Friday, April 18, 2008

Cuttingoo Shavingoo??

Hitler, Veerappan, Moses ... and a certain blogger.
Does it ring a bell?
Yes you got it right! People of remarkable intelligence, handsome, suave and having an efficacious mouch! Yes this is all about the grand moustache!!!
Well as a kid I remember the most common technique to scare me was twirling of the moustache by an otherwise harmless uncle, though last I heard they use scary H-rated cassettes (yes Himesh bhai). Personally for me, mouch has always deeply impacted history, culture and mankind in general as much as mamookoyya.

I recently came to know that moustaches and beards in spite of their profound importance have never been researched in a proper way. I hope to provide insights which might some day land me a 'Mathew hall of fame' or a 'Reverend Mathew Fellowship award ' or something like that…

Neways considering the air of intellectualism on mentioning different art styles like cubism, Neoclassicism and other such inexplicable 'isms', I thought of naming the mouch-beard styles in similar fashion. Well after all there is nothing more than such complicated incoherent isms which people love to claim to be holy thou fans of. My classification was however written in layman lingua.

HUSKY-ISKY-DOSTO-VESKY
Easily the most recognizable of all and sported since neanderthal times...You could have been the sex symbol among cavewoman if you had one of those...And in modern times understanding the several variations of it is an art itself. In various forms it could mean an intellectual...a homeless man or a lovable grandpa. Intellectually speaking, you probably might have heard of the clean-shaven guy who was not allowed inside 'The Socrates society conference on Freudian principles '. He apparently came naked per standards for the event as some human look-alike from ‘Dostoevsky clan’ later remarked. The intellectuality increased with the unkemptness of the hair and it is always a bonus if the hair is graying with wisdom or poor hygiene…either way.

For many others it is simply the brand USP…It is simply technically impossible to be a homeless poor man without a beard and long hair… Well on the positive side a more lovable and cuddly version of the Dostoevsky is found in Santa Klaus…Apparently no one would hate a guy who is coming in with those gifts…eh! Someone did take a step further ahead by improvising that look. Legend as says one old fella did go for beard straightening in an obscure Pune barbershop and voila got that charismatic look. Most people don't realize that when Osho tells you to sing Hare Rama Hare Krishna…he meant Hare in the rabbit sense as tribute to his hairy turnaround.

GUJRAL LE GOATEE
I remember the first time it got my attention when a major politician appeared on the scene. And security was so fool proof those times that he traveled around in 15 similar looking ambassadors and all that...Equally ingenious was when in public the presence of high breed Cashmere goats threw tantrums and kept those Osama's and bin Laden's guessing. It was not until several years later someone started appearing in television asking kaun banega crorepati did this style caught popular imagination.

GRAZED FIELD
This is the favorite of the current generation…We think that woman would find it hot and sexy although most men sport it because they are just plain lazy to shave everyday…I guess it became a trend with Hrithik Roshan sporting this style as many guys did try this out but personal movies turned out to be 'kahin na pyaar hai'.

L'ARTISTE BARBE
Very thick moustaches and well-cropped beard symbolizes them…Although many of them prefer 'Dostoevsky' style. The lips are invariably hidden deep beneath several strata's of facial hair as archeologists later found out…They bloom out only during auspicious times like while consuming food... Khushwant Singh of younger times was a classic example. The stroking of the beard in subtle strokes while talking to the press is considered as unavoidable physical strain for such people. Many a hairy tales were written by such writers simply coz it was frustrating to eat shahi paneer flaked with beard sediments.

AHAMADINEJAD… (P.S. this is not a CAT question, those complete the sequence types)
It is not classical in any sense...Because if that guy wore a check shirt and mundu he could easily pass of as a high school maashu at any school in malapurram...This retro style is slightly unpopular in United States though. In Malayalam lingo we would call it an alavalathi shaji style...

VISUAL BASIC PACKAGE
Most common these days...partly due to lack of hair and primarily due to new improved electric shavers... Important for doctors and IT specialist to give that niche look…Note that it could be fatal as recent studies have shown that most software engineers suffer from irreparable damages on the face due to 'hurry-in-the-morning-shave' syndrome. …Also it is an easy invitation to be called cute, ONLY if you are a Federer or Aamir Khan. Many a politician have tried to portray a clean image using the VB technique but have miserably failed…for example sake the first wonder in the list.

THE POLICE
This is found only in parts of India… Inspired by Bhima of Mahabharata and particularly intended to emphasize the friendly face of the police…I have seen many a policeman humiliated in association meetings for showing a benign face to the general public...In literary circles often used an antonym to the word 'cute'…Most common practitioners are narasimhams and valiyettans …Forest bandits do sport this look for pure academic sake.


KAMAL HAS'NT SHAVED
Not many have managed to capture it on frame, as it is illusionary in nature. As legend says Kamal doesn't recognize himself in the mirror at times. Not surprising why he has to have 10 passports while he was shooting for dasavatharam…I read somewhere Dawood does this too which got him a passport.

And I know what come in the mind …yes..yes..the moustache up there..
Well that is the symbol of impeccable style and glamour... ;-P


P.S. While checking about beards in wikipedia found something under Barber's guide to men's facial hair styles, circa 1900.…. Man it would have been real fun walking the streets in the 1800's… I would have had a hell of a time walking down the streets those days..esp if any mutton chaps or the Pork walked by..
P.P.S Itz Frietag…and itz party zong rammstein ishztyle… :-D
If hu dint like thiz..love thiz… Ich bin threatening you!!!

