Sunday, October 29, 2006

neo-realistic cooking!!

Long long ago there is used to be good food...good wine...and the familiar burp that signaled the finale of a sumptuous meal...now it sounds like one of those fairy tales...my experiments with truth is taking its toll…

Due to certain unforeseen circumstances I have begun to cook...am not talking about a silly tea or lowly omelets…am talking about real full fledged meals...in all grandeur and decoration. I proudly declare that I have become a Melam certified culinary professional (MCCP)... Mind it the Microsoft certificates are not in vogue these days!!

Now something for guys who ever thought cooking was difficult. It aint anymore. Introducing to you the new cook from Bavaria…”Korah”… Bringing exotic dishes from germanipuram and hamburgpur….You can tune in for the live video telecast in CNN ..@ Korah King live…or in ABC @ Desperate cooks!!

After cut throat research and analysis using the latest software’s, I found out what really irks us is that the cooking guide book says...put salt to taste... For god sake why don’t they write like this...

1) Take a beaker and empty the salt packet in it.
2) Measure 15 mg of salt using a electronic weighing machine
3) Transfer it to the vessel in which we are cooking.

That makes life a lot easier for us...So next time I write a cook book you can expect a better deal. And the dish for the day is finkenwerder pork dipped in Maui Mango BBQ Sauce …and a full course meal that goes with it...

The following is version 1.1 of the gastronomic delight...Its exotic coz it tastes a lot different from conventional dishes and has the extraordinary ability to test the limit of your organs...neways just like in old chemistry record book, here it goes..

Materials required. Pork..1+ 1 kilo... (The extra kilo is to compensate due to high probability that the dish might get over burned)
Onion (as much as u can get)
Meat masala (buy only melam..please..am its brand ambassador.. :-))
Oil..(cooking oil..not kerosene if any americans read my blog)

Guess this will do..In case we need anything more I ll say in later stages.

Make cubes of 1.5 cm * 1.5 cm by cutting the meat and keep it aside..Raw meat can be really yucky..u can wear gloves if u are allergic..
Start cutting onions..Place the knife at an angle of 45 degree on the outer contour of the onion and start iterative to and fro motions along with a simultaneous lateral movement at a speed of 1 mm every 2.5 seconds... Stop when it really starts irritating the eyes and you cant bear any further the emotional outpour that is overwhelming now.

Get some ginger garlic and green chilly...Slice it if u are really interested...Now mix the masala with the meat ...
Measure 200 ml of oil in a beaker and heat it in some vessel that is near where you are standing..
Put the onions..garlic and stuff and move out of the kitchen for a while..Unless you want to cough for a long long time...Its safer to keep the windows open unless you want to get killed by aroma poisoning.

Come back after catching up with the latest Gwen Stefani song in MTV.

Don’t be surprised if u don’t find anything in the vessel. The mix might have just got burnt and vanished in thin air...in such a scenario , you have no choice but to do the same process again …Now put the meat and some water in the mix..Add salt if you want...Neways it aint going to make a big difference...

Its time to relax after the exhaustive procedure. Come back to the kitchen whenever u feel like..And the delicious finkenwerder pork is ready!!..You can pat yourself on the back and appreciate the aroma of the exotic dish you have just made..So after that put some rice in the pressure cooker..and heat it up with water ..Stop it when u hear some whistle or something(it sounds like when a eve teaser has to whistle at a score at the same time)..And finally make some pappads to complete the grand meal..The pappad may look brown and burnt..but they are really tasty and nutritious..

Finally the part that’s really important..Decorate the dish…put some unused tomato or green chillies around the plates..grab any leaf that’s popping near your window at home..dip it in water to make it look clean and the keep it in the plate along with the tomatoes..Keep as many forks and knives you have at home around the plate to make it look chic...

If the dish you have made looks something like below then you have cleared the beginner level of my certification programme.






Ladies and gentlemen .the dish is ready and it makes a awesome meal for guest coming at your place. Guaranteed that they never be back home again. :-)

Statutory warning
Its always safer to try the dish on someone else in first attempt. Don’t panic if the consumer shows any distorts in the face or convulsions. Its part of the package..That gives the person a wholesome experience of culinary delight!

P.S I couldn’t help writing this after I made a meal and it was duly relished by a Brazilian who dropped at home at the right (this usage is debatable) time!!

mm..Not seen him in office off late!!

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

That food looks yummy!
I will finish it in a minute!

Anonymous said...

*standing applause*

Bravo, the dinner looks very warm and welcoming. Hope you served it with a Red wine to compliment the taste :)

p.s. I thought I was reading about the Battle of Waterloo for a moment LOL This performance deserves a Param Veer Chakra, for extraordinary bravery in the face of grave danger (from dangerous fumes) and victory despite all odds (of a guy cooking) :)

You should have put a disclaimer in the end that no animals except the Pork and the cook were unharmed during the making of this dish :p

Good effort. Congratulations!!!

RandomThoughts said...

mmmmmmmmm.... looks delicious! Great work! How did it taste? Worth all the effort?

Rashmi

Alexis Leon said...

