilly zephyr ..

Few steps down the cobblestoned path and stretching my hands as if to grab an invisible bottle of elixir floating somewhere, I could breathe fresh air flavored with a tinge of aroma from the nearby spring flowers...... A sniff of which sub-consciously brought a smile along, as I walked towards the river side.

The moon was not perfect round nor a flawless crescent but still glorious in the bland mackerel sky, threatened by the sun flaunting its gleam and playfully blending into the blue with shades of scarlet…As if taking a cue the birds began their ballet in the sky, gliding tranquilly and placidly with an occasional scoop down to the river and splashing their feathers leaving a fine mist dangling in the streams of sunlight.

As I kept walking along the river bed which was spotless ivory and cushioned wet, I could see in the distance a man and his dog playing. Not sure who was happier when I saw the dog jump in air and retrieve the flying saucer ,every time the man threw it away...If then someone said dogs couldn’t smile, I would have disagreed.

Running further along I saw signs of the city waking up… children boisterously laughing hands over shoulders …a beautiful woman reading a novel in the bus…someone was playing Wagner’s music in the bistro….From the distance I could hear the first sirens of the ships moving in the harbor … pushing tiny waves kissing my feet…

I stood for a moment …looking at the retreating waves.

The retreating waves...

Five years ago on a pleasant summer day I was where I stood now, listening to her jokes. She would say silly things which I wondered were philosophical puzzles…Watching the wave’s retreat she would liken it to a love lost woman who would go back to the water after a fling with the shore…only to come back again.

She had a smile on her face... always….But when she talked about her story the mask was hard to keep. The pursuits of happiness and to be loved had taken her places…Her guy was a man of exquisite tastes, refinement and a natural charmer. His witty remarks would make any party in town lively. And she saw perfectness in her world…a utopian perfection.

When such a perfect crystal cracked it left a lot of mess …She realized the complete man was a work of art made of clay…it changed shape as days went by and so did she…They tried to hide the cracks in pursuit of making it work. Petty fights, ego clashes, reconciliation a vicious circle of which two souls badly wanted to come out…and they did come out…He left the city to start afresh…She stayed back…broken free but still dizzy…and empty.

And one day, she said she wanted to know where the retreating waves go…I laughed at the idiotic question of hers. Sometimes it’s hard to elicit from a person so mystic…because two days later when I saw in the papers, I understood that was not a joke!!

And now, standing at the same place I watched the wave’s retreat…picturing the four footprints that used to be there few years ago...I wondered if she had come for a walk that morning and brought an empty canvas and acrylic...to paint her life all over again.

Today, with trivial thoughts and flimsy dreams I walk back in oblivion with only myself to accompany...

.

.

P.S. In an old post of mine..I had mentioned that i wished to hold the paint brush again...though 4 years of not having done is obvious...I am glad I did..

acrylic on paper.

FOLLOW ME!!!*

“Fellow country man…the time has come…the time has come for CHANGE....together WE CAN!”
...announced Pappu Yadav during the election rally..

Taking the cue his personal hedge fund manager made some well placed calls and got change in crisp 100 rupee notes from his stashed up Swiss bank accounts. According to Hero No 1,there are plenty of takers as its customary during holi time to bring CHANGE to the masses.

Meanwhile christians in Mangalore can finally observe the Holy week after convincing sena loks that its actually Holi week and confirming to the sacred book of Indian culture!! A generous Muthalik has agreed to a public holiday on Easter to emphasize that he is not anti-western as stereotyped… Danke schon bro!!

Election campaign is on full swing elsewhere…

Reporter: “Sir…what do you say about the campaign promises made during the last election”
Politician: “dekho…I promised to eradicate obesity related deaths in my constituency and I have kept my promise”
Reporter: “It’s true sir… People now die only of malnutrition or suicide”
Politician: “Well!! I kept my promises...isn’t?”
Reporter: “Sir…Could you please tell us the work you have done for you consistency in the last 5 years”
Politician:”Well...I have made my consistency pollution free…and the transport system has been improved to be environment friendly…we are a responsible people you know!”
Reporter: “But sir…There is not a single industry that has come up in your town and the train you promised never came!!”
Politician: “That’s exactly the point…”

Another reporter reports from Andhra Pradesh.
Election commission taking note of excessive spending orders Shakeela to keep things to bare minimum. Fans confused.

