Tuesday, May 08, 2007

harassment of the third kind!!!

“Uncle..Uncle..Chekku Uncle ingottu nokkikkee(look here)!!!!!!“

The words pierced through and rumbled in the corridors of my mind. I was till the other day just “Chekku” or “chettan”(brother)..Off late I hear this new word attached to my name and intentionally spoken loudly by my cousin’s kids.. These post 95 era kids are calling me a “Uncle” without a scant consideration for my youth...I wouldn’t have bothered if they addressed me any other way..but calling me a Uncle!!!..Uh..that was like stamping the seal of getting older..

Till recently I could talk any crap in a family function and had the cushion of loathing’s typically attributed to a particular age group …“avannu oru payyan alle”..ee prayathil pellaru eke engane cheyuum”..(well he is young..at this age they are brats)

But now I no longer hold the luxury of a spoilt brat. I am no longer by default a unreliable and unreasonable guy..

My cousin sister put her 8 months old kid on my lap and asked me to just hold her for sometime.

I like kids ..when I was a kid we cousins used to play with a cousin sister like she was a doll. Not that we threw her away in the dust bin when we got angry or something, but we just adored her and we fought among ourselves to hold her…But now when I was actually pondering over grabbing a glass of wine I was told to hold this baby. How ever in their insane thoughts did they think that I have grown old enough to baby-sit for a reasonable amount of time. .What if I had a few extra beers..or if I tried giving a little wine to the baby. .just out of curiosity..!! Did they ever think of such highly possible scenarios..!!

And then there was this 8 year old chap who apparently liked the idea of me playing boogeyman (I haven’t yet figured out what is this thing called Boogeyman..Is it kind off batman or He-man??)..He wants me to scare him like every 5 min.. I have to throw him in the air.. do sword fight with a plastic Lego toy.. It is so difficult to convince him that I was more interested in looking at the beautiful Swiss chechi near him.

In 2 min..I hear another of those swear words..”Uncle..Uncle..ring a rosy kalikaam..”(Lets play ring a rosy)

Uh…another one. How could they perceive in their wildest imagination that I would do a Ring a Rosy with em…I usually rely on scaring the kids away when they turn out be irksome..
Recently I successfully convinced a 3 year old niece that I will roast her in boiling oil if she didn’t keep quiet!! Her parents wont ever allow me in the vicinity of this kid in the near future!!*evil grin*

The best trick to stop a crying kid from crying is to cry ourselves as childishly as possible..Seriously it works..I have often tried this out and executed it successfully.The kids generally become benevolent on seeing another kid crying just like em.

I seriously think the parent teach kids few things before introducing em to me.

This Uncle doesn’t like 7-8 year old kids(esp guys) who love to box on me..They think am a punch bag which is hanging just to receive all those merciless blows..Please do these kind off tricks on your daddy’s and Mummy’s..
This uncle likes kids who don’t cry and prefers those who smile always like in the posters..And if they want to go to loo they should call their mamma/papa and not me!!

Okay..I am ready to bear all kind off expletives you would like to call me..I am ready to withstand your fasincation for painting color on my face..or sticking maida on myforehead..But for Christ sake ..Until our age difference is more than 25 years you are not given the right to call me a ‘Uncle’..

58 comments:

Nariyal Chutney said...

Uncle Mathew . This was a nice post :P

Anonymous said...

brilliant.
perfectly echoed what I would want to say too :)

But may be a foot note was missing..?that you would still hold on to the kid placed on your lap?

silverine said...

@NC: LOL!!!

@mathew: When a kid calls you 'uncle' it's because he is taught to call elders like that. He doesn't literally mean that you are an old uncle :) And hey looks like you are all set to be a great Dad! :p Now if only the swiss chechi would oblige and marry "chekku uncle" lol :))

mathew said...

@NC
eu tu brutus!! ;-P

@anonymous

ah..thanks for standing by me..i was feelin alone here..amidst same age people callin me uncle!! ;-P

yeah.on the lap as long as it wont wet my lap!! ;-P

@Anjali

hehehe..see who is talking..you are a senior baby sitter!!cant you atleast sympathise!!! ;-P

btw swiss chechi might have mistaken am married..so no holdin kids in front of swiss chechi's anymore!!! ;-P

fling said...

lol ur a funny uncle. winks.

fun read mathew. so did u try the wine for the kid?

alex said...

