Monday, August 21, 2006

All those goofy corporate Jargon……

















“Folks...We are ramping up the team and will be developing competencies catering to our clients…Guys...Lets gear ourselves for the work coming our way...Remember customer is the king!!”


Sounds familiar eh??? Yeah all Boss’s sound the same...the same iterative boring and suffocating lingo!! Two years in IT, I have learnt an entirely new language...The language of the glitzy chic rarified saaftware engineer! My “ayyos” (no exact translation but vaguely resembles “sigh”) and “ente ammachi” (“oh...My grandma” said like “blistering barnacles”) got replaced by “oops” and “ouch”!!

“Eh...rocking dude!!.Me gonna chill in pub this weekend!!”

I would have barely understood that 3 years back...Neways lemme (“oops” another of my new words...Oh still again) not digress from what I intent to write…Just curious to mention few jargon I have come across in recent years...


Competency

“The quality of being adequately or well qualified physically and intellectually”…yeah that’s what the dictionary says…No big deal man. It’s just that you should be competent to bluff on anything that comes your way say molecular biology or rocket science...You should have learned by now not to say “nay” to any job that comes your way…that’s competency... you just need to be have the bones to lie!!

Employee number

Oh...So you thought you were some big shot guy whose name would figure in the Forbes one day...Kidding eh??
Unless you are a Bill Gates or a Dell, you would in all probability be addressed all your life by that sweet romantic personal “employee number”. Poor you...Even crooks/thieves/robbers have stylish names. Visit any prison you will find a “Kaliya the one-eyed” or Al Capone or a “jack the ripper” but not a convict number 456!!

Client Visit

Okay. This is something really serious...this aint any laughing matter...You put your best dress that day...Shave your stubble that might have become unfashionable by then and try to look genius (even if you are otherwise)..All those Keira Knightley and Johnny Depp wallpapers become Windows XP or “Stonehenge”...You find people actually come to office at eight in the morning. You never knew that...Isn’t??...Lol!!...The client is given a rotten root of some old dying tree. Sure it’s given a nice varnish coating and a title...”Soul of Arising India”… Happy and satisfied he flies back home….Next year he comes again and checks out how big the little plant he had planted last time has grown!!

Onsite

This is what it’s all about... That yonder dream of every code monkey...Its tough man. It needs all those good rapport with the boss...Talent to pretend to be busy…huge luck...And a little hard work!!! And you come back offshore and tell those mighty heavenly tales of nice times in Switzerland…Basically a place to dance to the tunes of your client and get that extra dough…And your Mom can finally say..”Oh...My son is in UK... He is a big shot out there”

DJ Night

DJ Pappu going to enthrall crowds!!!..Woosh comes the mail with those colorful backgrounds…Another Pappu/Tikku/mikku/Sick you!! All jobless guys/gals come and shake your legs and pretend to have a gala time... Weary people drink the potions called coke or Pepsi and come to office next day rejuvenated!!!junta sometime gets a date in hospital due to convolution of limbs that in turn was caused by excessive gyrations of party geeks!!

Bench

Sort of paradise for people who love to be busy without work... A time to increase top scores in your mobile. Start new hobbies like Solitaire and Pinball…Have coffee meetings more often and know colleagues “better”…Maybe write a book “100 ways to kill time”…Okay for girls , appreciating the embroidery of the latest Salwar-kameez in town.. This time is supposedly a time to reflect back on the past and anticipate the future. Though I usually fall asleep while reflecting back…!!

Manager

Okay... to those who have read till here I ll just finish of the list by mentioning the Morpheus in your official life. The list otherwise gets bigger and bigger…Believe me your boss is true always…All those silly jokes he cracks are actually hilarious...Don’t stop laughing until you are short of breath... Never ever feel free to question your boss... That’s the cardinal sin of all times...Okay and finally when your boss tells you to work on weekends you actually should beam a face as if u just got an ice-cream!!!

So folks...Today’s knowledge sharing session is over. ..Next team building sessions are to be configured as per requirements. Meet you all at the conference room next week to decide on the future course of action…Eh….am sounding like one of em!!!! :)

31 comments:

Neers said...

struck home!! absolutely!! esp,when you do not grow up in a cosmo... :) very well done... this one! and merci monsieur, for kind words! :)

jac said...

You are !!

b v n said...

right on target dude !! that was an awesome post ....i've never seen this bench...wanna be on bench for some time..just to collect my thoughts...and onsite...thats a shangrilla of losers...mighty losers...think your post is pretty short...why not a 2nd and 3rd part !! think we missed the canteen boy - only person in the office who knows what he's doing...LOL !!

starry nights said...

when your boss tells you to work on weekends you actually should beam a face as if u just got an ice-cream!! dont know about that matthew.nice post though.Thanks for sharing this knowledge

Rose said...

~laughs~

One and a half year of corporate life and I am still sticking to my 'Aiyyo's and 'Enda Ammachi's..

LOL... :D

Guess I'll always be a country mallu..

