Friday, February 27, 2009

Who moved my beer!!


‘Five’…uh…
‘Six’…uh…
Saa…saa…’Seven’…uhhh…


*THUD*

“Kadavuleeei………”

And then there was silence.

****************************************************************************+

Folks interested in geography might be aware how they describe the rocky mountains….or marine lovers might know how the experts describe blue whales, huge...enormous…colossal …massive….etc…. those are adjectives which very well could apply to what I witnessed that morning as well!

A human specimen lying flat on the ground with limbs spread apart like the vitruvian man, looking hardly aesthetic and visibly short of breath…And what I described earlier would be the vast expanse of his tummy which was effectively blocking the sun outside and forcing me to put on the lights to understand the full gravity of the situation...GRAVITY, I understood very well indeed when I attempted to get him on his feet! I must tell you friends, there are times in your life when you wish you had a JCB at home.

But I knew this situation did not warrant a 911 call coz this was not the first time me witnessing such a fall…Almost all my previous roomies who were tying the knot soon, did this ritual a few months before marriage…A ritual unknown to most woman, where men indulge in this unimaginable brutal and banal practice called “PUSH-UP’s”!! Along with other practices like pull up’s, crunches and lifting weight’s they encompass a wide array of torture practices .. And all these just for looking good at the wedding. Let me tell you Mr. Van Damme these pagan customs which you follow are widely looked at with contempt in the intellectual circles…Our idea of a completely relaxed afternoon nap are often broken by your folks who completely disregard our constitutional right not to look like underwear models. Yeah...but this was a case where my poor roomie was trying to change the contours of his big fat stomach which if painted carefully can pass of as a prop for earth in any sci-fi movie.

I am not a shrink but it’s easy to predict how this change happens in men as soon as they get engaged. ..If someone here still remember biology, it’s like that transformation from a larva to a pupa and then hoping to be a butterfly just in time for the marriage. And this sucks coz you are living with it when it’s in the Pupa stage. A stage where it suddenly realizes the need for healthy food.

It actually begins when you realize that the person is not now particularly interested in the nutella, burgers or crispy fried chicken legs and instead starts developing a taste for raw cabbages, carrots, egg whites and olive oil…Remember dude, there used to be a time when you bought a bean bag when I asked you to buy beans from the nearby shop… and once you bought fat free pizza’s coz you thought they were giving it free of cost.. The beer which you once described as God’s own drink is now a member of ‘axis of evil’ and replaced by sugar-free, calorie-free grapefruit juice which once your atheist friend tried and blurted...’Dear God!!’. Even those rasgulla’s from my Kolkota friend, Chandler Bong who by the way is a huge fan of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, was not given the respect it deserved. I was getting really irritated with infringement of my food rights and immediately protested by making butter chicken for five consecutive days!!

Apart from this unfortunate transformation in food habits the person starts asking us questions which you find awkward answering to…..”What do you think…Is this hair style good or this one better…?? ” . And he was bald...
Some questions are even harder to answer like when he asked the other day while prancing in front of the mirror “Don’t you think I lost weight?”. I am quite sure if he lost atleast one percent of his weight, Air India would turn profitable after years of losses attributed to this frequent flier… It has to be understood that by unwritten men’s law you DON’T ask other men such questions!! But it’s okay if you ask the question like... “I weigh 70 kilos now, yesterday I weighed 73…Does it mean a reduction of three kilos? “ The important thumb rule is not to use the taboo word “think?”!! Coz we hate to do that...

As you see these guys start behaving odd in ‘engaged’ mode…For someone whose visit to a book shop is as frequent as a clever remark attributed to me, last week he bought 3 books on “Secrets of successful marriages” , though I was glad to tell him that it was no secret that 2 of the authors are now successfully divorced. Thankfully he stopped reading the books but that was like a little ‘hope-toast’ tossed at me because it often happens that some engaged men prematurely start behaving like married men. They find hard to laugh at silly jokes if I go by what their face says...”That-was-funny-but-I-wont-LOL-coz-I am-engaged!”. You ll suddenly start noticing how hard they try to act all refined!!

Mankind should understand that one of the things which universally all single men love is chaos…For e.g. I get irritated if I can’t find my shoes inside the microwave oven every time I am searching for it…and some guys do have this medical condition where they become dizzy if they come across a fresh pair of ironed and folded jeans.. Last week one of my friend’s being the antique collector he is, fainted when his ‘engaged’ roomie threw away a 7 day old pizza!!.

The order in life can make us feel uneasy. And women complain that they sacrifice a lot in a marriage…Just remember dear ladies, that there are ex-roomies who suffer ….a lot more ……..especially when they live with men who are in Pupa!!


Have a nice weekend.