Mathew,

LOL. We call our buddy 'Uncle' who might be 3 years or so younger to you. :P

Some names just stick to people. LOL

Mishmash ! said...

Mathewww...I couldnt help giggle when I imagined u playing ring a rosy with ur niece/newphew :)))

And"... Recently I successfully convinced a 3 year old niece that I will roast her in boiling oil if she didn’t keep quiet!! "" poor kiddddo :)))

But on a serious note, I can empathize with u, as till i got married kids used to call me chechi and after that all on a sudden "aunty" !! and the worst part was when my BIL called me 'chedathi' though he is just few months younger to me :(

Alexis said...

Mathew you are impossible...ROFL.

But that was a great post. I too used to scare kids away. But now however hard I try, they are not scared. May be they see me as a talking toy!

Cuckoo said...

So uncle, how are you doing now ? ;)

Hilarious.. and today's generation ?? Better not talk abt them.

priya said...

Mat: A promotion in relationship sometimes hurts with age. Can't stop isn't it.

I remember when I changed from half-saree to saree, kids called me aunty. I felt damn with the dress...

Red Soul said...

things just happen. Am not yet ready but they insist on calling me "aunty".. Thankfully, my couple frds 2 year old calls me "didi"... that makes me feel better! It funny how uve written the "uncle uncle" thing.....


and abt the kaavya comment on my blog, I am so unsure about my comment. Coz the similarities are just SOOOOOOOOOOO similar! :-(
I wish I cud say "it cud be jus a co-incidence"......

SilenceKilled said...

Yes... Even i hate when kid's mom say "Ask aunty her name!" God, I am not yet eligible to be called Aunty :(
But, then kids are cute, maybe at times whimsical or irritating as well...but then , they are kids, so they have liberty to be so :)

Neihal said...

ahahahahahahaha

*one of these days I will have to learn not to laugh at other ppl's misery" :P

My mom only made me baby sit my brothers couple of times, and she specifically cautioned anyone who even thought about making me do that. But things are changing, I just cant pinch a baby blue n black and get away with it. *sigh*

Perspective Inc said...

Hhahahaha!! You KNOW i totally relate with your post!!

mathew said...

@fling
;-P…I knew it was coming!!!! Well to keep the impression that am not evil I wont say much!!

@Alex
Hahaha..we have same name in our friends circle..but we call em for fun sake..but these are kids who are trained by parents to “insult” us

@Mishmash!
Well it was quite awkward!!
BIL callin you chedathi ..well atleast that is soap washing to get some good food u cook!!! ;-P

@Alexis
Lol!! talking toy!! Do they try pressing your nose for pausing the machine!!

@Cuckoo
mm..well fine..Aunty!!!!!!!! ;-D

mathew said...

@Priya
yeah..but I prefer a demotion!! hehehe..
well I blame the parents for training them to call me “uncle”

@Red Soul
ahh..u are lucky..i wish 2 year old kids called me by my name!!

@Silence killed
hahaha..yeah same scenario happened for me..I couldn’t even stare at the kid’s mom for the sake of posterity. .well cant blame the kids ..their intentions are harmless!!

@Neihal
hehehe..well I ll bring in a carton of kids at ur place and make all of em call you “aunty” in chorus!!!!!!!so better stop laughing!! ;-P

@Prespective Inc
Comrade!!! ;-P

Seema said...

ROFL...

Is the Komban Meesha leading to this Uncle bit?

N yeah eyeing the Swiss Chechi with the baby sitting tricks that will go as added perks if she was impressed...some swiss chechi will surely give in lol even if you have to take a lill more of the uncle bit !!!

Princess Banter said...

Hahaha hilarios! Just a few days ago, I've decided that I hate all kids sans those who are related to me by blood. By name, I will have to decide still. And how true... if you don't know my name, call me "sister" dont freakin call me "auntie" -- FFS!

Kusum Rohra said...

Read This post :D

And ya welcome to the club.

Priyankari said...

God! Laughed a lot! Could actually visualize u in these situations...great ways u've invented to tackle them!

Great post!!

alex said...

Mathew,

LOL trained..huh...

Am In Trance.. said...