In Karnataka, IT minister’s confirms his statement about industry being in the pink of health was a slip of the tongue. Employees still confused.

A regional party in Kerala splits into five different factions. The erstwhile party president who suffers from split personality syndrome is not sure which faction he belongs to. Party workers confused.

The new manifesto from the left declares ambitious plans to land man in Utopia. Protests from ISRO scientist drowned in widespread cheering from cadres.

BSP manifesto mentions a Mayawati theme park in Guruvayoor.

Other news
Fevicol had recently announced that they will use the “third front” as their new brand ambassador...Unfortunately the plans are shelved as many of the pieces did not arrive in time for the shoot.

NGO from Pakistan arrives in India to study the election process. On the way back talking to the press they express satisfaction in understanding the working as presented by election commissioner except for two unfamiliar words...Free and Fair….They say its usual Few and Rare in their country!

News from abroad
Italian prime minister has extended an olive branch to the Greek president to end long standing hostilities...But new controversy opens when the president was caught on camera giving it to the presidential cook ..


Zardari, Nawaz Sharif and Musharaf were flying together. Zardari wanted the plane to land in Islamadabad…Sharif wanted to land in Lahore and Musharaf wanted to fly all the way till Karachi air force base…All three called up the pilot over the intercom… The pilot comes out, removes his mask and asks where is the nearest American embassy…Osama doesn’t like landing on airstrips he shouts! And there was silence.

Election masala news ends here…But I think there is some new fella coming up in Delhi who keeps us entertained every other day.. Thank you for listening and as Azharuddin might now say I am in it just to make a ‘silly point’!

*HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY (thats how we call grandma) her snap in orkut says.."who said that 8 & 1 is 81; I'm just 18 "*

*Used to be a signature line by a friend in college.

Who moved my beer!!

‘Five’…uh…
‘Six’…uh…
Saa…saa…’Seven’…uhhh…

*THUD*

“Kadavuleeei………”

And then there was silence.

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Folks interested in geography might be aware how they describe the rocky mountains….or marine lovers might know how the experts describe blue whales, huge...enormous…colossal …massive….etc…. those are adjectives which very well could apply to what I witnessed that morning as well!

A human specimen lying flat on the ground with limbs spread apart like the vitruvian man, looking hardly aesthetic and visibly short of breath…And what I described earlier would be the vast expanse of his tummy which was effectively blocking the sun outside and forcing me to put on the lights to understand the full gravity of the situation...GRAVITY, I understood very well indeed when I attempted to get him on his feet! I must tell you friends, there are times in your life when you wish you had a JCB at home.

But I knew this situation did not warrant a 911 call coz this was not the first time me witnessing such a fall…Almost all my previous roomies who were tying the knot soon, did this ritual a few months before marriage…A ritual unknown to most woman, where men indulge in this unimaginable brutal and banal practice called “PUSH-UP’s”!! Along with other practices like pull up’s, crunches and lifting weight’s they encompass a wide array of torture practices .. And all these just for looking good at the wedding. Let me tell you Mr. Van Damme these pagan customs which you follow are widely looked at with contempt in the intellectual circles…Our idea of a completely relaxed afternoon nap are often broken by your folks who completely disregard our constitutional right not to look like underwear models. Yeah...but this was a case where my poor roomie was trying to change the contours of his big fat stomach which if painted carefully can pass of as a prop for earth in any sci-fi movie.

I am not a shrink but it’s easy to predict how this change happens in men as soon as they get engaged. ..If someone here still remember biology, it’s like that transformation from a larva to a pupa and then hoping to be a butterfly just in time for the marriage. And this sucks coz you are living with it when it’s in the Pupa stage. A stage where it suddenly realizes the need for healthy food.

It actually begins when you realize that the person is not now particularly interested in the nutella, burgers or crispy fried chicken legs and instead starts developing a taste for raw cabbages, carrots, egg whites and olive oil…Remember dude, there used to be a time when you bought a bean bag when I asked you to buy beans from the nearby shop… and once you bought fat free pizza’s coz you thought they were giving it free of cost.. The beer which you once described as God’s own drink is now a member of ‘axis of evil’ and replaced by sugar-free, calorie-free grapefruit juice which once your atheist friend tried and blurted...’Dear God!!’. Even those rasgulla’s from my Kolkota friend, Chandler Bong who by the way is a huge fan of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, was not given the respect it deserved. I was getting really irritated with infringement of my food rights and immediately protested by making butter chicken for five consecutive days!!

