Wednesday, September 10, 2008

War on terror

This post is dedicated in loving memory of men and woman who were victims of the terror unleashed by a violent and cold-blooded enemy. Let’s pray for the victims in this moment of grief and pledge that we won’t leave their crimes go unpunished.

Excerpts of a speech from President Bush to the world.

“Great harm has been done to us. We have suffered great loss. And in our grief and anger we have found our mission and our moment. Freedom and fear are at war. The advance of human freedom -- the great achievement of our time, and the great hope of every time -- now depends on us. We will rally the world to this cause by our efforts, by our courage. We will not tire, we will not fart err falter, and we will not fail”

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If you are wondering what Bush was talking about, YES, it’s about spiders, cockroaches, lizards, rats and other such terrorist group of animals who have put at stake the very existence of human race. Dear friends, this is a “rat race” we can’t afford to loose!

As one among the brave men of 21st century I am not the kind of person who will shy away from demanding times. I prefer to face the enemy, man to insect. And that’s why I have one of the world’s most lethal arsenal of cockroach repellants and anti-lizard ballistic sprays at home...

It all began several years ago…

Flashback…..

The countless times I met face to face with this enemy of our lives in bathrooms or while searching for an old pair of chappals in the attic …That day of tribulation , I saw one distant cousin of the tarantula near the soap box…But they say real men rise to the occasion in adversity and when alone…
And I ran for my life …

With all due to respect to Spiderman, I hate you for glorifying this dangerous animal to the levels of superstardom. In school several friends of mine caught spiders with a hidden ambition of becoming Spiderman someday, only to end up with gooey rashes and severe fever. Would these guys have been a bit realistic or sensible….Spiderman for godsake against Phantom...talking of matches…eh!!

Talking of another if not equally dangerous predator are the cockroaches who with their winged capabilities have given me countless sleepless nights. I remember running out of home for approximately 3 kilometers when I heard mom asking me to bring a broom when she supposedly spotted one of them in a dangerously combative position…It was the sheer bravery of my brother who apparently have a fascination for killing cockroaches that saved inhabitants of the house on that fateful day.

Often my humble expectations of a safer world are put off by another of them called the lizards whose only occupational hazard seems to get jammed at door hinges. Lizards though seemingly harmless are like a disaster waiting to happen. They would evolve into dinosaurs one day and outgrow their current size to turn into behemoth animals that could create disasters, as proved by Steve Spielberg in one of his famous movies. Do we stay quiet about all these…?

Part of the blame lies in our faulty education system. Even the widely respected source of knowledge for kids i.e. the cartoon network have made saints out of anti-human animals like Jerry who as we all know continuously harassed Tom….we are setting the wrong examples for our future generation… Ratatouille was not even banned in Iran!!!

This animal has to be destroyed under all means and I wished the United States government did give a deal for the state of Kerala where I come from, so that I could leverage the latest insect sprays from Wal-Mart to decimate these perpetrators of crime against humanity...

Fellow countrymen…Isn’t it time for us to ACT? Isn’t it time for us to do something about these infidels who create havoc at homes and especially. for certain guys like me who are genuinely protective by nature. Its time for us to exercise our rights to self defence and eradicate all of them for ever.

Regards,

Mathew
Chronic sufferer of Arachnophobia, kastaridaphobia and Scoliodentosaurophobia

22 comments:

Ms Cris said...

Yes yes yes. You speaketh mah mind. And I personally am very much on poor Tom's side. Cruel inhuman Jerry! The little rat! Count me in for the, the, err what are we doing again? Right! Self defence and eradication. Your bro will be there wont he?

Hari said...

I SERIOUSLY expected this post to be a tirade on insects et al, when I read the first couple of paras... :))

But I'm on the side of insects! What if every single human being in the vortex of planet Earth starts nurturing such anti-arachno dreams?! The poor ol' insect community is going to get wiped out!

Remember, the WWW borrowed its name from the Spider's web! :P

If they all die, you'll miss the cobwebs one day... Won't you, sire? :)

Ps said...

All schoos should have courses where they teach kids to_______...aww forget it..Its best if some things are left unsaid ;-)
Cheers
preeti

Tom said...

Man, where's mosquitoes?, the numero uno predator that gave me sleepless nights in tvm.

anN-series said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anN-series said...

oh those poor insects who are at my mercy at my place... i am thinking of alternate career options like '(Ex)Terminator' :~D

The Arachnids Union said...

Thank you young man for this post. Forewarned is forearmed they say. We have no ill feeling against you for expressing your opinion in your blog. It is your blog after all. But from now on be very careful where you sit, stand, lean or sleep! And be very careful when you put your hand on/in your pocket, shoes, drawers, bags,cupboard, keyboard, soap box, comb, shampoo bottle, after shave, shirt, desk, aircraft seats, trains, Project Manager( if you swing that way else when you are going to slap him),plate, cutlery, etc.

Have a nice life! :|

Raouf said...

lol @ silverine!!!! :D

The post speaketh true. I've been waging an unending war against spiders, mosquitoes, cockroaches and rats since I started staying here at TVM. Our rented place houses an unholy alliance of the dark forces. What were occasional-oddities at home became foes who are very much battle-ready here. They are reigning, despite the combined best efforts of 7 top-notch CETians. :D I echo the need for legislation to bring birth-control for all forms of insect-life.
Kill 'em all!!!!

silverine said...

