Jab we Met

“You are surrounded Mathew... surrender…I repeat surrender!!”

Flashing sirens…SWAT team armed with laser guns arrive at the scene in BMW six series cars. Helicopters hover over the Hamburg cityscape and warnings are issued in television advising people to stay indoors…

The microphone crackles again…

“Put your arms on your tummy and lie down flat on your head...ayyo…I mean put your arm on your head and lie down flat on the ground.”

The media has gathered in full throttle.flash lights..breaking news..every damn thing.

This is Schmidt from CNN reporting live from Hamburg. In an unprecedented incident an unidentified malayalee is keeping hostage 34 people at the Altona fish market. The assailant is reported to be dangerously unarmed.

“Mister Mathew we understand your demands. Your manager has agreed to your demands…Please release the hostages…I repeat please release the hostages.”

The most wanted criminal is somewhat convinced…

“Okay...Okay…On one condition …I don’t want the same manager to do my appraisal next time too.”

“Affirmative…Your manager has also agreed to give a 30% hike in salary as well.”

Few minutes later all the hostages release the captor after he was severely manhandled coz the Chinese toy gun started playing a Christmas carol accidentally on trigger.

*Flashback over…*

Most people assume software engineers to be boring uncreative geeks who don’t have anything remotely entertaining to do in office…But then they probably don’t know anything about the annual ritual called appraisals when these geeks turn into psychics like you saw above…Typically occurring in November it’s a time when employees sit with their bosses in discussion rooms and start bragging about themselves trying to prove why he is the best possible ‘resource’ who walked on earth..

Nowadays I find this ritual as an opportunity to make up the most creative lie ever said…

Manager’s typical appraisal cross-question

“What value addition have you done in the project for the current cycle?”

“I have been the critical resource who saved the project in crunch situations meeting deadlines and providing deliverables to the best of customer satisfaction and delight.”

Manager notes it down in his lappie…”wow...nice one...I think I ll say the same for my appraisal”

“Okay….so where do you see yourself 5 years from now...”

“dumbo...what does he think. I ll say Canary Islands...eh”

“I expect myself to grow with the company and reach a position in sync with my profile, add value to the company’s vision and uphold the mission statements to the best of my abilities”

“Mind boggling …What doest that mean”

“It means that coffee is getting cold…Cant you see how hard it was to make up that”

“Okay…what role change do you expect in the current cycle?”

“Personally based on my stupefying skills and path breaking profile. I would see myself to be appointed as the CEO of the company...but I can settle for less just for the time being…I ll go with the post of Senior delivery manager’

“Are you asking that you be made the boss of my boss’s boss!! ..”

“Not a penny less”

By this time the manager is making mental notes about the person sitting across, who is as well making notes of how far he can stretch his boss. As in any boss-employee relation the external adoration is inversely proportional to internal hatred.

“Well let’s talk about client satisfaction. How do you rate yourself?”

“See boss…last week I made nice egg pakodas and served em for the clients out there...My client manager was admitted to the intensive care unit and is now in life support systems…But on a positive side it is in line with out company motto ...Living on the edge ”

Few minutes later I was escorted out of the room…The manager shook my hands and gave me the visiting cards of the best mental care institutes in the country…But it was too late and the inevitable happened as explained in the beginning..


So the next time I am having a appraisal I go with a nicely packed box of apples in one hand and a gun in the other...I ll choose what to give when I come out…I swear!!