Apart from this unfortunate transformation in food habits the person starts asking us questions which you find awkward answering to…..”What do you think…Is this hair style good or this one better…?? ” . And he was bald...
Some questions are even harder to answer like when he asked the other day while prancing in front of the mirror “Don’t you think I lost weight?”. I am quite sure if he lost atleast one percent of his weight, Air India would turn profitable after years of losses attributed to this frequent flier… It has to be understood that by unwritten men’s law you DON’T ask other men such questions!! But it’s okay if you ask the question like... “I weigh 70 kilos now, yesterday I weighed 73…Does it mean a reduction of three kilos? “ The important thumb rule is not to use the taboo word “think?”!! Coz we hate to do that...

As you see these guys start behaving odd in ‘engaged’ mode…For someone whose visit to a book shop is as frequent as a clever remark attributed to me, last week he bought 3 books on “Secrets of successful marriages” , though I was glad to tell him that it was no secret that 2 of the authors are now successfully divorced. Thankfully he stopped reading the books but that was like a little ‘hope-toast’ tossed at me because it often happens that some engaged men prematurely start behaving like married men. They find hard to laugh at silly jokes if I go by what their face says...”That-was-funny-but-I-wont-LOL-coz-I am-engaged!”. You ll suddenly start noticing how hard they try to act all refined!!

Mankind should understand that one of the things which universally all single men love is chaos…For e.g. I get irritated if I can’t find my shoes inside the microwave oven every time I am searching for it…and some guys do have this medical condition where they become dizzy if they come across a fresh pair of ironed and folded jeans.. Last week one of my friend’s being the antique collector he is, fainted when his ‘engaged’ roomie threw away a 7 day old pizza!!.

The order in life can make us feel uneasy. And women complain that they sacrifice a lot in a marriage…Just remember dear ladies, that there are ex-roomies who suffer ….a lot more ……..especially when they live with men who are in Pupa!!


Have a nice weekend.

P.S. This is kinda gross..watch with parental supervision..

Quirk Quirk!! Who is there?

Quirks...hmm...that was the tag from my bloggie friend Usha who as I see is quirky enough as per World Quirk Standards! ;-D

Rules of the tag:

1. Link the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs, letting them know that they have been tagged


1) Punctuality hysterics
You would rarely see me running for a meeting or a place coz I am kind of obsessed about not being late…Therefore, I happen to reach the airport or bus stops well before time almost always. I guess this obsession was there always as I remember being adamant reaching a theater well in time for a show or reaching the railway station early enough to get the side seat!! Surprisingly my brother and most of my friends are exactly opposite.

Infact I keep my mobile like 5 minutes fast for that psychological allowance.…Strangely the fact that I don’t sport a watch might be antithesis of this quirk, but I put enough buffer wherever I go that I don’t really need one…One of the rare things that irritate me are the breed of people who don’t care a damn about other’s time…But I guess, I have now accepted that there no point in being fussy abt it. This quirk causes awkward situations like am often the first visitor if someone is hosting a party putting me in a spot if I don’t know the host well enough.

2) foodaholic
I don’t believe in the motto eat to live…;-P
I have huge respect for people who make spectacular food and love to read anything about food…Thankfully I am not gaining weight in proportion to my appreciation of the same!!;-)

I used to be a spicy food buff and was often stared down when I used to comment on really hot food that it was not spicy enough…At home I used to be the official fish curry certifier and often the answer was chilly is less…
But for the past few years it seems like I don’t have the same spice power probably since I am eating much milder continental meals in office …

It is always great to have foodaholic friends too since I remember umpteen restaurant visits with a friend and often we used to sit in a table for four coz the regular table for two was too small for our palette!!;-D

Another food related quirk would be my obsession to have tea or coffee really warm... …Infact I came to know that it was like that since a long time when grandmother told me that they had to give me the feeding bottle wrapped in a towel coz the milk would be too warm for me too hold!


3) I am afraid of adventure rides
Call me for a mountain hike or a fishing expedition I am game…..But I am quite afraid of roller coaster rides, bungee jumping....or any ride that has rapid acceleration. ..I have once had a “forced” roller coaster ride which left me screaming “Karthaavei” to the whole of Hamburg and an even more interesting ride in Salzburg saltmines which actually was more exciting…You actually slide sitting down without any protection for some 30 meters at like 75-80 degrees...

