Tuesday, January 08, 2008

A Holistic approach to Politics by Dr.Mathew Asparagus SSLC.MA.PhD.MBBS

I often wonder who gave birth to the Politicians…who gave birth to idea of political parties...who first thought about having elections…Have you guys ever thought of such serious problems amidst pondering over other silly questions like ‘What is purpose of life’?

My 9-year-old niece thinks her purpose of life is to run away with Harry Potter and make Idli’s for him. Everyone has got a purpose in life like I know, am destined to be the new messiah of peace in a troubled and simmering world. Even worse, politicians do have a purpose in life as well which they often proclaim during election rallies…

Like recently in a heartfelt speech at an election rally it was the turn of the rural mahila leader who had recently taken an English rapidex course (just to boost her urban image) to explain her purpose…

Dear Brothers and sisters…it is true…it is true that my two sons’ are’ illegitimate’

Amidst sighs of shocked party workers…

‘‘Yes my dear people...they don’t know how to read or write…’

I want them educated and talking to computers…and I want everyone in my village to talk with computers…Aam aadmi ko roti kapada pen drive aur download accelerator...yeh hamara naya nara hein

Only later after party aides revealed to the ‘motherly leader’ did she realize the gaffe…In a later notification to the press, leader Mahamahidevi has clarified that her children were indeed illicit and not illiterate as previously mentioned. While some end their career like this, we have others who refuse to die. Like a famous man who was in ‘general’ ready to step down when order is restored in his country.

Willy old man successfully cheated (hehehe..I can’t stop chuckling when that name comes up) Bush by telling him he will ban Taliban. But who cares about Taliban when its all about elections in the USA…But has anyone bothered about the serious implications of Obama running for the president…

Just think about those senile soda glass American voters who would surely having a tough time figuring out Obama in the ballot paper and in shear horror would vote for any other candidate other than Osama…can you imagine the money insurance companies stand to lose in case of a slight mistype by a Washington post newsprint editor on a bad day.


Catastrophic times dude…there would be riots…Gotta change your name to something more neutral like “Vakkom Vasuettan”

Amidst all talk about politics I had serious issues to sort back home... I have decided to file a complaint against dad for racist comments…a decade or so back when I was playing cricket at the MCG (Muttada cricket Ground) with the Ditto and Jikku...I remember Jikku hollering at me....

’Monkey...go get the ball’

Unable to bear the insult I ran towards Appa and complained…

‘Appa…Jikku is using racist slur on me…he called me a monkey…bwaahahaha....’

‘Donkey!!!...go and start reading your physics text book…hmmm...full time cricket...cricket….wants to become a cricket star…uh….do you wanna see taree zamin par…ehh.’

A extremely offended me finally couldn’t bear it and asked Amma to get a written apology from Appa and slash my ‘expected marks’ for the three upcoming unit tests…The ICC (Innum Chutikaam council) decided to turn a blind eye against those derogatory remarks...But on a global level things were not cooling off that easily. Seeing the disgusting turn of events a politician vented his fury…

“Mere desh vaasiyoon...yeh Australian khiladiyan “rapist” hein…hum yeh kabhi tolerate nahin karenge…Yeh naa insaafi ke virudh mera ek anushodhan yaatra kal Gandhi park mein hogaa…sab log chaaku…pathar...aur kerosene ke saath kripyaa assemble kare..”

Amidst all these the average malayalee isn’t happy just with national politics…they think international or err global… like this incident at a barbershop in Kerala.

An old man dint get his usual manorama/deshabhimani and grabs the Indian express lying on the table…Dude after clearing his throat was sure to impress other naadans looking at the English reading parushkaari*

He mumbles slowly…

Fr…Fr…French presidents are Kozhi**…..

Turning to the other people sitting besides him…

‘Pathetic people...these French…after all isn’t he a president!!’

‘Now the Barber looses his cool and hands the paper to his son who read the headline that was…

French president Sarkozy arrives on a three day state visit.

The old man had a close shave that day and never returned to the barbershop.

You hate it or not... Politics and politicians are part of our life... the silver lining is even though we blame our political parties for all hullabaloo and dirty politicking we have to admit to have the geekiest parties…there is no denial of that...Never wonder our country is doing so good at it …

No one takes IT as seriously as our people do..;-P

*parushkaari~slang word for westernised person

**Kozhi~ chicken


| Balu | said...

lol the barber shop joke reminded me of the joke floated by 'mimicry parade' loooong back!