Nice one Mats. really enjoyed reading it.

Anonymous said...

Looks So "Kothippikking"... Beer inu thottu kootaan entha ullennu alochichirikkumbolaanu yevane kaanunnathu.. Huh.. Vaayeennu Vellams...

Welcome to the club of "Nalan's".*clap clap* Its nice to cook buddy, if you enjoy it. And more ppl turn to cooking once they go out.

Advice: Try avoiding recipes and improvise on your own. Then you will get a chance to make ppl's eyes and asses watery ;)

mathew said...

@mallus

yeah..it "looks" :)

@silverine

Lol!!apt disclaimer to go with..
it was indeed a battle..but the sacrifices comes after the battle...waiting for the after effects.. :)

and yeah red wine was there!!

@randomthoughts

yeah..it was quite good..i have alternative profession in the making!!

@Alexis

Hey want to see more of your old tales..esp the CET ones!!

@dhanush

looks like a advice from a seasoned campaigner..So how many "rakthasaakshees" have u experimented on!!.. :)

am expecting a dwindling population in germany!!

How do we know said...

Wow.. Germany has given you an awesome sense of humour!!! the dish looks deceptively edible! Congratulations!!!

Jiby said...

lol....that was hilarious...especially the MCCP!

Man that erachi looks so mouth-watering and that chilly and tomato you placed makes it even more exotic...good job!

Anonymous said...

I have linked your blog with mine. Hope that's okay!

Anonymous said...

@how do you know: "the dish looks deceptively edible!" ROFL

@Mathew:I forgot to mention that since you used 200 ml of oil you might as well reserve two seats on the way back home. I don't think you will fit in one :p

starry nights said...

Mathew..I think you are starting to learn to cook and doing very well.The dishe you prepared looks good including the green chilli as a garnish.

Velu Nair said...

Awww!! I wouldnt blame the Brazilian, if that dish looked anything like the one in the picture!!
:o
Poor thing! Must have swallowed it all in a hurry, only to realise the implications a bit later...
:):o :D ;)

Priyankari said...

Grt that u can cook well. Though it's not the fear that keeps me back from it, I actually am too impatient to stand infront of the oven for long. But the picture makes it look delicious. Keep up the good work!

MellowDrama said...

Bloody hell, you COOK and how! Lol I take it this is a variant of Sorptel (which I have probably spelt apallingly) SLURP!!!!!!!! Man I love that dish..dead impressed tho with your culinary skillz

Rai said...

A delicious read:-)

Anonymous said...

Wah! What a taste! :P

This was a gem!

Oil..(cooking oil..not kerosene if any americans read my blog)

Loved this Matts! =))

Anonymous said...

LOL! hilarious. do have some courtesy to ask the brazilian how his tummy has been of late. all my sympathies with him/her. I never knew u were a master cook. but for sure am not going to accept your invitation to dinner at your place ever for the sake of my tummy.

P.S has Microsoft come to know about your certificate course? watch out for their quote to give it their name

mathew said...

@how dow we know

nice take..
and u call my plight humorous..(growling)!!!. :-)

@Jiby

interested in being the guinea pig ..am testing my pork on various applications!!hehehe..

@mallu films

with pleasure.. :-)

@silverine

Lol!!..that was purrfect motivation!! :-P


@starry nights

Yeah..I used to cook some time back when i was in college..This is my second run after a sabbatical!!..

mathew said...

@Velu

Yeah..be wary of any economic sanction by the brazilian government against India..i expect a big outlash.:)

@priyankari

I had all the patience and still.... :-P

@mellowdrama

Dead impressed..hehehe..yeah it can be fatal for consumption!!

@Rai

Thanx a lot..
Hope no one tries out this recipie!! :D

@Sreejith

Am still alive and kicking..and able to reply the comments..so it means it has been a huge success!!!

@Amu

Oh yeah..He is still battling for life!!hehehe!!

priya said...

That was so sweet:-)) Its always good to eat home food with our own way of mixing whatz left in the pot.

Anonymous said...

Re: Mathew

This has been a success, yes. So many comments and replies to all! LOL...

By the way, didn't you tell Blogger that you went to Germany? It keeps showing Mysore, Karnataka as your location.... :P

Suji said...

LOL. The poor Brazilian. And ofcourse, poor u....since u ve to eat it everyday.

jac said...

matt;
LMAO !!!!

To hell with Cholesterol, give me a piece please !!!

Shakhi said...

LOL!:-)
You really had me laughing like crazy! It was really good.
The food looks delicious too!:-)

mathew said...

@priya

really..its gratifying inspite of the mess I make!!

@Sreejith

oh yeah..neways i havent permanently relocated..so it holds good!!

@Suji

hehehehe..thnx for the pity!!

@Jac

U got insurance..eh??

@Shakhi

Yeah..it "looks..full stop.. :)

Neha said...

Man!!This post made ma laugh so much that people in ma office were actually wondering if me alright or not :D
One thing is for sure, I am just not going to accept ur dinner invitations...no matter how much u plead! :D

Natasha said...

Can't stop laughing :D