22 comments:

Philip said...

"alavalathi shaji style"..lol

My style would most accurately be defined as the grazed field, precisely for the reason you mentioned - too lazy to shave.

silverine said...

err this went over my head...but I hate the 5 '0'cock shadow. When I was a kid, my Dad would sneak up behind me, take my hand and brush it against his unshaven cheeks...*ouch* :p Quite a compilation!

Thomas said...

lol!, you sure know how to conjure blog topics out of thin air. By the way, you missed out Muraleedharan's (Karunakaran's son) style of moustache; can't think of any name for it, hehe.

priya said...

Mat,

Just can't stop laughing checking ur post. Good one.

scorpiogenius said...

Didn't you hear the story with Dean Jones landing in trouble because of a beard...All these years of respect and admiration he built up...all vaporised in just a sec; all because of a beard!

to be precise, Hashim Amla's "bird's nest" beard. Poor old Dean Jones thought it would be a nice crack to address him 'terrorist', with millions listening. Well, what to say?

Nobody was amused...
Biiiiiiiiiig controversy...
Even worse, the sacking letter followed...
Lot of explanations for Deany...

Seems as if the graceful batsman's career as a commentator is finished.

All because of a beard..lol..:)))

Sreejith Kumar said...

I simply wonder what all things can make a blog post! Very well written again man...

by an otherwise harmless uncle,

loved it!

Deepti said...

LOL .. whatay compilation!!!

mathew said...

@philip
yeah..i think this is the most common trend these days..

@Anju
that was done by my uncle after the prayer when we had to give the stuthi..hehehe

@thomas
well i have no words for him..he simply is out of the world..he looks like a cross between hitler and charlie chaplin..

@Priya
thanks a lot.. :-)

@scorpengenius
was not aware of this incident..there are too many things in the world we have to be careful abt..

@Sreejith
danke..danke..

@Deepti
thank you!!

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

Awesome compilation. Alavalathi shaji Kalip aayirunnu. I couldn't stop laughing while going over that line. Hats off to u for comin up with simply amazing posts over things that we never tend to lose. Bt i still feel u missed a few. Some already mentioned, bt i felt th mullah style with no mouch bt a flowing beard shd hav also got a small mention.

Neena Padayatty said...

Hey...folks at home were lost at words by the appearance of someone fresh out of law school and ur post gave me the exact definition...alavalathi shaji!.Too good!
p.s The local barber is beaming right now.

Red Soul said...

:))

silverine said...

@Neena: LOL!!!

Nanditha Prabhu said...

you have an art to make others smile:)
no laugh....
good one as usual...
hey, i have done your tag..check out

Superficial Gibbering prater said...

Good Classification..But its a pity that bearded hunks are mistaken for a)ricahrd stalllamn wannabies or b)the devdas-Love failure types or c)This is the worst..villains of flicks like X-Men :(

I think u missed the malayalee "communist karen" Dhaadi in your classification???

VIDYA said...

:) :)hehe

VIDYA said...

i got a lil scared aftr seeing the title of ur post....

:-l some jokes should be banned...

:) :d

g-man said...

if that guy wore a check shirt and mundu he could easily pass of as a high school maashu at any school in malapurram...This retro style is slightly unpopular in United States though

that has to be one of the funniest things i've ever read. after nanoseconds of tiresome thinking, i have come to the conclusion that i am one of those er...'grazed field' types. mainly because my facial hair hasn't quite started to cover more than 15% of my face :|

Confessions of a Born Procrastinator said...

He he... okies... If thou areth jobless, here's a tag for you :

http://yetanotherachievement.blogspot.com/2008/04/thy-haveth-been-tagged.html

Aiswarya said...

What can you not make a topic out of huh? Did you mention charlie chaplin, Adoor Bhasi ans Of couse Naseer some times and oh yea Satyan style. The middle parting between the too. But again, are these too historic huh?
Well written as usual, A very entertaining read!!10 passports for kamal!

usha said...

:D
gud one..

btw, i hear the next best thing for guys after mouches and after shaves is 'exfoliating creams', these days! you planning to write something on that too? since yesterday I've been bumping into guys concerned and worried about blackheads. seriously!

mathew said...

@Abhi
Thank you…and yeah I kept the post short to spare the readers of unhindered blabber..;-P

@Neena
Hehehe..you gonna play a hard battle…I often get called like that by friends..;-S

@Red Soul
:-)

@ Nanditha
Thanks a lot..

@SGP
Hahaha..i should have mentioned X-men!!
Communist Karen thaadi resemble very much the alavalathi shaji look..

@Vidya
;-D

@g-man
Thank you..
‘Grazed field’ is very low maintenance types…hence most sport that I guess…!!

@CBP
Thanks for the tag..but I have already done it two posts down..

@Aiswarya
There are too many styles to be listed out in one post…and it is just that Charlie chaplin look resembles Hitler that makes it a bit scary at the same time..;-P

@Usha
:-o
Ayyo..seems am get out of touch with the new fashion things…for me using a after shave is as far as it gets…and u know what I like after shave smell a lot and often using at as a deo too!!;-D

Caro said...

u truely are blessed in writing blogs..wat better cud i do on a friday aft at work when i have the free time to just read ur blog and laugh my heart out...as regards moustache's i wud go for a clean shaven guy anyday.. ha ha..