Saturday, November 14, 2009

A game plan !

Mike and Gill went up the hill…
To fetch a completed stadium
Mike fell down and screwed his plan…
And Gill came tumbling after…

Now Mike did laugh and Gill did cry
But his tears soon abate;
Then Gill did say that they should play
At see-saw across the New Delhi gate.


~ excerpt from a nursery rhyme yet to be published.

Some time ago we saw our Prathibhajee doing a Patel pose at the courtyards of Buckingham palace with Elizabeth rajnee in what was arguably a very antique pair of national leaders holding the commonwealth games baton...Though we all wished the queen had given us back the Kohinoor diamond as a token of appreciation, she excused herself and instead offered us kidney pies and a free tour of the palace in a horse carriage which was lying unused at the Windsor stables…And as the ceremony took place we all saw Kalmadiji looking visibly tense pondering over the pace of construction back home…Damn the media for being critical of him!! Losers!! He was later seen shouting furiously over the phone to the bhai at the apparent lacksidal pace at which his villa in Pune was getting in shape. A concerned man indeed!!

Amidst all fennell seeds of distrust which seems to haunt Kalmadiji, we think the games are right on track…After all this is a event to showcase the rising India…Now the commonwealth games is actually a pretty serious event where we have to fight for medals with countries of fine sporting traditions like Vanuatu, Tuvalu, Samoa and of course the dark horse Tokelau. Though the first guffaw is already out when a athlete from Samoa was send a email by a sleepy games official confirming his participation…which went like …”It’s our honor to welcome an athlete from our ally Kingdom of Samosa…” Apparently the clergy is also up on their toes after news gained prominence that India would be welcoming three saints during the event…Special evening prayers are already in place in anticipation of the blessed arrival of St Helena, St Kitts, St Lucia and ofcoz not to mention Saint Vincent and his Grenadines…Personally am looking forward to athletes from Niue, Jersey and Isle of Man as I am not yet convinced that they are not fictional places from Lord of the Rings. But seriously to be fair, isn’t the whole games a huge ragging exercise where big countries like Australia, India, Canada and England invite tiny speck of islands which look more like cinnamon sprinkling on top of coffee. I mean isn’t it cruel to expect a country like Norfolk Island or Niue whose entire population might be less than the support staff of the Indian archery team to put a decent fight!!

However overconfident we are, we face intense competition from countries like Jamaica. Rather small as our spies figured out from a unused Atlas at the RAW office , Usain Bolt and Air Jamaica do share the only runway in that country in turns…It not just in athletics we face threat in our quest for medals…After all Pakistan has become virtually unbeatable in shooting events and Bindra dude can well kiss goodbye…Intensive training camps at Swat and Warzistan have left other competitors aimless and looking down the barrel. Our lone hope in this event apparently in quick gun murugan who might be able to thrown in a few surprises.

The inaugural showpiece ceremony as insiders say would be a bollywood affair with lot of daredevil stunts expected to be performed... Akshay Kumar would be swimming all the way from Caribbean’s wading his way through the shark infested Atlantic Ocean and Pazhassi raja might just drop in to showcase his sword skills… There is already a lot of debate happening over who else should take part in the ceremony. Reddy brothers have claimed the support of 64 IOA members and yet to figure out what they will do with the support. Close Reddy confidantes promises us a mine blowing show…With Kareena Kapoor romped in as a brand ambassador there are already fears expressed in media circles. 15 enormous weightlifters, the pride of our nation who were fed round the clock over the past few years with generous quantities of chickens, paneer, lassi and mutton soup by sports mantralaya inspite of the looming drought in the country have suddenly become frail .Doctors are still trying to ‘zero’ down the cause!!

Well any games doesn’t begin with its own share of controversy… A Mauritius swimmer was forced to swim all the way back home after he was chased by a welcome committee stationed at a western city in India...Apparently his desire to have Bombay duck was not taken too lightly!! The swimmer becomes the first person ever to swim across the India ocean and has wholeheartedly thanked the “Reconstruction Army” for make him realize his true potential…In a unfortunate turn of events the hockey sticks kit sanctioned for the Indian team was stolen from Thyagaraja stadium when visiting grey haired games officials mistook it for walking sticks. The authorities are trying to retrace it back.

To look at the positive side, the games village canteen is expected to satisfy all athletes from various countries. The chief chef promised that the menu was tailor made for each discipline. The games committee was not surprised to see a famous archer munching over arrowroot biscuits apparently trying to figure out the root cause of his loss of form. However coaching manuals leave a lot to be desired after one tennis player arrived at the hockey stadium coz his coach repeatedly told him ‘dhyan se kelo…dhyan se kelo’. He had to go back disappointed without any aces smashed down the court.