P.S. This is kinda gross..watch with parental supervision..

27 comments:

thomman said...

Hehe, but I wonder what's the point in trying to look good after you're engaged; the girl has already fallen for you and most likely, the knot will be tied, unless she finds out you've some wife and kids in Kattappana(worst case scenario). And it would be nice if someone could enlighten me about the scenario, say 5 months after the marriage. Does he still do push ups? Does he still eat raw cabbages? Is he still the butterfly or has he gone back to the pupa stage?? ;)

Sakshi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sakshi said...

Hilarious!! I was curious after seeing your name and comment popping up in almost every food blog I visited. Wow a man reading food blogs and taking the time to comment too!! He must be a myth I thought and went ahead clicking at your profile. Am amazed that you cook too and write abt it. Which planet are you from dude? My husband gave up cooking his staple dal chawal the day he saw that I can manage to differentiate between sugar and tea. I am enjoying your SPARK!! Guess my husband is still in the bachelor mode then. He still gets irritated if he can't find his company badge in the fridge along with his other accessories and tells me am a wicked wife to let him out loose all neat and clean in ironed clothes, among woman folks . It makes him think I am trying to get rid off him.
I picked up Shantaram after reading your blog entries about it and since then have been hugging the book all the time neglecting my wifely duties..and my withering poor blog!!
Will be back to read more of ur amazing stuff!! Can I add you to my fave blog list??

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

ROFL post! LOL@Bean bag and fat free pizza =))
But why after engagement? :-/ Shouldn't all this be done when the pics and resumes are being exchanged? :-/

@Thomman: 5 months after marriage, he transforms from the butterfly stage to the butter-fly stage, i.e., the fly that's always buzzing around the butter! :p

mathew said...

@Thomman
hahaha..yeah...but its for the wedding da...He has to look good in the snaps naa..and moreover he will be under enormous international pressure to meet up to the girls expectations most marriage too..5 months after marriage he will detest at the sight of folks like me!! He will be the butterfly floating around!!:-D


@Sakshi
LOL!!! thanks a lot..yeah...I am a big fan of food blogs and sometimes when I dont cook I fill my stomach by transfering these wonderful images in the blogs to my stomach!!

staple dal chawal..i thought that was exotic!!:-P

And btw if your husband still search in th fridge for the badge..my salutes....I think he is perfectly at home..LOL!!

And pleasure to be part of the list.

mathew said...

@ Karthik
oh..thats the problem..that was all photoshop!! now he gotta meet up to that!:-D

thomman said...

@karthik: lol, that's a real good one. :))

@mathew: hoho, photoshop, ippazhalle enikke push-ups inte guttens pidi kittiyathe.

Jyothsna said...

Ah, we'll see what you have to write when you get engaged! :) We women fail to understand how our very dependent husbands managed to find matching pairs of socks, remembered to wash and iron their clothes, remebered where important things like passports were kept etc during their bachelorhood days! Post marriage they develop selective amnesia I think.

Dhanya said...

ROFL esp "big fat stomach which if painted carefully can pass of as a prop for earth in any sci-fi movie"
I also thought guys do this while sending resumes n not after engagement. Photoshop nte kaaryam arinjilla :P

starry nights said...

I think men are as vain as women.because women do the same things, I think everyone wants to look awesome on their wedding day.After all your kids are going to look at those pictures when you are old and maybe bald or grey.

silverine said...

One of my bros friends calls up the other day asking him to come jogging! The conv at the jogging track went like this!

Why this sudden interest in jogging man?
Got to lose weight da!
Why this sudden desire to lose weight?
Getting engaged yaar!
Congrats!! When?
Tomorrow!
:p

p.s. Couldn't watch the video. My parents are not at home! :|

@Thomas: After five months of marraige he has a big fat stomach which if painted carefully can pass of as a prop for earth in any sci-fi movie! ;)

Divs said...

Hehee.. rotfl..
I am thankful that so far my friends haven't come to that phase. It would be a sight to see though..

(Psst.. I've seen my uncle use Fair n Lovely n laughed about it so much..)

hehee.. globe.. pass of as a globe..

I am still in those fits of laughter to type anything coherent..

lol..

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

HILARIOUS!!!! I totally can't understand why people take all this pain after the engagement. Is it like he sent someone else to the engagement? or ellam ketti pooti vechhitu poyo? Didn't she see his body properly :D

PS:Can't watch the video coz i live away from my parents :D

Rahul S. Nair said...

hahaha.. a documentary on the evolution of man after getting engaged...
too good..

Mishmash ! said...

Adipoli post!!

stories about girls spending hours at the beauty parlour a couple days before and on the day of marriage were the most talked about ..but the month long beauty therapy at the other side was always sidelined :) we know a couple of our friends who were suffering from this syndrome....pinne orikkal oru fair & lovely user ne kayyode pokkanum bhagyam undayee.....:))

mathew said...

