Saturday, October 25, 2008

Its party time...

Last Saturday I was invited by a malayalee uncle for a party at his house and as I am obliged by German law (which roughly when translated means “Free food don’t say No”) the offer was gracefully accepted with an emphatic YES.

And years of training and rigorous practice has taught me two things:-

1) Starve yourself four hours before any party for maximum utilization.
2) And two, your stomach already knows there is a party coming, so it’s your duty or karma to meet the hype.

And so after emotionally preparing and giving sufficient time for the afternoon mutton curry to digest, myself and my beloved stomach waited in anticipation for the clock to strike 6….

And precisely at that moment I embarked on this noble journey for a worthwhile cause. After an uneventful ride till the house I reached the party place and was graciously welcomed and as always during such events the inbuilt sensors in my nose activated and began a complicated process of analyzing.

*chicken fry...CLICK…mmm smells awesome…set Priority 1...CLICK…search alternatives…mmmm…Fish curry…doesn’t meet CMM level 5….priority 3…CLICK…..ALARM...ALARM…..sensor detects presence of dangerously attractive substance….sensor match analysis in progress…CLICK….search matches history…CLICK…Budweiser detected….High priority…Shortage detection software launched…CLICK…Safe supplies confirmed...CLICK……Human recognition sensor requests activation…Humans around you ….Activate basic courtesies program…CLICK*

Note that this complicated process caught over a slow motion camera is over actually in .00003 seconds after a performance improvement program was initiated recently. This has helped in quick launch of BCP (Basic Courtesies program) which in circa 95 did not work most of the time according to Mathasree Pithasree Cyber Patrol (MPCP).

Me:” Haa…Kuttiachen uncle…what’s so special about the party? Your son got married is it?”
Babu Uncle: “mm…my son got married in 1997…and btw did Kuttiachen really ...”
Me:”uh…my specks…all these dust…uh….where is Kuttiachen uncle”

*SAVE YOURSELF program activated….high intensity blunder…last adavvu to be used…Pretend nothing happened. Pretend nothing happened. CLICK*


*Navigate to aunties’ zone….less risk area…*

But all hopes were dashed when a peculiarly talkative aunty creates mess in the ceasefire zone.

TA: “aah.…mone…I finally bought the computer”
Me:” great... So hows your new PC, aunty?
I guess by now you are an expert.”

TA: “oh yeah…its all fine…am so good at it…aunty virus um install cheythu.”
Me:“WHAAT?...aunty virus um install cheythoo?? :-O”
TA: “athe mone…aunty virus install cheythudei...every one says aunty virus install cheyenam ennu”
Me “aah….how can you...how did you…how…..!!”
TA: “computer medichappol those guys gave me a CD too...Norton inte anti virus aayirunnu”
Me: “duh!!”

*complete failure day….complete failure day…..navigate to German zone*

And I finally met the beautiful german wife of young german-mallu guy for whom the party was hosted.….

Me: “Hello Catherine….congratulations”
Catherine: “Danke schon…Das...ich Bitch...Ich bin…@#$#@%@#%.”

“Thengakolla!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Where is the food...my good lord…save me!!”

HAPPY DIWALI TO ALL!!!!!!!



30 comments:

Superficial Gibbering prater said...

Achayo,

Can i have a transsation of " Danke schon…Das...ich Bitch...Ich bin…@#$#@%@#%"

Wonderful read as always :)

Rahul S. Nair said...

i guess u didnt have any conversation after that...
Must have dived into the food.. eh.. :)

VIDYA said...

:d aunty vius um installl cheytu!! lol!

Thomman said...

Post continues:

Mathai's mouth: Here you go food, right into me!
Mathai's stomach: Mr. Foul Mouth, don't bite off more than you can chew.
Mathai's mouth: Shut up old organ, this is free food. Should utilize the maximum!
Mathai's stomach: There's this mutton curry to digest that you swallowed at noon. And now this! I can't handle your gluttony.
Mathai's nose: Alert! Alert! Beef fry sensed at extreme right corner of the kitchen. Go straight, take a left and head right into the kitchen.
Mathai's stomach: That's it. I resign.
Mathai's brain: Uh oh! Alarm! Alarm! Cancel the route to kitchen. Head straight to the toilet!!!

Yikes!!!

ursjina said...

rotfl..i loved the aunty virus part...
btw graphic descriptions of food items might be potentially dangerous for ur gastro intestinal system in the long run..:P

Dhanya said...

