All those goofy corporate Jargon……

“Folks...We are ramping up the team and will be developing competencies catering to our clients…Guys...Lets gear ourselves for the work coming our way...Remember customer is the king!!”


Sounds familiar eh??? Yeah all Boss’s sound the same...the same iterative boring and suffocating lingo!! Two years in IT, I have learnt an entirely new language...The language of the glitzy chic rarified saaftware engineer! My “ayyos” (no exact translation but vaguely resembles “sigh”) and “ente ammachi” (“oh...My grandma” said like “blistering barnacles”) got replaced by “oops” and “ouch”!!

“Eh...rocking dude!!.Me gonna chill in pub this weekend!!”

I would have barely understood that 3 years back...Neways lemme (“oops” another of my new words...Oh still again) not digress from what I intent to write…Just curious to mention few jargon I have come across in recent years...


Competency

“The quality of being adequately or well qualified physically and intellectually”…yeah that’s what the dictionary says…No big deal man. It’s just that you should be competent to bluff on anything that comes your way say molecular biology or rocket science...You should have learned by now not to say “nay” to any job that comes your way…that’s competency... you just need to be have the bones to lie!!

Employee number

Oh...So you thought you were some big shot guy whose name would figure in the Forbes one day...Kidding eh??
Unless you are a Bill Gates or a Dell, you would in all probability be addressed all your life by that sweet romantic personal “employee number”. Poor you...Even crooks/thieves/robbers have stylish names. Visit any prison you will find a “Kaliya the one-eyed” or Al Capone or a “jack the ripper” but not a convict number 456!!

Client Visit

Okay. This is something really serious...this aint any laughing matter...You put your best dress that day...Shave your stubble that might have become unfashionable by then and try to look genius (even if you are otherwise)..All those Keira Knightley and Johnny Depp wallpapers become Windows XP or “Stonehenge”...You find people actually come to office at eight in the morning. You never knew that...Isn’t??...Lol!!...The client is given a rotten root of some old dying tree. Sure it’s given a nice varnish coating and a title...”Soul of Arising India”… Happy and satisfied he flies back home….Next year he comes again and checks out how big the little plant he had planted last time has grown!!

Onsite

This is what it’s all about... That yonder dream of every code monkey...Its tough man. It needs all those good rapport with the boss...Talent to pretend to be busy…huge luck...And a little hard work!!! And you come back offshore and tell those mighty heavenly tales of nice times in Switzerland…Basically a place to dance to the tunes of your client and get that extra dough…And your Mom can finally say..”Oh...My son is in UK... He is a big shot out there”

DJ Night

DJ Pappu going to enthrall crowds!!!..Woosh comes the mail with those colorful backgrounds…Another Pappu/Tikku/mikku/Sick you!! All jobless guys/gals come and shake your legs and pretend to have a gala time... Weary people drink the potions called coke or Pepsi and come to office next day rejuvenated!!!junta sometime gets a date in hospital due to convolution of limbs that in turn was caused by excessive gyrations of party geeks!!

Bench

Sort of paradise for people who love to be busy without work... A time to increase top scores in your mobile. Start new hobbies like Solitaire and Pinball…Have coffee meetings more often and know colleagues “better”…Maybe write a book “100 ways to kill time”…Okay for girls , appreciating the embroidery of the latest Salwar-kameez in town.. This time is supposedly a time to reflect back on the past and anticipate the future. Though I usually fall asleep while reflecting back…!!

Manager

Okay... to those who have read till here I ll just finish of the list by mentioning the Morpheus in your official life. The list otherwise gets bigger and bigger…Believe me your boss is true always…All those silly jokes he cracks are actually hilarious...Don’t stop laughing until you are short of breath... Never ever feel free to question your boss... That’s the cardinal sin of all times...Okay and finally when your boss tells you to work on weekends you actually should beam a face as if u just got an ice-cream!!!

So folks...Today’s knowledge sharing session is over. ..Next team building sessions are to be configured as per requirements. Meet you all at the conference room next week to decide on the future course of action…Eh….am sounding like one of em!!!! :)