@thomman
;-D

@Jyothsna
LOL!! yeah..i know I have to eat my words then...but yeah I fully empathise with ur husband now...we like non matching pair of socks anyways..;-D

@Dhanya
ohh..that was a big kept secret just blown away now..;-P

@starry nights
true...i ofcoz meant everything in a lighter vein..;-)

@Anju
LOL!! see ur bro is suffering too..;-D

aah..and what you wrote for Thomman is a blatant lie..;-P

@Divs
thanks..:-)
well..i have a friend who is a big time user of Fair nd lovely too..

@Abhi
;-D well for engagement he went after starving for 10 days...and anyways its too late to realise that he needs shake his body a bit..

@Rahul S
thanks a lot dude..

@Mishmash
hahaha..athe athe..now the secret is out...;-)

One of my close buddy used to be an ardent user of Fair and Lovely..you have no idea how much we used to make fun of him..;-D

Nitram said...

Hilarious man!!! Now that you have correctly identified what the 'Pupa' state in romance is, I am worried as a couple of my pals are exhibiting this peculiar behavior!
However, I still feel that there is some hope left for them, after all, there is no problem in this world that cant be solved with a case (maybe two) of 'God's Own Drink' and a good measure of meat!
Better do it before April 1st when as an April fool's Day Joke, the Karnataka Govt. is going to hike prices of all Alcoholic beverages.
:(

usha said...

buhuhahaha.. i know this phenomenon.. though it surprised me beyond words then, when this bunch of my old teammies who were my lunchmates too, were all collectively in this bride-hunting spree, sacrificing desserts, one of them sardars who went to the extent of thriving on a single apple in the name of lunch (no, he wudnt even have maki di roti and sarson ka saag, forget butter chicken!), rushing to the office gym in the evenings, which made me wonder whether they are giving away free beer or something there.. and then discussing techniques of holding breath and sucking their tummies in during the engagement ceremony! was much more funny than seeing women friends struggle with their beauty treatments, you bet! :D

Sakshi said...

Mathew thanks for visiting my blog coz I almost had the impression you won't read it unless I post some recipes!! I always had a nagging doubt that I am color blind at times...orange and crimson, lilac and lavender...i mix them up all the time. Crib about winter...not me. I wish I was a penguin..lol

By the way saw the clip and I guess this is the english I understand perfectly and that is why slumdog was a visual treat for me..just posted abt it in my blog

And yeah I have a trick to make my husband feel he is still enjoying his freedom. Once in a while I leave his things untouched the way he throws it..makes him happy!!!

Sanket said...

hehe....loved it....one of my friends stopped drinking beer....i must tell you-the withdrawal symptoms are not exactly endearing

(blog-hopped here!)

How do we know said...

ha ha ha ha ha... am just ROTFL.. no comments. Mathew.. may u get married soon and may all ur ex roomies hve to suffer u in the pupa stage..

ray said...

Hi,

I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be very good.. u write well.. Why don't you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘spark’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too;

BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. :)

Cheers,
Ray

saphire said...

ahhh..finally..i get the other side of the story! :D none of my close guy frnds are in the wedding stage yet..so had only heard of the girl version of this tale till now.. ..hmm..interestin :P

Varsha Vipins said...

ROFL..Dude..what do you know about ladies running crazy after engagement..even applying chilli paste on face..:P..Anyways,am waiting for the day YOU get engaged to see what great things are going to happen in this world..B/w I really wonder if engaged guys have got time for your jokes.I always see them with a cell/blue tooth/headphone attached to their 'panjarafying' body..:D
Have a great weekend!!

mathew said...

@Nitram
hahaha..yeah be wary of em..they can drive you to madness..
i dont worry abt the prices here..beer cost just a little less than water..;-D

@usha
hahaha..havent seen such extreme cases yet..that must be interesting..;-D

@Sakshi
ayyo no...i visit blogs quite often..and i visit a regular set of food blogs..many of em have fueled my kitchen exploits..;-P

"Once in a while I leave his things untouched the way he throws it..makes him happy!!!"

LOL!! yes surely does..

@Sanket
thank you..and thanks for visiting.;-D

@How do we know
LOL!! merci merci...i hope they dont suffer as much..

@ray
I am the Rambhai.

@saphire
hehe..yeah wait for few years and you ll hear such interesting tales..;-)

@Varsha
"even applying chilli paste on face"

namichu...kadannu poyyi...anyways i ll tell this to my roomie..let me see if he does it..hehe..

and thanks for visiting this space..:)

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Dhanya said...

knock knock anybody home ;)