It will be hard to get me on such rides again…Infact 2 years ago when I had been to Disneyland I was like a opera fan attending a rock concert!! Though I loved the Disney Studios!! ;-D

4) Coffee addict
I drink like 3-4 cups of coffee in a day… I prefer to drink it black and without sugar…Coffee fascination runs in over family esp. with relations from Mom’s side…There is always a flask of black coffee on the table for all uncle’s to have their occasional sip… But I have started drinking more coffee since coming to Germany coz my colleagues are even bigger addicts…I have even got a nickname “Default Coffeeman” coz whenever they cook coffee they don’t check if I need as my answer by default is always “YES”!! Talking of coffee though am not fuzzy about food in general, one thing I cannot stand is paada (floating cream??) in tea or coffee…yuck!!


5) Extensive Wiki/Google user
Probably a quirk that developed over last few years…It’s an irritating quest to know more about things I don’t know using wikipedia and read all material which I can get hold off…It would date back to college days when it was newspapers that I used to read religiously…So when I spread knowledge it often lead to comments from friends like “Oh…ravule Hindu vil vannu kaanum!!”

Another quirk courtesy internet is my habit of taking pics from google maps to find route and store them in mobiles if I am visiting some place. Something that has become a habit here since I don’t want to end up lost or end up asking someone for directions…I even store the bus timings in my mobile..

6) Fascination for Jewish History
Something which started after I watched Schindler’s list….
And over the time I watched more movies…read articles and books like “The diary of Anne Frank”…There is a deep feeling of sympathy I have for Jews even though some of their current policies are not justifiable...Its just those first impressions that has stuck with me and being in Germany I have visited few memorials to pay homage….I hope to visit Auschwitz one day too ...Somehow I feel guilty for no fault of mine about the sufferings they had..


That pretty lot of quirks on me…I would like to pass on the tag to anyone who would like to take it up…

P.S. Enjoy this wonderful song as its Carnival time here...;-D
have a nice weekend..

Marielle

John was very happy today… His birthday was always celebrated with lot of fun and gait...When he throws a party, people come in large numbers…colleagues...friends….acquaintances...and this time it was not going to be different either.

His wife took great care in getting the house ready days before the guests would start pouring in. John made sure that there was plenty of beer and wine stocked in.

Marielle woke up earlier than usual and she was excited too... She wanted to wish daddy before anyone did and she had other plans too…something which she never did before…to give John a birthday gift.

In the wee morning hours armed with a spade and stuff from the attic she went to the backyard and set off to work for something she dreamed long ago…this winter was perfect, she thought.

Meanwhile John and Susan worked in the kitchen making cookies, cakes and other delightful delicacies…they did not want to disappoint guests for they were legendary party hosts.

Marielle was tired after a tough time at the backyard…lifting heavy spades twice her size was no child’s play…but she was happy and proud because it was for someone special.…
Back at home, she ran towards him and with a broad smile on her face she said... “Happy Birthday Daddy” and pecked a kiss on his cheek…

“I love you daddy”
“I love you too...Marielle…Now get ready and put the best dress you have...you know lots of people are coming”
“Daddy...I have a gift for you…Would you come with me outside”

John was busy baking the cookies and he told her that he would check it later….Marielle was sad.

By afternoon the first guests arrived….His boss had come too and John was taking extra care to give the best piece of steak to that wiry old man…Promotions were round the corner…Susan was showing her colleagues the beautiful paintings she had done….There was lot of fun in the party and the mood was jovial…John smiled to Susan in approval…

As the dusk set in and when the last guests had left, Marielle went to John. She was tear eyed and her cheeks swollen red…

“Daddy…..I lost my gift for you”

And she hugged her dad and said she was sorry for that….John told her it was Okay. Susan pulled her back and took her to bed…It was sleep time for Marielle…

After cleaning up the house John went to the backyard to throw away the party junk…And there he saw his old shawl…his old jacket…a hat….and a picture of Marielle hugging him...That’s when it stuck the wonderful gift his daughter had made…A snowman .

A snowman just like daddy….and now what left was his old stuff lying on ground scattered amidst melted snow and dirt…Sometimes it is too late to see the gift someone has for you..

John guilt struck told Susan that night…

“I hope one day…I ll be able to love someone as she loves me….”

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!