LOL But I think it's acceptable to go through these risks to follow the Deutsches gesetz in Deutschland :P

scorpiogenius said...

heheheeee and how was the food?

Did you manage to meet kuttiachen uncle? :)

Mishmash ! said...

Mathayikunje kalakkeetto :))

And Thomman's comment was topping over the dessert :D

freespirit said...

Ich lache laut. Another lol post :)

cris said...

hahaha! You are an amazing human being. You can smell food, talk food, locate food, think food, imagine food, alert yourself all at the same time!

mathew said...

@Superficial Gibbering prater
hehe...as if i knew!;-P

@Rahul
you will make a fine nostardamus..:-D

@Vidya
;-P yeah finally..

@Thomman
ROTFL....nice one..
we have a deal that doesnt allow the brain to have veto powers!!;-D

@Jina
thank you..and yeah ofcoz am kiddin in the post..;-P

@Dhanya
alles klar...such missions are worth going for!!

@scorpiogenius
awesome..and Kuttiachen..who!! ayyo....;-p

@Mishmash
hehehe...yes Thommans comment was too good :-D

@freespirit
danke schon!!;-D

@Cris
hahaha..practise madam..practise!!!;-)

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

Vann post. Like cris said, hats off to your ability to do al that together. Pinne aunty virus install cheythille pinne aar virus install cheyyum? I'd like to add that this made my day on a boring train ride :)

@ Thomman - LOL. Awesome comment :)

Alameen said...

Tante-Virus stuff ist super..
thengakkola Ende war besser

Cheers
Al

Ps said...

ha ha ha Mathew--Then thengakolla and Aunty virus really had me chuckling! :D
Terrific! Keep writing! :)
Smiling a big smile.
Cheers
preeti

Philip said...

:))

Must have been a real pain having to run the Basic Courtsies Program when all the processor was thinking of doing was to eat the food.

Mathasree Pithasree Cyber Patrol (MPCP) was LOL

Divs said...

:D :D aunty virus !! :P

Jyothsna said...

Aunty virus!!!ROLF!! Nice conversation there :)

usha said...

ich Bitch...Ich bin…
teehee!!

have a fun filled german diwali! :D

sweets said...

im at a loss for words...especially since you create magic with them!!

Chanced to enter your world....and i cant help but simply stand and stare!

i admire your spirit....and i salute the soul that makes this possible.

thank you for giving me a roller coaster ride....thru LIFE.simple....uncomplicated living.

wishing you the best.

sweetness,
swee

mathew said...

@Abhi
hehehe...hey are u actually working now for railways...;-P
thanks a lot!!

@Alameen
thank you...

@Preeti
danke schon!:-)

@Philip
;-D

@Divs
hehehe...you got it..:-D

@Jyothsna
thank god..it didnt go too far..

@usha
thank you..yeah ..and I need to pick on my deutsch...

@Sweetha chechi
I was actually whether wondering the comment had come here by mistake..;-P
thanks for visiting the blog...:-)

confucius said...

I like your writing very much...have been following your blog for a few months now. Very interesting...

How do we know said...

And How WAS the food after all that spicy starters?

confucius said...

ROFTL...
How come Aunties are less risk zone? In my experience they are the riskiest zone...
Aunty: Mone ...Do you remember me..NJan ninne kure eduthu nadannatha..nee ente methu kure mootham ozhichitundu
Me: ( Although I am seeing her for the first time ) ... Of course aunty..
Aunty: Enna para ... njan araaa
Me : Manga tholi...

The Traveller said...

You are terribly funny! :P I still can't stop laughing....

Man, you are simply great!! :P

eljo said...

spoken like a true bachelor at onsite whose radar is specifically trained to detect homecooked food :-) Had a good laugh. Keep them coming.

Parul said...

yours is a rather complicated POA, i simple ATTACK :)

Aiswarya said...

adi polii

saphire said...

u learn german for free, hrmpf! (or rather learn that u havent learnt :P)Happy diwali!

mathew said...

@confucius
Thanks a lot.:-D

@How do we know
LOL!! obviously perfekte!!;-P

@The Traveller
hahaha...thanks..;-P

@Eljo
you know..yo know..
nice to see you hear..
take care..:-)

@Parul
Blitskreig is a policy I use at times of shortage..;-D

@Aiswarya
:-D

@saphire
exactly..I think I have to pay them now..;-P

Priya said...

You made laugh like hell. So u had a mixture of all food with less spicy huh..