Just heard that a young man with a wild look in his eyes has been reported roaming the streets of Hamburg, unshaven, unbathed, uncombed etc. He keeps spraying himself with a can of Spidericide though he refuses to touch the can and requests strangers to use the can on him. Offers from kind strangers to take him home is turned down, though he lets them feed him as he is very scared of plates, glasses etc. Even his work is typed by his colleagues as he dictates it to him while standing on one bare foot. According to reports he is an Indian. The Indian embassy is trying to get in touch with him, but he refuses to touch the phone. Please help him if you can! :(

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

I'm suffering a lot from the mosquitoes in my office during night shifts! I take a coil when i go to office in the night! Nicely written! Especially the last ACT part :D

@ Silverine: Awesome comment! Waiting for Mat to reply to this :D

mathew said...

@Cris
You are the first honorary member of the Allies..;-P
Yeah I hope we will outsource the job to someone else…i mean the self defence part…hehehe…


@Hari
How dare you comment here…This is no space for archano-sympathisers..!!
Your movements will be tracked henceforth and start counting your days.

Cris, Their movement has even infiltrated on few humans!! Beware…

@Preeti
hahaha…yeah .where are those schools…. ;-P

@Tom
They don’t evoke fear…They are just blood suckers!! ;-D

@Ann
LOL!! Please attend the interview at 3 pm , Vaashi district, Mumbai…
Kill all cockroaches there and you are in the job!!

@Arch Enemy
Ha….We don’t cower under such silly threats...
Don’t underestimate the collective voice of humans. We can shriek real loud together…

I suspect your union is lead by a human sympathiser…But remember what happened to Saddam...remember the climax of Devadas(which by the way reminds me of the moota wing of your species who tried to kiss my a$$ while lurching in the theatre)…

P.S. Could you please take all this in the right spirit….we are friends naa…no hiding behind the cupboard or shoes right ? Your sense of humour…ha…
seriously don’t please!!!


@Raouf
Hey Trivandrum is not that bad...Haven’t you seen the giants in Kochi....The hospitals there even ask the mosquitoes to donate blood!!!

7 CETians...You make us a bunch of losers....We are supposed to do greater things than just kill mosquitoes.....
Try to catch a mosquito and hang it to death...it would be more fun!!

@Anjali
LOL!!.How come you know how I look when am at my best!!! ;-D
My fears are just genuine and evolved out of healthy respect for these species… Please stop this mental harassment which you are subjecting me to…After all these , even noodles look scary for me….and mind it you are going be sued and you ll pay for the crimes…You infidel who collaborated with Arachnids union and caused a poor guy in Hamburg to hide in a bath-tub filled with sterilised beer!!

@Abhi
Mosquitoes..uhm..hehehe…forget about it…
.Please come back with something more scary!! We don’t accept anything less than a cock-roach…

Destination Infinity said...

Al others are fine, but why lizards? They are so sympathetic towards us, and some times eat flies etc. Or it a part of bigger game to fool us?

Destination Infinity

VIDYA said...

Leave no crimes Unpunished! Kill em all......

'we wiln not fart..'wait till bush reads ur blog :p

Happy Onam!

Raouf said...

Trust me, things are different at Trivandrum. :|

Lately, the mosquitoes here have taken to walking since they are unable to fly coz of the overload. :|

Another worrying development is that if you kill a mosquito with your hands, your hands are so bloodied that you have to use water and soap to cleanse!! :|

As you noticed, I am saying every bit, with a straight face. Even this!! :|

Anonymous said...

Good post. I feel the same way and have major Arachnophobia. Which gets me wary every time I visit Kerala. Seems people there are used to it and find it funny.

Prasanth said...

Sigh

One remembers those days in the zoology practical laboratory by when it had been deemed too cruel to kill frogs and cockroaches had been selected as the ideal subjects of unbiased, objective, fearless study.

They died in large numbers....once we tore them apart ie. ;)

Prasanth

scorpiogenius said...

leave'em alone sparkie...I guess you must pay a visit to China or Thailand where they turn all these horrors into delicious eateries...O)...

Talking about 'horrors', I recall seeing pics of the rooms one of my friends on a social networking site...He has named it 'horror1' 'horror2' and 'horror3' after the arachnido-haven he managed to create out of it...I guess...

Abraham Menacherry said...

not very afraid of them myself, but my mom freaks out if she sees spiders.

But all of it is applicable to me, if you say snake.... I would win the olympic marathon if the route had enough snakes...:D

mathew said...

@Destination Infinity
Ofcoz dont underestimate the enemy..thats a common mistake we make..and lizards are like a wolf in lizards clothings..;-D

@Vidya
Happy Onam to you too..
and yeah join the allies..:-D

@Raouf
Hahaha..man you scare me..
ithreykkum mosham aayo..

@Anon
They are the battle hardened people...I respect them a lot!!

@Prasanth
Well one reason I didnot take zoology is the fear of dissecting them and nauseating smell of the labs..

@Anish
hehhe.athenye kurichu onnum parayendaa..I stick to conventional chinese food.!;-)

@Abraham
Snakes...You guys come up with more of them and scare me more..
another propaganda to glorify them in snake and ladders!!

POOJA NAIR said...

Funny post!

I wrote about my tryst with cockroaches once...take a look at this...

http://lensewiper.blogspot.com/2007/03/story-of-my-pet-lizard.html

Ann said...

Hope you have read "Bhoomiyude Avakaasikal"!! All the said group are tend to declare you,the author as a terrorist themselves..Hope 'll enjoy ! lol

Neena Padayatty said...

Enjoyed the post;the comments and the replies too,so much that i forgot that i was in the comments page....:D

Fear of cockroaches was overcome in the zoology lab when we nailed them in the head and plucked out their legs(ofcourse they were already choloroformed ;D).

I must say ur readers too have a terrific sense of humour and imagination too...U are really lucky.:)