Who moved my beer!!

‘Five’…uh…
‘Six’…uh…
Saa…saa…’Seven’…uhhh…

*THUD*

“Kadavuleeei………”

And then there was silence.

****************************************************************************+

Folks interested in geography might be aware how they describe the rocky mountains….or marine lovers might know how the experts describe blue whales, huge...enormous…colossal …massive….etc…. those are adjectives which very well could apply to what I witnessed that morning as well!

A human specimen lying flat on the ground with limbs spread apart like the vitruvian man, looking hardly aesthetic and visibly short of breath…And what I described earlier would be the vast expanse of his tummy which was effectively blocking the sun outside and forcing me to put on the lights to understand the full gravity of the situation...GRAVITY, I understood very well indeed when I attempted to get him on his feet! I must tell you friends, there are times in your life when you wish you had a JCB at home.

But I knew this situation did not warrant a 911 call coz this was not the first time me witnessing such a fall…Almost all my previous roomies who were tying the knot soon, did this ritual a few months before marriage…A ritual unknown to most woman, where men indulge in this unimaginable brutal and banal practice called “PUSH-UP’s”!! Along with other practices like pull up’s, crunches and lifting weight’s they encompass a wide array of torture practices .. And all these just for looking good at the wedding. Let me tell you Mr. Van Damme these pagan customs which you follow are widely looked at with contempt in the intellectual circles…Our idea of a completely relaxed afternoon nap are often broken by your folks who completely disregard our constitutional right not to look like underwear models. Yeah...but this was a case where my poor roomie was trying to change the contours of his big fat stomach which if painted carefully can pass of as a prop for earth in any sci-fi movie.

I am not a shrink but it’s easy to predict how this change happens in men as soon as they get engaged. ..If someone here still remember biology, it’s like that transformation from a larva to a pupa and then hoping to be a butterfly just in time for the marriage. And this sucks coz you are living with it when it’s in the Pupa stage. A stage where it suddenly realizes the need for healthy food.

It actually begins when you realize that the person is not now particularly interested in the nutella, burgers or crispy fried chicken legs and instead starts developing a taste for raw cabbages, carrots, egg whites and olive oil…Remember dude, there used to be a time when you bought a bean bag when I asked you to buy beans from the nearby shop… and once you bought fat free pizza’s coz you thought they were giving it free of cost.. The beer which you once described as God’s own drink is now a member of ‘axis of evil’ and replaced by sugar-free, calorie-free grapefruit juice which once your atheist friend tried and blurted...’Dear God!!’. Even those rasgulla’s from my Kolkota friend, Chandler Bong who by the way is a huge fan of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, was not given the respect it deserved. I was getting really irritated with infringement of my food rights and immediately protested by making butter chicken for five consecutive days!!

Apart from this unfortunate transformation in food habits the person starts asking us questions which you find awkward answering to…..”What do you think…Is this hair style good or this one better…?? ” . And he was bald...
Some questions are even harder to answer like when he asked the other day while prancing in front of the mirror “Don’t you think I lost weight?”. I am quite sure if he lost atleast one percent of his weight, Air India would turn profitable after years of losses attributed to this frequent flier… It has to be understood that by unwritten men’s law you DON’T ask other men such questions!! But it’s okay if you ask the question like... “I weigh 70 kilos now, yesterday I weighed 73…Does it mean a reduction of three kilos? “ The important thumb rule is not to use the taboo word “think?”!! Coz we hate to do that...

As you see these guys start behaving odd in ‘engaged’ mode…For someone whose visit to a book shop is as frequent as a clever remark attributed to me, last week he bought 3 books on “Secrets of successful marriages” , though I was glad to tell him that it was no secret that 2 of the authors are now successfully divorced. Thankfully he stopped reading the books but that was like a little ‘hope-toast’ tossed at me because it often happens that some engaged men prematurely start behaving like married men. They find hard to laugh at silly jokes if I go by what their face says...”That-was-funny-but-I-wont-LOL-coz-I am-engaged!”. You ll suddenly start noticing how hard they try to act all refined!!

Mankind should understand that one of the things which universally all single men love is chaos…For e.g. I get irritated if I can’t find my shoes inside the microwave oven every time I am searching for it…and some guys do have this medical condition where they become dizzy if they come across a fresh pair of ironed and folded jeans.. Last week one of my friend’s being the antique collector he is, fainted when his ‘engaged’ roomie threw away a 7 day old pizza!!.

The order in life can make us feel uneasy. And women complain that they sacrifice a lot in a marriage…Just remember dear ladies, that there are ex-roomies who suffer ….a lot more ……..especially when they live with men who are in Pupa!!


Have a nice weekend.

P.S. This is kinda gross..watch with parental supervision..