The event also promises improved language skills as intensive spoken English courses have started showing results… A recent event pointed out gives us a ray of hope…

Phoren tourist showing the map: “hey maan…I cannot find the place…”
Trained rickshaw driver: “I find Connaught place for you….
Phoren tourist:”okay…thank you…you can find the place...good”
Phoren tourist:”OK…. Lets go Teenmurti”
Trained rickshaw driver:”No sir...I am Narayana Murthy...I take you to Connaught place”
Phoren tourist:” uh!! “

Meanwhile as we speak and the phoren tourist is roaming lost in Connaught place I know deep down in my heart that we were having fun with the British by holding a games long held ago in their honor… And what could be a better tribute in current times than making a movie called London Dreams and hopefully make the queen watch it in Wembley….


P.S. Sorry folks for this post..i know you guys will understand...after all just the other day I saw london dreams.......

Listening to cheap tricks..

18 comments:

scorpiogenius said...

lo, back to what you do best.. a sarcastic assessment of current events :)

Commonwealth Games are indeed an avenue for ragging, as you said, half of the countries are not recognizable even on a 1:1000 scale globe. Still its a chance to show our artificial glitz and I seriously hope the authorities in New Delhi wont put us to shame.

I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed on our performance. Yes, thank God for quick gun murugan, lol, that was classic! :)

Rindo said...

You're right. Only QUick Gun Murugun can save us! :D

Sreejith Kumar said...

Mathew, seriously, more items in one post. Hard to pick which one I liked more, the arrow-root, the conversation, dhyan chand, hockey stick, this, that, everything... Loved every bit of it. :)

Heera said...

Mathew i got a chance to visit the place where athletes going to say , and also got a chance to roam around places where games are going to happen.

Pathetic .......urumbinu ithilum speedundu ....lack of official is another issues all are so bizee with accompanying Mr. Gill... seriously god knows what we are going to project ......

There if u ask abut this preparation u will get one answer “please ask GILL saab” all are tightlipped abut everything....

I enjoyed your post especially foreign tourist and auto rick wala.

Vasant said...

Your blog piece was amusing. The last part was a bit unconvincing. The chances of finding a trained autodriver by name Narayan Murthy in Delhi would be bleaker than 1 in a million of chances of the Games being conducted without glitches.

The Traveller said...

Oh man!!!!! Why did you????? Don't you follow me on twitter!! I warned you about that movie!!!!! anyway, please take care!!! I am very worried about you! ;) :p

Happy Kitten said...

LOL!

that was too good..

nd the whole country will be surprised if the venue is ready...

Zahra said...

LOL...kidu.... :D

Unfortunately it also seems to be a fairly accurate assessment of affairs!!!

mathew said...

@scorpiogenius
hahah..yeah..but i guess this is one opportunity for smaller countries to put a fight!!:-)

I hope we are in the top two this time...

@Rindo
;-D

@Sreejith
thanks a lot.;-P

@Heera
Well..i guess as usual the official lethargy shows in such projects..and am glad that the PM has interevened...am putting my hopes in his ability to get some people moving!;-)

@Vasant
yeah..i know..;-)

@The Traveller
LOL!! we both are vicitim who need to visit a rehab after going through it!;-D

@Happy Kitten
thank you..:-)

@Zahra
am still optimistic though...and i badly wish we have a perfect games!!:-)

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

Loved the last conversation in the post. It does happen to people when they 1st come to Delhi, so Delhiwaale have this nice abbreviation for Connaught Place - CP, so that all confusion can be avoided.

Really nice observations, I liked the fact that someone IS observing what our Pratibhaji IS doing and what she is NOT doing :)

Usha said...

you sat through 'London Dreams'! hearty condolences..

anishthomas said...

LMAOF, good one :D ...I'm adding one more point to the post...Master of ceremony for the entire event will be Lola kutty

@ londom dreams....ROFL .....can't believe a big set of foreigners are listening 2 ajay devgan's bla-bla-blee in wembly...may god save the director ....can understand your feelings lol

P.S i have experienced that auto driver -tourist conversation many times with, auto-rickshaw drivers and traffic police in Chennai :)

Leslie said...

LOL ... Loved it

Heera said...

arey ... for got to mention u watched london dreams :)) my god maanna padega boss... you got enough patiance....

Annie said...

Good sarcasm.

mathew said...

@Abhi
I have never been to Delhi...so its quite interesting to know that such guffaws do happen there!

Prathibhajee is doing what our presidents used to do before APJ...

@Usha
i know..i know..deserve all the sympathy!;-P

@Anish
Lolakutty...eh..am not a big fan of her..though it has been ages since i have seen any of her sketches..

London dreams got a very realistic story..isnt..;-P

@Leslie
thank you..:)

@Heera
and I paid 15 euros to watch that crap!:(

@Annie
thanks a lot..;)

N said...

What else is Pratibhaji supposed to do? Except make sweaters in the parliament???

And of yes, I was speaking to one of the contractors who have been honored with getting the contract for making the roads whish lead to the stadiums...and this is what he had to comment..."Kya fayda roads abhi babaneka? Jab games start hone wale honge, tab dekhenge"!!

Jackfruit said...

haha ... nice one ... I fear things could be worse in reality.. I liked the rhymes.. :D:D