Sunday, November 18, 2007

Jab we Met

You are surrounded Mathew... surrender…I repeat surrender!!”

Flashing sirens…SWAT team armed with laser guns arrive at the scene in BMW six series cars. Helicopters hover over the Hamburg cityscape and warnings are issued in television advising people to stay indoors…

The microphone crackles again…

“Put your arms on your tummy and lie down flat on your head...ayyo…I mean put your arm on your head and lie down flat on the ground.”

The media has gathered in full throttle.flash lights..breaking news..every damn thing.

This is Schmidt from CNN reporting live from Hamburg. In an unprecedented incident an unidentified malayalee is keeping hostage 34 people at the Altona fish market. The assailant is reported to be dangerously unarmed.

“Mister Mathew we understand your demands. Your manager has agreed to your demands…Please release the hostages…I repeat please release the hostages.”

The most wanted criminal is somewhat convinced…

“Okay...Okay…On one condition …I don’t want the same manager to do my appraisal next time too.”

Affirmative…Your manager has also agreed to give a 30% hike in salary as well.”

Few minutes later all the hostages release the captor after he was severely manhandled coz the Chinese toy gun started playing a Christmas carol accidentally on trigger.

*Flashback over…*

Most people assume software engineers to be boring uncreative geeks who don’t have anything remotely entertaining to do in office…But then they probably don’t know anything about the annual ritual called appraisals when these geeks turn into psychics like you saw above…Typically occurring in November it’s a time when employees sit with their bosses in discussion rooms and start bragging about themselves trying to prove why he is the best possible ‘resource’ who walked on earth..

Nowadays I find this ritual as an opportunity to make up the most creative lie ever said…

Manager’s typical appraisal cross-question

“What value addition have you done in the project for the current cycle?”

“I have been the critical resource who saved the project in crunch situations meeting deadlines and providing deliverables to the best of customer satisfaction and delight.”

Manager notes it down in his lappie…”wow...nice one...I think I ll say the same for my appraisal

“Okay….so where do you see yourself 5 years from now...”

“dumbo...what does he think. I ll say Canary Islands...eh”

“I expect myself to grow with the company and reach a position in sync with my profile, add value to the company’s vision and uphold the mission statements to the best of my abilities”

“Mind boggling …What doest that mean”

“It means that coffee is getting cold…Cant you see how hard it was to make up that”

“Okay…what role change do you expect in the current cycle?”

“Personally based on my stupefying skills and path breaking profile. I would see myself to be appointed as the CEO of the company...but I can settle for less just for the time being…I ll go with the post of Senior delivery manager’

“Are you asking that you be made the boss of my boss’s boss!! ..”


“Not a penny less”

By this time the manager is making mental notes about the person sitting across, who is as well making notes of how far he can stretch his boss. As in any boss-employee relation the external adoration is inversely proportional to internal hatred.

Well let’s talk about client satisfaction. How do you rate yourself?”

“See boss…last week I made nice egg pakodas and served em for the clients out there...My client manager was admitted to the intensive care unit and is now in life support systems…But on a positive side it is in line with out company motto ...Living on the edge

Few minutes later I was escorted out of the room…The manager shook my hands and gave me the visiting cards of the best mental care institutes in the country…But it was too late and the inevitable happened as explained in the beginning..


So the next time I am having a appraisal I go with a nicely packed box of apples in one hand and a gun in the other...I ll choose what to give when I come out…I swear!!

28 comments:

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

It was an awesome opening! For a second i thot u were apprehended for stealing the French beauties! Anywys its a senti story @ the end with al braggin abt their uselessness! I thot achayan's were good @ braggin! Bt u proved otherwise! Good post!

Prasoon said...

awesome one..
I have my "living on the edge" bit today. Wondering what do I take - I brought neither apples not the guns and rated myself an A in all three tasks. I was in wonderland then i suppose when I did the self appraisal.. :|

Ah btw, I shall blog my experience but may not be as good as yours :D

usha said...

hey my manager sounds just like ur manager! mebbe they're twins who got seperated at some kumbh mela :D

wonder how these folks always manage to have a consistent behavior across their tribe? :o

VIDYA said...

:-d

ap said...

..In addition to that we have a goal setting part in appraisal\!!! God knows what happened to my last years goal!!!!!

PS: Note to Silverine....hope u dont turn out like the foresaid manager...

Mishmash ! said...

Good for my morning dose of humor on a dull monday morning...as always a classic one :)

Shn

alakananda said...

no wonder u lost it. let us know what u use the next time. the guns or the rose err i mean the apples. :))

mathew said...

@Abhi
hahaha..that was a good idea though..yeah unfortunately am bad at it,..got to revive old skills again..;-P

@Prasoon
I think all of us do the same..lookin forward to ur experiences..:-)

@Usha
Lol!!..they thrive on our hatred..eh..;-P

@Vidya
:-P

@ap
Goals are afterall meant to be broken;-P

@Mishmash
thanks..btw the mornings are horribly dull here as well!!! :-(

@Alakananda
hehehe..yeah u can check the papers for the murder columns..;-P

silverine said...