;)))

..Me

Jiby said...

amazingly true... man u just reaffirmed why i will never go back to coding even if i have to starve!!!

u should add in a word about the entire freakin software lifecycle, deadlines and business analysts who dont have a single clue about the difficulties of implementing their whimsical requirements and capabilities.

superb post...cud so well identify with everything u wrote.

Alexis Leon said...

Great post. I really could identify with all you have written. It also shows that nothing has changed in the last 15 years ;-)

mathew said...

@neers

Lol!!small town kid..!! ;)
thanx for droppin by..

@Jac

;)

@bvn

yeah tats tough!! ;) but u get get used to it!!
moi in bench for past 2-3 months..should defintely add up more,am jobless here..btw we have self service here..not even a canteen boy!! ;)

@starrynights

mathew said...

@Rose

high fives..nice to see people of the same ilk!!! ;)

@Jiby

ha..am seeing another of those frustrated folks.. ;)
am suffocating in here man!!

@Alexis

Oh.. i thought it was better off 15 year before..

Neers said...

not crap!! and a good take...intelligent guessing has taken us to those few marks... which made all the difference! so, i know, what you saying! :)

aqua said...

'Kewl Dude.. Kewl' 'Chekkan pani pattichu' .. Client Satisfaction, Error Mitigation, Causal Analysis, Root Cause Analysis, Fish-bone diagrams, Defect Analysis, Quality Assurance.. blah blah and another blah!! Meeting at Conference Room-3A.. I was always a late comer!! Comments on 'Onsite' - Wonderful.
Njan ivide vannathinte pinnile kahani enikke ariyooo!!!

Velu Nair said...

This was one fun post. I dont have much of a clue as to the kind of work environment of the IT people, except from what I have heard a few of my friends say. But I guess I can relate to all that u said, just as anybody else could!

And btw, u have been tagged!
What better time to take it up, other than now, when u confess to being a bit bogged down by the corporate jargon!

:)

Shakhi said...

LOL!real cool one, more so because I could or may be many would be so easily identify with what u have written...
real fun post..enjoyed it throughly.

Hiren said...

Very interesting. Especially the last one. The boss will always remain right I guess. I would put passion alongside competence.

kickassso said...

lol the link you left had ne wondering if it was mathew, the evangelist who graced my blog .... guess not :P

Btw, am sitting at home waiting to join the league of malayali saftware inginears ... but lotsa back papers holding me back !

SilenceKilled said...

Great :)

Wild Reeds said...

Funny :-)

Kurur said...

2 years in India's most jargon-friendly environment has made you one among them!

mathew said...

@neers

;)hehehe!!!

@Aqua

kahani ariyaan oru agraham!! ;)
I have some kinda allergy towards these words..hehehe!!

@Velu

thanks man..nice to see outsiders knowing our plight as well!!
Sure will take up the tag..looks interesting!!

@Shakhi

thanks buddy!!..its nice to see many peple in the same boat!! ;)

mathew said...

@Hiren

Boss is always right is an universal law..I wish I l be a boss sometime..!!! ;)

@Kickassso

thanx for droppin by!!.join the club!!..cool name u have!!

@Silencekilled

Thanks for visiting the blog!!
Ur blog looks intersting..Lemme take a look..

@wildreeds

Thanx for droppin by!! ;)

@Kurur

yeah..like they say in movie..

I have become part of the syste,..sigh!!!

Kurur said...

You should take a look at the following URL.

http://www.fightthebull.com/bullfighter.asp

This software download in the link was developed by Deloitte! It tracks and eliminates jargon (read Bullshit) from your documents. Quite a useful tool isnt it?

lash said...

on behalf of the million sufferers i take this opportunity to thank you for reminding us of our horrendous plight in this cranky cubicle...! sadly the voice lingers on and the pains in those parts which i dont wish to name lingers too :)) brilliant post buddy.

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

heeee heee heeee ....

lucky me .. i get thru the day by sleeping .. any jargons valid ????

How do we know said...

Bang On!

You have successfully developed the competence to be considered for the enhanced role of the Corporate Documentation Officer.. aka The MInute recording Executive aka The Pappu!

mathew said...

@Kurur

:) ..tools they make these days!!

@Lash

Thanx mate!!! ;)

@Deepa

that is my last resort as well!! :)

@How do we know

hehe..gracias gracias..i accept it!!

indianadoc said...

Cool!! btw r u still in the same job?!!Your boss is blessed!!

Neha said...

You are one of em buddy!Accept it!!

Anonymous said...

Wow!.. YOu have actually vented all your frustration and yet come up with one rocking hilarious post.!
Cool One.!
Thanks for your visit, my friend.. Shall come peeping often in here..

With Best Regards,
Srijith Unni.

Priyankari said...

nice one buddy! could relate much coz am in the corporate world too. God! i guess am using the same jargons!
Nyways, laughed a lot(at ur post coz it was humorous, and at my fate...is it ill/well...well, that's for the boss to decide:))

Nero said...

that was F.U.N.D.O.O.!!
I'll be another one using those fancy words a couple years from now and the thought makes me sick even now :D

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