A supposedly educated person reads the headline in a paper
Kozhikkode kadalakkari manam!
other guy: wat?
(i dont remember wat happens after that.. the headline actually read)
Kozhikode kadal-akramanam

Still searching said...

heheh.. osama is president totally cracked me up.. esp coz ive actually heard people get confused about the name! the pic at the end is too funny! esp the lotus one!

btw, thanks for clarifying whats kozhi!

nimmi said...

sab log chaaku…pathar...aur kerosene ke saath kripyaa assemble kare......He missed out the most imp thing ...da hockey stick ..:))))Hilarious post ....

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! :D

This post reminded me of an 90s classic penned by Srinivasan. It's called Sandesham. My all time favorite!

Nicaraguayile ottagaye puratthaakki kutthaka mudalaaligalaya amerikka oru paavam governmentine shrishticchu. Romaniayilum mattonnalla sambhavicchadu. Germaniye ningal thagarthu. Pakshe vietnamileyum, cambodiayileyum, vadakkan koreayile janangal njangalude aveshamanennu nee mansilakki.

Ividutthe karyam parayumbol enthina anthaarashtriyathilekku odunnadu?

Manushyante katha ella idatthum onnu thanneyaada!

anN-series said...

seen in the news today-an american journalist talks of the american people's criteria for president as 'americans like their leaders to be goodlooking(!?!) and cheerful..we expected women below 30 to vote for hillary as she is charming. to get the votes of women above 30 she needs to be more warm and softspoken'...wow..so pamela anderson shud also contest this election, she can garner all the male american votes...

PS if i read malayalam, i will also find kozhis and killis in the national headlines..

Mishmash ! said...

just dropped a comment but it's disappeared!! hope u havent blocked my ip or something :P

btw that Sarkozy-kozhi joke was a classic one...how did u come up with that...seen only in stage shows or read in "Bobanum Moliyum" :)


Anonymous said...

There is an anachronism in your post.

How can your dad ask you about "Taare zameen par" a decade or so back?

Be glad that someone takes so much trouble to read your posts! :p

Funny post anyway!

silverine said...

That Taare zameen pe retort by your Dad, though ironic was a classic !! :P

Hilarious post!!

silverine said...

I think our generation should tell Amir Khan to change his movie title to Taare Zameen Pe. Bees saal baad ! :)

eljo said...

louwely post! am busy trying to maintain a straight face at work. why do I get the strong feeling that you couldn't remember the hindi work for "assemble" when you wrote the post??? ;-P the word is "ikkatta"

Dhanya said...

Looks like my yesterday's comment was eaten up by BSNL :(

Jithesh said...

Quite a hilarious one! And sarkozy is indeed a "Kozhi"!!!!!!!!!!looking forward to see him (and particularly her) in delhi this republic day!

Nanditha Prabhu said...

enjoyed reading your holistic approach to politics...Dr.Mathew Asparagus, sslc, ma, phd, mbbs.
how do you come up with such classic natural jokes?

mathew said...

hehehe..i know another one..
SB chaavaan chinayil poyyi..

@still searching

thank you..and hockey stick is default..;-P

that scene cracks me up always..:-)

mathew said...

uh..what about telling Deepika Padkoune to stand for elections in india..;-P

i think there is some trouble with my blogspot these days.:-(

thanks for droppin by..poor presence of mind baba..;-P

and yeah am glad enough to see some friends who are bearing enough to read through this..

;-P I knew you would get that one..

Anju,Manju so rhyming..;-P
hindi thodaa thodaa maalum..pandu kore naalu njan madrasil aayirunallo..

blogger behaves so weird with me..:-(


I was slapsticky mood that day after a priyadarshan movie..;-P

Sreejith Kumar said...

Hilarious man! :)) You rock!

Aam aadmi ko roti kapada pen drive aur download accelerator

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

u mean ur niece wants to run away w harry potter's kid .. not harry potter , right ?

chodo mathew , why rake up qns which have no answers ???

Alexis said...

Mats, sorry man, long time didn't visit any of the blogs. Wish you a great 2008.

Nice post as usual and the last joke was really good