I do this all the time!! How do you think I get n hike at all? Through hard work? sheesh you are so naive!! psssst a sawn off shot gun works best! And if you cant get a shot gun, lacing the apples with cyanide works just as well.


@AP: I have this secret weapon called 'weekly review'. Spreads the pain real thin "and" people still like me! :p

Adorable Pancreas said...

Poisoned apples like in Snow White? :P

anN-series said...

Hilarious post!!
I came up with an answer similiar to ur answer to 'where do u see urself 5 yrs from now' at a job interview where the only thing that i was focussing on was the chocochip muffins lying at the interviewer's table.(no wonder they hvnt got back to me yet!!)

Somya said...

wow what appraisal session hah...ur replies were damn smart...lol...I never realised that s/w engineer have their apraisal conducted in such an interesting manner...ours are more like a contest of who can throw max. management jargons at the other person. Hilarious post!

Zee said...

thank god appraisals happen only once a yr. i can't take formal criticism more than once. it takes me a yr to get over it just in time for the next appraisal.

though in my new company, last week i had a "one month appraisal" with my super boss which was to be confidential and just a chat on problems faced etc and by the evening was pulled up by my immediate boss and given a lecture on the supposed confidential issues! phew!!!

so do let me know where u planning to buy the apples from....i shall need them too....

Cinderella. said...

LOL...Mathew...!!!
I come up here like after ages and find this hillarious post awaiting me.
Defintely changed my idea about boring S/W proffesionals who kniw nothing more than punching codes day in and out.
They are definitely a talented lot....I mean heck, if they can take hostages for appraisals, then they definitely have something going with themselves....lol !!!!
See ya at moi page.
Take care.

Jackfruit said...

As an engineer I agree appraisals are real fun, more than even Team meeting ... :-D

"Dilbert" has become double fun since I started working.
Nice blog :-)

Ajith said...

Seriously, this goal setting exercise in appraisal has irritated me a lot.. i think i regularly rotate keywords like "proactive , exemplery, holistic development , team play , versatile" etc and formulate different goals :)

crumbs said...

:D
my ego needs a little boost now, so how would u feel if I told you that inmy performance review, I told my boss, that I am not sure if I wanna continue with the company :D. This AFTER he offered me my raise.
yeah, I worked for pretty desperate people, yes :D :D

hiralious post, but haven't I said that here before? :)

Alexis said...

Mats, that was a really hilarious post. Made me remember some of the appraisals I had. The answers were just fantastic :-)

eljo said...

Hi Mathew,

Been a silent lurker all this while. You have a great blog here. Your posts always bring a smile to my face. Keep up the great work!

Sreejith said...

'put your arms on the tummy'... lol... ayyo i was putting my hands on my tummy as i read this :))

silverine said...

p.s forgot to mention in the welling hatred for appraisals that this was a hilarious post :)

mathew said...

@Anjali
Lol!!i know know..;-P
@AP
dont listen to them..the managers..they may try to divert you...listen to the brotherhood..managers are evil..;-P

@Adorable pancreas
hehehe..exactly..;-P

@ann series
hehehe..yeah..i often wonder why the best food goes to the interviewer!!;-P

@Somya
well those sessions are really interesting..its like a close second to election promises made by politicians..

@Zee
the rule number one is never to listen to your manager..rule number two is to hate them to ur fullfillment!!

mathew said...

@cinderella
thanks..and nice to see u blogging again..

@Jackfruit
hahha..yeah..infact sometime i check how much close my manager is to Dilbert all the time..;-P

@Ajith
3 years man..3 long years..i have been doin this..

@crumbs
hahaha..infact i did the same this time..i told him i wanted higher studies and blah blah...

@Alexis
hehehe..i should remember am talking to a veteran here..guess u should write a blog on ur experiences there.

@eljo
thanks a lot..its sure a nice feeling to know that i have silent readers...gracias..

@Sreejith
thanks dude!!:-)

@Anju
:-) danke danke..

silverine said...

"managers are evil"

Just put your manager in your situation in the hostage drama. Scary isnt it? heh heh *malevolent smile*

Now that gives me an idea!!! Watch out for the news tomorrow. Thanks! :p

Nanditha Prabhu said...

we are having the same situation here! my hubby was given a trophy and certificate for the performsnce ..all drama .. but no appraisal!

Still searching said...

lol!!! by far the funniest appraisal i've ever seen, and believe me, i've seen some real amusing stories about performance, customer satisfaction etc etc! lol!

Alameen said...

hahha..
I am so lucky to have good appraisals all the time..

Well I too had bad ones in the beginning.. Wait n see my blog.. :)

Cheers

Aiswarya said...

Your are a nutta. you cant have said that!!! Egg bondas, your weekness eh!!