Hey.. Thats Fun.. Imaginin' The Look On Ya' Face !!
LoLz..
Keep Smilin'..
Cheers !!

Di said...

he he he...arre i really dont mind them callin me auntie or even grandma...but makin conversation with them, especially if they happen to b screamin for something?! Man ! Id run for my life and real fast! :-/

VMJ said...

chekku face it you are getting old...the only thing i recommend now is for you to go back to the goggles (jayan era) that were such a hit in college. and get that YO fishermans cap too. :D

Ajith said...

Mr Uncle , hope no young gal calls u by that tag in the near future :)

Umesh said...

"Cheriya kuttikalodum Patti kuttikalodum koode kalikkaruthu" coz both are un predictable. They can do anything which can embarrass you. I'm friendly with kids only when they are 1 to 2 years old. After that i give them bhayankar stares which will shoo them away. And whenever they call me uncle i correct them in a stern voice "Call me Etta". I can relate to your problem mathew...

But the epitome was when my landlord's relative, a girl of say 14 15 years old tried to call me uncle. I just kept on walking ignoring her call until she came infront of me and blocked me to give a bill. She again called me uncle the next day and i shouted back

"I'M NOT YOUR UNCLE. CALL ME ANNA"

crumbs said...

sigh. its worse when they call you aunty. :-/
serious identity crisis stuff.
again. sigh!!

alakananda said...

twas when i moved to b'lore soon after i got married when a neighbour's kid called me aunty and i got quite bugged.this despite the fact that i became a real aunt to my nephew by the time i was 5. there is a difference between a loving 'kunja'(short for 'kunjamma') and a generic aunty. well, today my nephew's and nieces' kids call me 'ammoomma'. what do u say to that? it was rather jarring in the beginning to hear my name and ammoomma go together. but i guess i am used to it now and love it all the same.

fling said...

oh come on mathew. u cant expect me being an angel. i love to kick ass. lol

so i want the answer! n a new post too.

Red Soul said...

uncle uncle plz update karo na! ;) BUAHAHAHHAHA

mystic rose said...

ive used that crying owrse than you trick ot great success.. :)

but, uh seriously, mathew.. grow up. :)

Jiby said...

i am reconciled to the Uncle calling now though i hate it...infact i so sympathise i call every new 50 year old or 60 year old i meet cheta coz i realize how young it makes them feel!

infact there is a blogger whose name i wont reveal, who some years back posted his snaps on one of the earliest social networking sites and got this priceless comment in response, "Uncle what are you doing here?!"

Neers said...

Unkilll!!! this was awesome!! i sometimes like being called aunty... infact, i insist... cos my friend... am what you call the antithesis... all those kids think... am their age!! :(

Pegasus said...

:)) happened to me once....
kids often address all their father's friends as uncle... but this one was just 7-8 years younger

Keshi said...

hey Uncle Matty can we play? but I cry when Im bored and I dun smile all the time...get real uncle!

;-)
Keshi.

mathew said...

@all

forgive me for the delay in replyin back to comments..am enjoying extreme laziness at home!!! :-)

mathew said...

@Seema

Lol!! thnx for the advice..meanwhile the mouch is the fak..am actually a brand ambassador for braun electric shavers!! ;-P

@princess banter

hehehe..another comrade..thanks..
but i seriously dont hate kids..i just love to nag em a bit..

@Kusum

that was a terrific post..club oh yeah..am the president ..you can be the CEO!!

@priyankari
thanks..well its survival techniques! ;-P

mathew said...

@Alex

;-P

@am in trance

am not in trance though..thanks for droppin by here..

@Di

Lol!! well they dont expect me to be so submissive whehn they scream..scream back at them..ever tried that??!!

@mani

da...ninte ee idea kayil vachaal mathi!! ;-P

@Ajith
100 indian rupees for you..plzz no ..plzz no more callin me uncle!! ;-P

mathew said...

@Umesh


14-15 year girl called you Uncle..man u are a gone case!! ;-P

@Crumbs
exactly grandaunty!!..it real hurts when they call that!! ;-P

@alakananda
ammomma..you are declared the martyr amongst us!!!!!!!!!

@fling
well if you dont tell anyone..i have tried giving a spoonful ..well new post not in another 2 weeks..at home after a year..and enjoying the bliss of extreme laziness!!;-P

@red soul
ROTFL!!..candy for you to keep u quiet!! :-P

@mystic rose
growing up is a absurd concept.. ;-P

mathew said...

@Jiby
that was priceless...i now understand why they named my bro Baby..so that he would be called a "baby" for ever!!! ;-P

@Neers

woohooh..Aunty..Aunty.Aunty!!
Aunty..Aunty.Aunty!!
aah..well am having delirious pleasure now!!


@pegasus
Considering the turmoil you have gone through I authorise that you be decorated with Param Beer Chakra!!

@Keshi
you are still a kid!!! ;-P
a kid shouldnot blame another kid!!

Jac said...

As if in uncle bun


Uncle matt !!!

Ruchika said...

Hahahaha!! Damn nice post! I totally agree.. even when my colleague introduced me to his 2 yr old daughter, he said "say hi to aunty" and I was like, whoa?!! Back up! I'm not her aunty!!!! And the words of that ad rang through my head - "aunty, aunty, aunty"... So I know! And totally agree that unless we're 25 yrs apart u're not allowed to call me aunty - wait a min! In this case, I WAS 25 yrs older!! Oh God!!!!

Hehehe.. funny one..

Ankit said...

too good man that was hillarious .

I have been in similar situations why dont people understand kids is not the area of specialization of bachelors

mystic rose said...

u bet!

enjoy it for a few more years then. :)

Neers said...

enda kuta?

Jac said...

matt !
Where are u ?

@neers
How ????

Velu Nair said...

LOL.. am reminded of the first time a salesgirl looked plainly on my face and asked if Uncle wud like something else too. A colleague of mine who noticed my angst-stricken face nudged me and whispered, that I wud soon get used to it...

:) ;) :D

Pal, how have u been?

Mishmash ! said...

Hey Mathew !!It's been quite a while since I got to read those humorous yet thought provoking posts....just struck me that you might be in India enjoying ur vacation.....enjoy ur stay...get pampered ...eat lotsss and eat well...come back with more stories :)

Be Good !
Shn

fling said...

uncle is lost!

Rockus said...

fyi...boogeyman is a WWE superstar unlike Super Man or Bat Man. And oh yeah...this guy eats and spits live worms and smashes a time piece with his head! Wanna play as the guy? :-P

Anonymous said...

fyi boogeyman is a term for zombie used to make children scared enuff to sleep in England. The WWF guy adopted the name.

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

hehe.. you wanna hear this :
there's this dude who's my neighbor's kid and breaks 1 window in a month - all mine.

if there's something that can irritate me, it is the sound of broken glass, and then this guy tells me - uncle, i dont play singles. that's why.
UNCLE?? damn!
:)

Jac said...

matty
Where are you ?
You must be out of that hangover of yours.
:)

mathew said...

@ Jac
I swear am not a ungle!!!!! ;-P

@ Ruchika
Well of coz I was subject to such immense humiliation during my recent trip home..But there was a silver lining..A 7 year old nephew talked to me as if I were her schoolmate!!

@ Ankit
Thanks for dropping by here..am delighted to hear a comrade out here..

@ mystic rose
well am enjoyin every bit of it!! J

@Neerja
sugam aanu chechi!! (now you got to find out what it means..eh)

@Jac
sorry for the delayed replies..

@Velu
Nice to see you back after a long time..well I offer my deepest condolences for goin through that incident.. ;-P

Well hope to see you blogging like before again!!

mathew said...

@Mishmash!
Thanks for enquiring by..and the generous comments..I was sure having lots of fun at home..am just finding it hard getting back to the old work routine!!

@fling
not yet… ;-P

@Rockus
yuck!! I ll be Hulk Hogan anyday then..that’s the only WWE guy I seem to know!! :-P

@Anony
Thanks for the info..New gyan for me!!

@Toothless wonder
Lol!! Well I think am a lot better of than you..I need to play the uncle only during family getto-gethers…

N said...

chekku???? wat kinda name is dat ?lol ....

Amooma said...

empathising with u . just back after a month long session of babysitting a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old. taking them to the loo included. also letting them be an 'airplane' and such. whew!!

wanderlust said...

reminds me of ages ago when i started getting called 'aunty'. now i am dreading the day they start 'ammachi'.
love your blog, by the way.